Is it wrong for me to be upset because my hubbys got a new female friend at work?He spent most lunch & tea?

Question

breaks with her,to start with he didnt hide it from me,I told him I felt uncomfortable with the situation.Worried this women might get the wrong idea,as she is single& my hubby is a charming man.After that he stopped telling me anything,I got more suspecious & checked his phone.Found some txts off her,saying how she treasured their friendship & never wanted 2 let go of him.I mentioned this 2 him & he was angry at me 4 checking up on him.Soon after he got a new job,I thought that would be the end of it.Until I asked him if she'd bin intouch lately,he eventually admitted she had & he'd replied 2 her.Then admitted he'd started 2 think maybe she did fancy him when she txted asking if 'you & your wife r getting on ok?' I got upset,as he'd insisted before,they only talked about work stuff,not personal issues.Then he admitted he had spoke to her about me making him deppressed because I was jealous about their friendship.I feel betrayed & he's angry with me.Wot do u think,am I 2 blame or him

We have had problems previously,seperated 4 a while,I got a boyfriend & it really hurt my hubby(though I never lied 2 him or deceived him).I soon realized I loved & missed my hubby & he begged me 2 come back 2 him.I did come back but he wouldnt comit himself 2 me 4 a while.During that time he had 3 short relationships behind me back,he lied & deceived me each time(we were sleeping together).I only found out because I could feel it everytime he became interested in somebody else & then I'd check up on him.After he ended the 3rd affair,he said he was ready 2 comit 2 me again,said he'd wanted 2 find a new love,but nobody would ever match up with me/our love etc. For the last 2 years alls bin fine untill this, so wot do u people say now.He has stopped talking to this women but he resents me so much.All I see in his eyes is hatred & he blames everything on me,I love him & dont want 2 control him,but I feel like he's bin playing with fire,with no regard 4 me(& our daughter)

Answer 1

First of all, it is not wrong for you to be upset. Afterall, he is your husband and you should be concerned of his safety.
Secondly, I think your husband is attracted to this lady and is in danger of being involved in a full-blown affair. This is because, he hides her messages and gets angry when you confront him. What most people dont know is that when they confide deeply with someonelse other than your spouse, you commit a sort of emotional affair (since your partner is not involved).
Thirdly, i think you guys need counselling. A lot of issues have gone under the bridge and he may be going through a midlife crises and is acutally happy some other woman is attracted to him.
Fight for your marriage, Plan a retreat with your husband. Go somewhere where both of you would be alone for a weekend at least and leave your phones behind (If you have kids, make sure they are well taking care of). Make him see how much you love him and are scared to lose him. Reincarnate your honeymoon or whatever fantasy and make him feel like a king. On your return, ignore this other woman (In my opinion, she is taking undue advantage). Promise not to check his phone for text messages, and keep the promise (for your own peace of mind). Realise that it is his decision to be with you and focus your energy on being the best you can be. Love yourself and work on yourself. Your happiness depends on you and no one else.
Goodluck.

Answer 2

GROW UP.
You grabbed a boyfriend during a short separation and you are now on his @ss about having a woman to TALK to.

Lady you need to back the hell off and understand that you are way out of line. You have gotten exactly what you made here.
You started this behavior and he is just doing it too.
That you think for a minute that your being open about having a boyfriend was somehow honest is also whacked. That was nothing but the in your face "I've got a boyfriend and you can screw off".
I'm not saying what he is doing is right but I understand.

He will never be open about seeing or talking to other women because you will not be adult about it.
You brought this on yourself.

You had better accept that there will be other women that he will talk to . You made it painfully obvious that you did not like it while he was open about it. Guess what now he is not open about it. The more you check up and give him crap the more secret he will be.
Wake up and see what you have done to make this happen.
Then you have half a chance to make it right.

You started down this road when you separated and got your own boyfriend, WHILE YOU WERE MARRIED. Two wrongs do not make a right but payback is a b1tch. You have been sending him the maessage that it was okay for you to cheat because you were "honest" about it, BUT NOT FOR HIM. You are lucky he is not done with you yet. It is so selfish for you to make an issue of his behavior now.
Do you really have to be told why he is angry with you?
The hypocracy is astounding.
Maybe THAT is what you are seeing in his eyes.

Please tell me I'm wrong here but I'd bet that you were responsible for the seperation in the first place. Then you go grab some guy. He was hurt, jilted and dismayed. Sure you came back AFTER making him beg.
He will not be happy with you for a long time. The clock will not even start until you say I'm sorry.

Answer 3

Hi, It is hard to have friends of the opposite sex when you are married. For us women we like security in a relationship. I feel your husband has told her about the past and he hasn't forgiven you as yet. The new office female might be lonely and seeking a relationship since she is texting words like that it is not half obvious. After dinner one night sit down with him and express your feelings, the wrong that you did admit and say you regret it ever so much in your heart. Suggest a weekend away walk along the beach express your love for him. Dont yell or scream.Men hate it just like us. If it doesn't work that time, note his moves. Leave a note on the table one night stay with your mum and tell him in the note you want to give him some space to think, put some feelings and love how much you love him in that letter as well. The next night tell you want to plan a talk about the conversation. I tell you single mother is not much fun, not many men want single mums, some if they do, might abuse your child or ignore them. Also it interferes with a childs development. It is recorded that single parents have the highest level of drug addicted kids because what was missing in their childhood. Mothers role is highly recognized but fathers roles are crucial and unfortunately they don't get much recognition via the media or whatever. Believe I have been there and done that ad been to heaps of counsilling about that topic. cheers Jasmine.

Answer 4

Listen to "delaneyk93" because she like I became "friends" with a married man and then, well all of you know the rest of the story. It is just amazing how we play games with other people's lives such as your child's. He is getting back at you and you showed him that you were pretty desirable by getting your own boyfriend.
He is or is comtemplating an affair with this woman. Plan on it it is happening. You both really need to stop playing games with eachother and hurting your daughter. You both need help whether it is together or apart but you both need to decide why you got married in the first place. You both need to grow up and become mature parents before your daughter learns that what you 2 are doing is acceptable and she ends up doing the same destructive ways in her own life.

Answer 5

You have a partner you cannot trust, no, you are not wrong in feeling the way you do, i wouldn't trust him, if your relationship was stronger he wouldn't do what he has done, its his problem as long as you have not done anything wrong, he wants to play the field and wants to get away with it, if this friend of your husband cared about him, and she knows it is causing you both problems then she should back off, but in your husbands friends mind, i bet she is enjoying this, remember this if it isn't her he will move on to someone else, i don't know what it is with men, they must feel macho, if they have a close friend with the opposite sex. If your husband loves you then, he should understand your problem, and understand what you are going through. I guess he still wants to have fun, what would he do if you did the same, i don't think he would take it too likely. He is a fool, don't blame yourself, you have every right, i guess your husband has forgotten when he begged you to come back to him. Men! Good Luck

Answer 6

A marriage is based on trust and unfortunately seems you have both lost this in each other. Both of you seem to 'want your cake and eat it'. Suddenly all has gone haywire because you keep 'moving the goal posts' to suit your standards at the time. You are both to blame for the situation you find yourselves in. Both of you are at fault. Really the woman he has recently been spending time with isn't the issue but just one of many issues. Time has come to get down to the nitty gritty getting depressed or jealous isn't coming up with answers. Think it's time for expert advice with something like Relate where someone is there to control heated situations, let each of you talk and see if at the end of the day you both actually want to be together and can remain faithfully. Truthfully I have my doubts as you are both in so deep but I sincerely wish you the very best.

Answer 7

That's a tough one.

on one hand he could be completely innocent - and is hence, justified in being angry. I've known a lot of women to be insecure about this sort of thing, but in my experience the woman is more likely to cheat than the man

on the other hand - maybe he has something to hide? maybe you're being paranoid with good reason (I doubt it though)

I'm more inclined to say he's innocent, because the way you describe his reactions, sounds very similar to the way i react when my girlfriend gets paranoid - I have a lot of female friends, she believes I've slept with all of them, when the truth is I've slept with none of the girls she's met, I keep telling her, but she doesn't believe me (the few female friends I have slept with - we haven't remained friends much longer - so i just don't do it) so if i go for a drink with "michelle" (name changed obviously) a girl I've been lucky enough to have as a good friend since I was about 5, I'm automatically screwing her according to my mrs... the truth is "michelle" is more like a big sister to me

Also, I have cheated in the past (different relationship to the one i'm in now), and when confronted the automatic response is to lie through your teeth:
"i had lunch with gladys today" just wouldn't come into it, it'd be more like "didn't get lunch today - too busy, big contract blah blah... yadder yak etc..."

The key word here is "jealousy." You're jealous that he has a new friend who's female, if she was a bloke you wouldn't give a damn, but because she's of the opposite sex, you're feeling threatened (I know - been there, done that) I don't mean to offend, but the chances are you're just being a little neurotic (this affects women a lot more than men - again I know - been there etc....)

Answer 8

Wow what a mess. And the short answer to your question is that you are both to blame here. It sounds to me like there is little to no trust at all in this relationship and because you've both had affairs in the past, it’s not hard to see why. You were wrong to have the affair in the first place and he was wrong to have 3 affairs after you decided to give things another go. You are both to blame for the lack of trust. However, things have been going well for you for the last couple of years and you obviously managed to put your past problems behind you. However, when he started up a friendship with a woman at work, you became suspicious again and I can understand why because he's cheated on you in the past. However, men do have female friends at work. My boyfriend has loads and he talks to them about all kinds of things. But I trust him. I don't feel the need to check up on him and I think it’s wrong to go behind his back like this. The way I see it is you've both got to stop playing the blame game. Does it really matter who’s to blame for what? For your relationships sake and more importantly your poor child's sake, you've got to decide how to move on and move forward. To me it sounds like you have a strong bond deep down and love each other so I think you can get though things together. You just need to learn how to trust each other again. Have you thought about going to see a counselor? If you don't think the relationship has a future, then you need to think about ending things for good. You can't live without trust. Good luck.

Answer 9

it is a tricky situation you are in as the more fuss you make the more likely he is to be attracted to the other woman (who isn't giving him a hard time).

It is difficult to give you good advice as i don't know him or her. What i do know is that you getting on his case isn't doing you any favours at all regarding your relationship.

You seem to have trust issues. If you trust him, what is the problem? Maybe it is you that you don't trust.

In my experience people who get jealous and freaked out about their partners having friends of the opposite sex are freaked out as they know they would behave badly if the roles were reversed and the immediately assume that their partners must be up to no good as well.

I don't know if this is true or not in your instance.

Basically you are telling your guy you don't trust him. How would you feel if he said that to you?

If you have reason not to trust him (such as he has cheated on you before) then he should stop seeing her out of respect for you.

If not, then you need to accept that sometimes guys and gals can be super good mates, maybe even flirt a bit, but it is harmless.

good luck. It is not a nice situation you are in. handle with care.

Answer 10

Oh yeah, your guy is, or will soon be, cheating on you again. You have every right to check up on him because he's lying to you. Of course he's upset. And, she obviously is interested in him or she wouldn't want to know if the two of you are getting along. YOU are not to blame. He is. You have access to her phone number. Call her and tell her to back off!!! Let him be upset. He doesn't deserve any thing less. He's depressed? Sure he is. The little boy isn't getting what he wants. Take a stand, girlfriend. Don't let him walk all over you. He obviously isn't committed to you or your daughter. You don't need him!!!