What do I do? I'm so upset...can you help?

Question

I just had a big fight with my husband. We've not really had many real fights before, and this one was a doozy.
He threatened to divorce me tonight, which hit me like a ton of bricks! I've never been so hurt before. His reason though, is because I don't contribute enough money to the household.
I quit my job when we got married (threee years ago) to move to where he was living. I got another job there and was establishing a clientele, when we moved again. I got yet another job, established my clientele and was working toward making some actual money. (I was working as a hairdresser, and it takes time before you're operating "in the green" so to speak. At least 2 years before real money starts to come in.) Then, his mother convinced me to give up the hairdressing and go into real estate with her. I haven't really been making any money with that either, and it takes a LOT of time. In the meantime, he's been having to pick up all the slack. He really made me feel bad about it.

Needless to say, he made some comments that hit below the belt. He even made fun of my weight gain! He said, I'm not contributing any money, taking care of the house well enough, and not taking care of how my body looks! sniff...
Granted, he has had to pay all the household bills since we got married, but he will not acknowlege that I have had to sacrafice my own career. Not once, not twice, but three times! And, both of my said careers are ones that take lots of time and energy investment before money comes in. Ironically, he's chosen this time to pick the fight, when I have a deal scheduled to close escrow early next month. That deal will bring in almost as much as 1 year's salary.
I don't know what to do! Should I pretend nothing has happened? I can't reason with him! He's just too worked up for that!
Can you offer any advice?

Answer 1

Was he the one who suggested you move all of those times? If he is, then he absolutely cannot blame you for not contributing enough. It sounds like you're trying your hardest and he needs to understand that.
Just be careful that you're not blowing 'his' hard-earned money on things for yourself. That could cause resentment on his behalf. It sounds like you both need to sit down and have a good, honest, no-blaming discussion about your financial situation.
For a few months a little while ago, my partner was unemployed, and I was a student, working casually. We lived on the very small amount of money i brought in simply through compromise, our savings and a well-planned budget. We made sure that we used our money wisely and didn't blow it on items that we couldn't justify as necessary. The most important part of our success was that we talked about everything. Communication really is the key.
You need to say to him everything that you've just told us.

Answer 2

I completely agree with Peta. You've done ALOT for this relationship already and obviously your jerk husband can't see that. You've moved to be with him, moving your career. You've moved AGAIN to be with him, moving your career. And now you're working with his mother which will be more profitable in the future than hairdressing and he's STILL not happy????

About the only thing I can see making any difference in his mind right now is maybe having his mother explain to him (since she's been in the business for a while and knows how it works) why you're not raking in the dough just yet. If that doesn't make any difference to him, then he's just being a jerk.

And what would happen when you choose to have kids? Sure, women can work while they're pregnant, but they need time off after the birth. What if you wanted to be a stay at home mother, which is a very noble thing and a job in itself. And what if you had no choices in these matters? What if you have a difficult pregnancy and your doctor tells you not to work? Would he harrass you while you're pregnant? What if the baby is born and needs special care and you going back to work isn't even an option?

All these things are things you REALLY need to think about honey, and speak to your husband about them. Actually, details like this should've been discussed before marriage was even entered into, but it's too late for that now. Now all you can do is talk this stuff out and find out where he stands.

Believe me, I know what I speak of. My ex husband (and I stress the EX) was a jerk. We had a lot of money problems and he blamed them all on me. The short story....
I worked and went to college while I was pregnant with our first. I worked and went to college while I was pregnant with our second and basically cared for our first by myself. I graduated after our second son was born, got a job, then our newest baby, at only 8 months old, ended up in the hospital, the first of 5 hospital stays within the first 2 years of his life. By the time our daughter was born, I had one in half day kindergarten and had to be picked up because there was no bus, a toddler in and out of the hospital/always sick, and an infant. Needless to say, I was so stretched thin that I refused to work. How could I? Where would I fit it in? Yet, all the facts aside in his mind, "The Jerk" as I call him, rode me every day about getting a job.

Whew! Sorry, that was more winded than I intended. But, hopefully you get the picture, because your husband sounds just like my ex. Neither of them can see the forest for the trees. They don't see the facts before them, they don't see what's done for them, and they don't care. Their bottom line is money and they want it from YOU, NOW.

I hope my story has helped a little hon. Talk to him, find out where his head is, and if you don't like what you hear, run, don't walk, to the nearest lawyer. I did and it was the best thing I ever did in my life. I'm now married to a wonderful man who SHARES life with me.

If you want to [e-mail]

Answer 3

What i feel needs to happened is either you get away from him for a long while; or both of you two sit down and discuss the truth of the matter.
The truth of the matter at this stage of life could be anything.
Write down you situation as you explaned it here on this question that you just posted.

Make a plan of how you plan on making money: the ifs, buts, hows; and why you need the time to be able to materialize and build the capital. If you read and follow the following outline i feel that would give you a very discriptive idea on what you may do. If you wish to contact me on this issule i'd gladly share more of my thoughts with you; good luck and i hope this gives you some insight on helping you in your hour of need.

Personal financial planning is broadly defined as a process of determining an individual's financial goals, purposes in life and life's priorities, and after considering his and her resources, risk profile and current lifestyle, to detail a balanced and realistic plan to meet those goals. The individual's goals are used as guideposts to map a course of action on 'what need to be done' to reach those goals.

Along side the data gathering exercise, the purpose of each goal is determined to ensure that the goal is meaningful in the context of the individual's situation. Through a process of careful analysis, these goals are subjected to a reality check by considering the individual's current and future resources available to achieve them. In the process, the constraints and obstacles to these goals are noted. The information will be used later to determine if there are sufficient resources available to get to these goals, and what other things need to be considered in the process. If the resources are insufficient or absent to meet any of the goals, the particular goal will be adjusted to a more realistic level or will be replaced with a new goal.

Planning often requires consideration of self-constraints in postponing some enjoyment today for the sake of the future. To be effective, the plan should consider the individual's current lifestyle so that the 'pain' in postponing current pleasures is bearable over the term of the plan. In times where current sacrifices are involved, the plan should help ensure that the pursuit of the goal will continue. A plan should consider the importance of each goal and should prioritize each goal. Many financial plans fail because these practical points were not sufficiently considered.

Answer 4

He is going to move you around making things hard on you and then whine like he's two? That is not how he should be approaching you with his worries. It sounds like he has had a part in why you are having difficulties in your work situation. He needs to chill!!
People say mean things when they are fighting, things they don't mean. You cannot take it to heart that he wants a divorce. Honestly, a little weight gain is far more attractive than a cheap crappy shot about your weight. He should count his blessings he is not married to me. I really have no time for a man to hurt me just to cover his little inadequacies.
He should apologize for being so hurtful and if you were hurtful towards him you should apologize also.
Try and be mindful of moods he might be in that would signal that he is worried about something like money. Open up communication. Let him know how much you love him.

Answer 5

He is being totally selfish and blind to what you've done. You gave up a good job for him then you gave up another job to support his mother. You have been making all the effort required and more and he is annoyed because you're not rolling in dough? What does he expect will happen when you have children? If he doesn't earn enough money to provide for his family that's not your fault, sexist though it may seem, he must be prepared to support his family, unless he can miraculously have children himself.

I am not suggesting you do this, but I personally would accept the divorce. He is not accepting your marriage as a partnership, he is making unreasonable demands and not giving you any credit for all the work you've done (working with his mum!!! I could never do it). If he is already treating you like a money making machine rather than the one he loves then you are better off finding someone else.

Answer 6

I'm really sorry to read that...
I cannot understand the reason he said that you do not contribute enough to the household, provided he knows the nature of your work and why you had to move. I gather that he also approved your working with his mother, didn't he?
So what's the big fuss? Do you have many personal expenses?
What are his comments on the reasons you mention for not making enough money?
I would really like to know...
I find this quarrel a bit fake... Has he met someone else?
.

Answer 7

How dare he....u have been trieng its not like u havent. Tell him how dare he patronise u and how dare he not support ur careers and now with whats coming up next month. Im disgusted what a way to kick someone while they are down. U are married and its for better or worst tell him if he doesnt start showing u some respect and support u will divorce him because ur sick and tired of being patronised for ur weight and misfortunes in ur careers and this is not acceptable u will not stand by and listen to him harp on any more because it wont be him walkin it will be YOU!

Answer 8

Do you have a marriage or a business contract? If he is wanting to divorce you because of you not "bringing in enough money" than I think you have more serious problems then you think. That's sad on his part!!

You need some marriage counseling--the both of you. Marriage is not a business transaction and that is what it sounds like at the moment.

I hope things work out.

Answer 9

Work realated you should do what ur heart desires. Dont make a desion according to what people want.

It is not our falut that you didnt get enough money. Maybe things would work out later.

Is your husband going through a rough patch. Maybe be didnt mean all that he said? You say his been talking all the punches...maybe thats why he broke out.

Give a bit of time. Show him that you ARE doing all you can. In your life make it a life that is shared only amongst you and your husband. dont let others make decisions.

Im not saying cut people off. But dont give way to others. Talk to your husband. Talk it out. It will be ok.

I will pray for you. That may or may not mean much to you but i will help you.

Answer 10

Money is often a problem in a marriage. He has been the main provider for three years and is tired of it. Try looking for a job that has a steady income instead of relying on tips or commission. Hopefully that will work for you.