how to save or move on in a marriage?

Question

I have been married for 40 years and now I am aaat the end of my rope.
For the past 15 yrs my wife and I haven;t had any type of love making.
She won't let me see her nude, refuses to have any type of love making, don't want to do anything togeather unless it has to do witth our grown childre and then she can't do enough.
She has said she has put on 20 lbs since we were married and I said it dosent matter as I have also.
Suggested councling but she wont go as she said she does not have a problem, I do.
Divorce at this time would be hard as we have a lot of things over the years and at this time of my life it is kind of late to start over.
Just don't know what to do the only thing I know is that I cannot go on much longer this way.
Have thought about a affair and that just seems that it would not work. Don't want a "Happy Hooker" as there to many s.t.d.'s going around and the chance of getting 1 are to great.
She refuses to talk and said we don't have a problem.
Thanks.

I have gone for so long with hopes that she would change. Didn't want to make her do something she does not want to do.
Tried making her feel like she is special, little things, and big things. Tell her every day that I love her, she says that sex at our age is over so I asked her what about the past 15 yrs. No answer.
It is just not about sex, I miss the closs feelings, the kisses, the touch. Bought her a new watch for Valentines day and she told me to take it back. She did not even get me a card.
I am ready to give up and just say screw it and move on.
Maybe 64 is not to old to start over.

Answer 1

i am so sorry that you are going through this. it is very common for women to loose their sex drive ,especially later in life. and along with that,the need for closeness and affection.many times women stop other types of affection because they believe that the man will become excited and want to move on to sex,so they cut off all forms of physical touch,and eventually loose the need for it altogether. while there are suppliments and drugs that would help her, if she refuses them, there is nothing you can do. so- what are your choices? 1-you can divorce her,but you would have to decide that your 'stuff' is less important than the prospect of finding a receptive mate. std's are a danger,however,they are not a risk that cannot be addressed with a new mate. 2-you can have an affair. not an option. period. 3- you can stay and hope that you can change her mind. sorry- but highly unlikely. she says she has no problem because she doesnt have a problem-you do. now- one thing you failed to address is- how much do you love her? i really cant advise you on what you should do. all i can tell you is that if you want and need physical affection, you will probably need to seek out another mate , never mind your age. you must weigh all things ,and decide which you desire most of all, and how much you are willing to give up in order to get it.if you have religious beliefs, always pray for guidance. you will get an answer. best wishes

Answer 2

I commend u for not cheating although i know u must have wanted to a hundred times.
I am a bit confused about two things......
You have been going through this for 15 years. Why all of a sudden the change of wanting an active sex life again? What have u done for 15 years and why isnt it enough now?

Ok, with that said.....
Whether she wants to admit it or not, there is a problem. I know as u get older, your sex drive gets less, but as u are still very much active, she needs to consider your feelings. A marriage can withstand alot, but two people have to be willing to listen to one another in order for it to withstand it. She isnt doing that.

If your sex life was good when the two of u were active,,,,perhaps she has just forgotten what fun it is. I would suggest a little romance and bring back that young sexy feeling in her again. Some women need a little nudge to get into the mood. In her case, maybe she needs a big push. Either way, u gotta find her glitch.
U knew the buttons to push at one time. She needs to be reminded she is still very much a woman and can enjoy intimacy, even with the extra 20 pounds.
Sex isnt just the physical action......it is very much a mental thing for us ladies. We dont get in the mood by seeing a naked man or penis. Thats not what makes us tick. We need physical and mental stimulation to get our blood boilin. If u have forgotten how u used to get her into the mood, perhaps start recapping from many years back. Think about it, and rekindle whatever it is u used to do that got her hot. She has it in her, u can believe that.
Good luck to u.

Answer 3

Well I do think that intimacy has a certain amount of importance in a marriage. It's a way that you two can connect and share feelings of love and intimacy and she's depriving you of that. You need to let her know that you have needs and that lovemaking is important to the marriage. Maybe you can try offering her a massage or doing something romantic that would potentially lead to having sex. It sounds like she has very poor self-esteem and lost her sex drive on the way.

I think you are a good man for not cheating on her. I know it must be hard. My husband and I used to have problems after I had our children. I suffered massive postpartum and I didn't have any sex drive. I would basically give in just to shut him up. My sex life lacks any sort of pleasure really but I still love my husband.

Maybe you could go to counseling on your own and get suggestions from a therapist as to how to approach this. Over time after you've gone for awhile you might get her to change her mind about going as well.

I wish you the best of luck...

Answer 4

She is being VERY selfish! I can't believe you've let it go this far but nevertheless I would tell her that things must change or you will leave. Withholding lovemaking in a marriage without justifiable cause (medical reasons / biological changes / depression etc.) is just plain cruel and inhumane ... she needs the counselling. I wish you the best and admire you for making it this far. Good luck :-)

Answer 5

Maybe she doesn't feel confident with herself and doesn't know how to bring it up to you or maybe it hasn't occured to her. She might just not feel sexy. A woman doesn't want to "drop trou" just to do it. After this much time invested I would try to save my marriage. Talk to her, ask her if she still loves you. Tell her if you still love her. Open a dialog and be completely out there. Sometimes that's all you can do. Try to make her feel beautiful by bring romance back. Buy her a tasteful pajama set made from silk or something soft.There is a website, i want to say its pajamagram.com but they will mail them in a cute little packaging. Do something that she wouldn't expect to make her feel like she is still special to you.Women sometimes expect you to just know whats going on in their heads. You are just suppose to know! silly but often true. Good luck and I really hope you two can open up with each other!

Answer 6

You know you don't have to go to counseling with her to help with this problem

Go yourself and if you're willing to do some work you may be able to save your marriage and after 40 years it's certainly worth a try.

Good luck.

Answer 7

go to counsling and ask her to go also, tell her your marriage is on the rocks and you both should go see someone to talk about it, talk to your grown children and tell them what is happeneing seeing how its their mom maybe your daughters can get through to her and find out what the problem is..