Help. I was in love with a married man and now that he's told her he wants a divorce I'm not sure I want him.

Question

I was totally not trying to be mean or get involved in this type of squabble. His wife was just so tainted and evil and I wanted him to get away. Well my voice was finally heard and now that he's left I'm not afraid that he'll leave me but I'm feeling I can't trust him because of their relationship. He's totally changed from marriage. I knew him before marriage and after marriage. And now after marriage he's so confused. I seem like a free ballin freak!

To clear the air here. I did tell him to stay with his wife because I believe all relationships can be worked on but wanted him to realize without years of therapy what his white wife was insinuating about his life. As some of you may know in an interracial relationship it tends to be easier to hide things from one another. He was very confused with her and I'm happy that their not together. However, I know that he needs some intervention and time alone before persuing any woman myself or another. I would just like him to get back to his southern roots and form a long lasting relationship with someone of his own color. Thus comprimising me, but that's the love that I have. And PS this relationship was one that had developed prior to me moving to a small hick town. Through this experience I've found it better that colors don't mix. Who really cooks in a melting pot anyway?

Answer 1

I agree with that last sentence. So, now you've wrecked the home, it's time to move on?

Answer 2

Hi Kristy K,

What your going through is normal and what he is going through is normal. Now is the time that he needs you as a friend, and that he has to do some serious soul searching if he hasn't yet. My ex wife to be of 16 years left with my kids 8 months ago and at the time my life was upside down. It was not up until about 2-3 months ago that I realized how much of a favor she did me leaving me for a better job in a different state.

This answer is not about me, I am telling you this because I'm sharing with you that not all marrages are ment to be. Mine wasn't. I would have been divorced by now if I filed but because of a lot of things going on with my job I waited.

Becareful not to be his rebound girl. Before you even consider getting married live with him 1-2 years. People change and sometimes for the worst. Learn his ways before you get married, it's a lot easier to dilsolve a serious relationship than a marriage.

I am not a profession councler, and am just offering you my opinion based on my experiances with my own life. I am very understanding and a good listener. I have been told by serveral of my friends that I should become a therapist and will one day. If you ever feel like you want someone's opionion about something feel free to write me. (No strings attached)

Knowing what it's like to suffer, I don't like hearing others hurt and try to help when ever I can. My e-mail address is D_Heyman1

I hope you had a great Valentines Day. Go slow with your friend, right now he needs your support, and getting into a realationship with him will only confuse him more until he can clear his head and see things differently.

By the way, my exwife and I get along better now that we don't live together, and I don't fault her for being they type of person she is. It's just how her personality is. I my reply is of some help. Hang in there things will get better.

Sincerely,
Buster

Answer 3

It's funny you always want what you can't have and when you get it you really didn't want it all. If your not sure just leave well alone, don't get in a marriage that aren't sure you really want to be in, because being miserable in a marriage is the worst possible thing that could ever happen to anyone. You'll get to where you'll watch the way he chews, the way he drinks out of a bottle, the way he just does anything will start turning you off. Enjoy the single until you meet that someone that turns you wrong side out. Be sure you get a fantastic sex partner, wouldn't hurt to get one with a great big bank account and owns his own company or companies, just look for a older man and baby you ain't seen nothing yet until you have sex with a wealthy older man. Hot Dog it makes you shiver to think about it, they can love you so tenderly and sweet that almost have to ask them to stop where you can catch your breath.

Answer 4

I absolutely despise comments from closed minded people like "home wrecker". All you did was open his eyes to things that other people were aware of, but he wasnt. Just because someone is married doesnt mean they have a wonderful wife or husband....wives can be monsters as can men......being married doesnt change the facts.

As to your feelings towards this man, now that hes left his wife, as much as she was a horrible woman, he became accumstomed to that lifestyle, and he will be going through a lot of negative feelings...."did I do the right thing" and stuff like that. He has got baggage and it is going to take time for him to deal with it. He may be different now, but it is natural for him to go through a grieving process...he lost a lifestyle he was accumstomed to for so many years. He needs an adjustment period...and it could take up to 2 years for him to feel like the man he used to be. If you love him, you will understand him and support him through this time. If you dont love him, then dont lead him on, end it with him, and allow him to find his own way. He is a big boy....you didnt lure him away from his marriage, you were upfront and honest and you made him aware of what his wife was...thats not a sin. A person should not stay in a marriage if he/she is miserable, and no person, man or woman, can make another leave a happy marriage. There were obvious problems within the marriage and probably he should have left the wife long before he did. If you are with him out of guilt and somehow you believe he left his wife for you and now you are deserting him, then get that out of your mind totally. He left his wife because he was unhappy, and you were the catalyst that made him find his balls and leave her. That doesnt mean you are responsible for his happiness....like I said, he is a grown man, and he will find his way....if he goes back to his wife, then it shows he really hasnt learnt a damned thing about what it means to be loved in the true sense of the word.....and if he is that weak, then he obviously isnt the man for you anyway. You just have to decide if it is his confusion and his grieving that is making you see him differently, or you really have fallen out of love with him. You need to make your mind up what your true feelings are for him and then act accordingly. You have to remember in all of this...he will not grieve forever, and once he becomes his old self again, maybe the attraction and love will return....are you prepared to wait until he becomes his old self again....well, not his old self....a better self, a more confident self....are you willing to wait for that? Only you can decide.

Answer 5

Race has nothing to do with it, all you can do is be his friend, you have said yourself that he needs to be away from relationships and I don't know what he did in the previous relationship and maybe she was a bad person but I would let him relax, be without someone for awhile and then when he is ready to get into a relationship again then take it slow. If you want to be with him then then go for it, but don't just jump because you think that he got the divorce for you, because likely that isn't the main reason. You are your own person and because of that you can chose who you want to share your life with.

Answer 6

Don't worry, I'm sure you can find another happy home to break up.

You should be ashamed. That was REALLY fast, by the way. 6 days ago, you were asking how to get over your fear of dating white men...since you had just moved into a new town. In 6 days, you had an affair with a married man AND broke up his marriage. Great.

Answer 7

You always want what you can't have. Now that he's free to be with you, the thrill is now gone, and you don't feel excited like you once did, correct? This is usually the case in situations like this. And the fact that he cheated on his wife with you makes you wonder if he'll do the same thing to you, even if you don't want to admit it. Just play it by ear and see where it goes. But on the bright side, at least he's away from her.

Answer 8

Sounds to me like you wanted him when he was unavailable but now that he's available you don't really want him. Really, you should be ashamed of yourself. You're not supposed to get involved with marriage. If he was in a bad relationship and decided to leave his wife, that's one thing. But for you to act like the cheerleader trying to get him to leave his wife is horrible. And then once he does you decide you don't want to be involved. You deserve whatever is coming to you - unless it's happiness.

At the very least, you owe it to this guy to be up front about your feelings (or lack of) right away. It's up to him to decide if he wants to try and save his marriage, but he should know right now whether you're going to be around.

Answer 9

Well you're a really nice person. Pressure your lover to get a divorce then once you have him you're no longer interested.
Tell him now, he's much better off without you!! Talk about his wife being tainted and evil, you make her seem like a saint..

Answer 10

You never should have gotten involved with a married man in the first place. Too late to cry over spilled milk now, I hope you learned from your experience. I think you need to break up with him. Tell him he needs to deal with his divorce...once it's final then you can choose if you want to be involved with him at that point. No need to be caught up in his drama.

Answer 11

Are you sure he has left his wife?? Sounds like you are the other woman in the relationship that I am in. My husband has been seeing another woman, I have filed for divorce, and well if you want him, take him. As for advice, I would say run as fast as you can away, if he has decieved one woman he could do the same to you...