Is there anything I can do about adult step children who are rude and do not accept me as their fathers wife?

Question

They think I was the one that took their father away from their mother. when in fact he found in her in bed with another man.
His x bragged to me about it and my husband told me the same.
The only reason they come around are birthdays, christmas or when the car breaks down. I'm really sick of it...plus they disrespect me and my husband. cursing and screaming...We have been married for 20 years and they are in their 30's with children of their own and that they want let us see them .

Answer 1

Hi. I agree with Sillykim. He needs to do something about this and stop making you out to be the bad guy. My mother in law can be a beast, but I would never treat her with outward disrespect. It is also showing those kids that there is a problem Kids need grandparents, if they are alive and fit. You may have some legal grounds, if they refuse to let you see them. It is called grandparents rights. Here is a bit of the info. SORRY IT IS SO LONG!!!

Arguments For Grandparents' Rights
Advocates of grandparents' rights take positions including the following:

Grandparents may provide a stabilizing role in their grandchildren's lives, particularly after a divorce or crisis (such as the death of a parent).

Where grandparents have been involved in a child's life, it can be traumatic to the child to suddenly be denied access.

The mere fact that parents are divorced, or the grandparents's child dies or is incarcerated, should not automatically serve to grant the custodial parent the right to sever a positive relationship between the grandparents and their grandchildren.

Arguments Against Grandparents' Rights
Opponents of grandparents' rights take positions including the following:

The the state has no business interfering with the child-rearing decisions of competent parents, even if the parent determines that grandparent visitation will not be permitted.

Some grandparents are excluded from their grandchildren's lives for good cause - for example, because they were abusive to their own children and cannot be trusted with the grandchildren. Some grandparents interfere with ordinary parental decision-making, or badmouth one or both parents to the grandchildren, creating unnecessary conflict.

Where conflict exists between parents and grandparents, even if the parents are being unreasonable, court interference can destabilize the home environment of the grandchildren.

The State of the Law
Following Troxel, many state courts have addressed the constitutionality of their grandparenting time statutes, and many state legislatures have revisited (or are in the process of revisiting) their statutes, either following or in anticipation of court decisions finding them to be wholly or partially unconstitutional. It remains possible that the Supreme Court will revisit this issue in the future, as this new generation of grandparenting time statutes faces constitutional challenge. Until that time, the circumstances under which court enforced grandparenting time can be obtained will continue to vary from state to state, depending upon each state's interpretation of Troxel, although perhaps to a lesser degree than prior to the Troxel decision.

It is likely that most statutes created or amended after Troxel will require first that there be some form of break in the parent-child relationship - perhaps a divorce, perhaps the placement of the grandchild in the custody of the grandparents, or perhaps the DEATH - and that the grandparents provide "clear and convincing evidence" that grandparent visitation is in the best interests of the grandchild. Some argue that Troxel demands that the grandparents demonstrate that the child will suffer harm in the absence of grandparental visitation, although it does not appear that a majority of states will require a showing of harm.[FN1]

Considerations for Grandparents
Grandparents who are actually caring for their grandchildren should take affirmative steps to protect their rights. This can often be done by obtaining legal guardianship over the grandchildren, or by actually obtaining an order of custody. Absent a formal legal grant of rights, grandparents may find it much more difficult to preserve their relationship with their grandchildren, or to protect their grandchildren from being restored to the custody of a parent who is not ready to assume responsibility for them. (For example, grandparents may care for grandchildren while a parent goes through rehabilitation for a drug addiction, and have legitimate concern that the parent has relapsed, but without a legal grant of custody or guardianship be without any power to prevent the parent from taking the grandchildren out of their care.)

It is usually best to try to resolve grandparenting time problems amicably, as opposed to through the courts. It may be that the parent who is refusing access will be amenable to having the dispute mediated by a qualified professional. It is usually best not to make threats, and to make litigation a last resort - to be used only when all else has failed.

Don't make negative comments to your grandchildren about their parents, or make them part of an emotional conflict between you and their parents. The children don't need the stress, and that is perhaps the fastest way to get their parents to decide that your grandchildren don't need you in their lives.

Don't use access to your grandchildren as an opportunity to interfere with the way in which your grandchildren are raised by their parents. The parents have the right to make ordinary parenting decisions, and are likely to resent your attempts to interfere with their parental authority. Please note that this does not mean that you should not intervene or seek the involvement of a child protective agency in the event of abuse or potential harm to a grandchild.

Your grandparenting time will ordinarily be governed by the laws of the state where your grandchildren reside.

BEST OF LUCK TO YOU, HONEY!

Answer 2

I have found that like dogs sense when they can take the advantage in a situation (they sense fear) the thing with humans is that even when all the shi* hits the fan having bounced off the walls and didn't miss anybody. I have always succesfully backed the problem you outline by punishing them with kindness and a few of their favorite liquor shots always has worked for me. Of course there are a few more than 950 people I have met who absolutely would take me out if offered the chance. But seriously punish them by being over board nice smile when it hurts be a carming angel and keep their glasses fulll and the snack platter full as well. they are either bad or they will se you as human but in any case you cannot burn your husbands bridges.....

Answer 3

Here's what I would do.

Tell these "adults" that you are adult and both deserve and demand respect. Leave out any reference to mother or step-mother...it won't fly with them. It isn't a discussion or a debate - its an announcement. You don't need to listen to their input only to communicate that you aren't taking it any longer.

Next time these kids show up and pull this crap...throw them out of your home. If they won't leave, have the police do it for you. If you are at their house, walk out without a word and go home. Hubby won't leave, call a cab and wait outside.

Obviously, cut off the help. If they are adult enough to have children they are adult enough to handle their own problems...like a broken down car. They need to borrow one while its in the shop...its called Enterprise, they're in the yellow pages...look em up. Stuck on the road? OK, go get 'em. Take them home and drive off. They can call a tow just as easy as you can.

Don't take this crap. These kids are taking some severe advantage of you and heaping on the abuse in process. That's no way to live so don't.

Answer 4

Let it go. You can't force them to like you. Why fight a losing battle?

It really doesn't matter what caused the divorce, and even if you could prove it to the children, it wouldn't change their mind.

Perhaps there is something deeper involved, maybe they don't genuinely like their father, it happens.

However, as far as respect goes...you can tell them that you expect them to act respectful to you at all times. You and hubby should be on the same page about this though. Let the kids know that being disrespectful will cause the relationship to end, no gifts, no car repairs, etc. And then stand by it.

Answer 5

I understand how they might feel. If I had a stepmom, trust me, I'd hate her too. Actually, I'd most likely despise the s hit out of her. And if I thought that some lady took my father away from my mother, I would be borderline homocidal towards her. But you say that's only what they think and not actually the truth, so I'll take your side on this to give you advice I suppose...

First of all, do they know the truth about it all? If not, I don't blame them one bit. I most likely wouldn't spend my entire life cursing and screaming at you, but I most definitely wouldn't let you see my children. But your stepchildren seem to be quite dumb in the fact that they actually spend their precious time cursing and screaming at you. I wouldn't bother with you that much. I'd only block you from ever entering my life which you disrupted by stealing my father away from my mother. But if they DO know the truth, and they refuse to believe that their mother was actually the adultress whore in the situation, then if I were you, I wouldn't spend my time trying to get them to like me. I'd let them be and not ever, ever let them walk all over me the way they do to you.

And you've been married to this man for 20 years. They should be over it by now. Or at least... not bother with it so much. And they're in their 30's? Wow. Good parenting they must have had. 30 year old adult men and women who curse and scream at their father and stepmom for marrying... 20... years... ago...

And since they haven't gotten passed acting like 12 year olds after all these years, I seriously wouldn't be bothered by it so much if I were you. If they actually won't let you two see their children, they've obviously got a lot of anger and one hell of a grudge against you. And trust me, getting upset by it is just feeding into their hatred. It's only doing what they want you to do. It's putting you in your place where they want you. And all it does is make them happy. Don't buy into it and maybe they'll grow up and realize how stupid they're being and how it no longer effects you which will hopefully push them to stop their immature acts of dumbassness.

Also, the fact that they treat you like insects and yet you still support them by helping them when their car breaks down, is in the least, awful. It's only telling them that what they do to you is ok until they need something from you. And believe me, I'm one of the biggest believers in supporting and loving your children no matter what. But in this case, they need to understand how much they're hurting you and not be indulged to do it by you constantly taking them in when they need help.

If you haven't tried this yet, you might as well. If what you're doing now by getting upset and fighting back or whatever isn't working, then what do you have to lose? At least it's something different so it may very well work. Good luck with it.

Oh, and one more thing, I'm a 16 year old girl and I act a hell of a lot more mature than your 30 year old stepchildren, which is, in the LEAST, pathetic. They need to understand this. I hope you'll enforce that on them as I wouldn't want THEIR children to grow up thinking it's ok because they're parents act like toddlers who haven't had their nap time yet.

Answer 6

If these 'children' cannot be respectful to you in your home, then they should not be welcomed into your home. As far as the screaming and yelling, there is no cause for this type of behavior from adults. Your husband is the responsible party in this because as adults, his children are entitled to know where the breakdown in the family occurred.

In addition, as your husband and 'protector' he should stand up to his children and tell them that if they can't respect you as his wife, they will not be welcomed into your home. If he wants to see them, he can see them on their turf. You are not obligated to join him since it is apparent that their feelings towards you are hostile. It's been 20 years, they need to grow up. But we all know that that doesn't always happen. But you can limit your exposure to them.

Answer 7

No and I'd stop trying to get them to accept me after 20 years and focus on demanding common courtesy from them as they are way too old not to be expected to act like adults you have nothing to loose if they already keep the grandchildren from you.

Answer 8

I wouldn't take that crap. They are grown and got children of their own and they come around you cursing and yelling?! I would do some cursing and yelling my damn self. They would get the h*ll out of my house with all that sh**t. If your husband hasn't got the backbone to handle these grown@ss adults then he could hit the road too. Tell them that if they can't repect you they won't be welcome in your house.

Answer 9

And what does your husband think? You have to be together in this, but I would not invite them over, and if they need something, give them some tough love....just say no, and tell them why. Your husband should be the one saying all of this to his over-grown brats. good luck dear.

Answer 10

here's what u can do. don't allow them in YOUR damn house! i'm sure there is more to the story, but what ever else is going on there is NO reason for u to accept being disrespected in your own home by grown people, regardless of who the hell they are.