Do I throw a 20 year marriage down the tubes?

Question

1 week before THanksgiving He got mad at our kid and said either he goes or I go. I told him to start packing his bag. He took his saddles, guns, and all his clothes. Then he came back,
Now he wont work on our issues and calls them my issues but he has issues too and then he name calls. He tells me all the time that he is on the verge of calling it quits. I asked him to leave but he wont.

adding details about the son. He is 17yrs old and was basically under house arrest for stupidity.

Answer 1

Time to ride off into the sunset. you can only help those who want to help themselfs.
and if he aint admiting to the issues at hand, well hun it aint gonna get no better. sorry to say :(

Answer 2

You left out some VERY important information - like what did your kid do for him to order him to get out? Drugs? Stealing? Talking back? Lazy? If you've been married for 20 years and now this teenager is causing major problems, it would be very foolish to toss the marriage away. the kid's problems can be overcome and every kid leaves eventually. Once this problem is addressed, you two can go back to being strong together. Your husband came back so HE onbviosuly wants to make things work but he is feeling frustrated. There is no such thing in a marriage as one person's issues - it always takes TWO to cause disagreements so both of you had better grow up. Don't ASK - just DO - DO call an uninvolved third person you BOTH respect and talk this out. Don't bad-talk him to your girlfriends or family because once this is over you'll regret it. If you can't afford counselling, call a neighbourhood community centre and see where you can get some family counselling FREE. Help is always there and you are far better to talk to an independent professional than to family or friends who always take sides and tell you things you want to hear. Your kid needs to be involved in this,too. He needs to see what trouble he is causing and the consequences. Good luck. Stick together and your kid will see that his nonsense cannot seeparate the two of you. Kids LOVE to play one parent against the other and when they see that "united we stand" is the way the game is being played, he'll smarten up.

Answer 3

Kids can put more stress on a relationship than anything with the possible exception of money. It becomes increasingly stressful when one of the kids has divided the parents.
I don’t know what your son has done to get on house arrest, but I am certain this is not the first problem your husband and you have had with him. I speak from experience. My 17yr old son is currently on house arrest for being a dumb *** himself. While this is his first brush with the law, it is not his first screw up. My son has had a lot of problems in school and is just not a very good judge of character. He would choose the one bad kid out of a room of 100 every time.

Maybe your son is much the same. Maybe he has had other issues. I am a single father raising my son. His mother hasn't been around for years.
I think I understand where your husband maybe coming from though. He is probably frustrated to death with your son’s consistently poor decisions. He probably feels like he has tried everything he knows to do and it is simply not getting through to your son. And if you are providing "shelter" for your son when his dad is trying to correct his ill-advised behavior, then I can see how he could come to the ultimatum he did. I don't agree with it, but I can understand it.

May I suggest the three of you try counseling to resolve this triangular friction? My son and I went through some counseling and it has help. I still get frustrated as hell with him sometimes, but I don't want to beat him to death anymore. The counseling has also helped to open my son’s eyes up a bit. It stuck a mirror in his face so he could see how damaging his decisions have become.

There may have been issues between your husband and you before the problems with your son, but you have to realize, your son has brought what ever is happening to him upon himself. He is not your baby boy anymore. He is grown now whether you guys like it or not.

If you love him then don't call it quits. That is the easy way out.

Answer 4

If he is ever physically or emotionally abusive to either you or "the kid", then yes, throw it down the tubes. If you have just grown apart and disagree over a whole host of things, I would strongly recommend counseling. He obviously still loves you, or he would have walked when he said he was going to. By the way, they aren't his issues, they aren't your issues. The issues belong to the couple. Nobody is perfect. Tell him that and then tell him if he wants to work on this, it is counseling and no more name calling. Name calling is detrimental to the relationship. He is obviously trying to hurt you with that. Usually this is response to feeling hurt, so you want them to hurt back. Have you thought about what your doing to hurt him?

If he refuses to get help for the relationship he needs to let you get on with your life. There is no sense in living together unhappily. You can even start counseling yourself, and then try to get him to come in later. Usually they will, just so the counselor gets to hear "their side of things"!

By the way, how old is the child? Perhaps it IS time for mamma to make the child stand on his own two feet and cut the apron strings? Maybe he can't stand seeing his child not learning to become an adult like he should? If this is an adult child, and the child is disrespecting his father in his own home, the child needs to go. If the child is a minor, there is no way you should be having to choose. The child comes first. It is your responsibility as a parent to take care of them until they are old enough to get out and get a life of their own.

Also, if this is a minor child, I highly suggest counseling for the ENTIRE family. The child is going to need it to deal with the rejection of his father!

Answer 5

If you really want him to leave, you can get a court order telling him to move out. Is that what you really want though? How about some marriage counseling? And,why are you two putting your kid in the middle,or has it always been this way when raising this kid? Kid pitting mom against dad to get what they want,and mom and dad allowing the manipulation to ruin a relationship. If he is on the verge of calling it quits......there is hope,but he wants to see change. Maybe the two of you need to sit in front of a mirror and really get down to what the real problem is. You can say alot more when looking at the mirror,even if sitting side by side. Try it,or divorce.

Answer 6

Your relationship with your spouse comes before your children. Children grow up, move out and move on. If you destroy your 20 year marriage on account of your 17 year old who doesn't sound like he is doing the right things, that would be a foolish decision. He could up and walk out any time he feels like it & you will be left all alone. Your husband may not feel very respected by you or may feel that you don't respect his authority in the home. Maybe that is why your 17 year old is acting out too. It is not right for your husband to call you names at all. You should respectfully explain to him how this is belittling and it does not make you feel good. Try to work things out - as hard as it is. I am in sure in 20 years you both have had other difficulties in your marriage that you have overcome. Hang in there & let him know that you value him & your relationship. You both should be applauded, in this day & age for sticking it out for 20 years. Too many people throw in the towel & quit. Marriage is not easy but it is worth fighting for, especially today.

Answer 7

wow! twenty years? has your husband always been like this toward you and the child? Reason I ask is cause if he hasn't been and this is something new out of him maybe he has got his mind on someone else....Now if your husband has put you into a position where he wants you to pick him or the kid well your mind should already be made up...The kid always comes first in life...If your husband wont work on the issues at hand then he has got the problem not you....If you really want him to go away and stay away call the police and get a restrait against him....If he wants to call it quits hey you tryed your best to get him to work on the issue at hand he is the one giving up....not you....

Answer 8

First of all you seem to not know of what is troubling him there are times in a man's life that he struggles with aging. Its hard to accept for a man that he isn't what he use to be and lashes out in strange ways.
Secondly a marriage is not supposed to be measured by the length of time you guys have been together but by the strength of your love and love and loyalty. I think that you should leave him when you get fit and everything and you should be his trophy show him that you are more than this leave his ***. Play the game with his head. If you love him then you would do this. His *** has no right to be going around your back with other women. You think that if you are looking good eh would stop if you accept this now? Hell no let him get the stepping!

Answer 9

First of all...our children are the most important thing we have in this life. There are plenty of men out there that will accept someone else children, raise and love them like they were their own. The fact that he has problems with the child tells me he is not a good father. Whether it is your kid...together, or from a previous marrage...there is no excuse. Name calling, is just plain stupid. It does not solve anything. If he keeps telling you he wants to call it quits...ask him if he is serious. Serious people just dont threat...they do it! If you really want him to leave and keep asking him and he does not...then you need to be more determined. Tell him..."You keep saying you are on the verge of calling it quits...and I agree with you...so why are you still here"? I need to get on with my life and so do you.

Answer 10

can i ask why he got mad ur kid?is it his kid as well or just urs.wateva it may b he has no right to throw a kid out and if ur love is real n i think it wud b if u hav been 2gether for 20 years den i think it shud b worth givin it a go.matbe he needs time to cool down,maybe like a time out or smethin.but love has to be both wys. if he loves u as much as u love him den u'l work it out.but try n get to the core of why he wants he kid out.

Answer 11

Ask yourself some questions: Can you live without him? (if the answer is yes, you don't need to go on.) Have you been mostly happy or sad with him? (if you've been mostly sad, then don't go on.) Would you be happier if you were alone? (if the answer is yes, then don't go on.) I don't know how you feel and how your husband makes you feel, but don't stay in an unhealthy relationship. Don't be afraid of being alone.