Funny jokes?...?

Question

I'm in a very bad mood my boyfriend just dumped me plz cheer me up with a funny joke. =D

Answer 1

One is a song, and another is a Michael Jackson joke.

Number 1:

(Sung to the tune of 'I Believe I Can Fly')

♫ I believe I can die, ♫
♫ I got ran over by the Ice Cream guy, ♫
♫ All I wanted was a popsicle, ♫
♫ Instead I ended up in a hospital . . . ♫

Number 2:

Q: What does a television and Michael Jackson have in common?

A: They both can get turned on by three year olds.

That's all I got.

Answer 2

A bear walks into a bar and the bartender asks,
"What'll you have?"
The bear stares at him for a few seconds of awkward silence before he finally answers,
"Gimme a coke."
The bartender replies, "Hey pal why the big paw's?"

Answer 3

what do you say to a man at a bus stop with no legs ?

How are you getting on mate ....
(srry sounds funny in a cockney accent )
also what do you say to a bloke with no arms and no legs?
have you got the time onya co.ck

Answer 4

three men sitting on a crane 300feet up.
English man opens his lunch and says " if I get ham in my sarnies tomorrow I'll jump."
Scottish man says If i get cheese in my sarnies tomorrow I'll jump."
Irish man says "If I get jam on my sarnies tomorrow I'll jump."

So the next day all the men jump to their deaths.
The wives hold a funeral for them together.
The English widow wails and says " If he told me he didn't want ham I would have made something else."
The Scottish widow wails and says " If he said he was sick of cheese I would have made him something else."
The Irish widow wails and says 'I just can't understand paddy he made his own bloody lunch........"

Answer 5

Heaven was filling up, so God decided to only let people in who had really horrible deaths.

The first guy came in and God asked him how he died.

The man began his story.

"Well, I found out my wife was having an affair, so I tried to kill the guy. I found him outside a window of a five story building hanging on to the ledge by his hands. I hit his hands with a hammer and he fell off of the building. When he hit the ground he still didn't die, so I threw a refrigerator on him and he died. And after all of that, I died of a heart attack.

"Okay" God said, "I guess your death was bad enough" so he let him through the gate.

The next guy came in and God asked him how he died.

The guy began his story.

"Well I was working out in the hallway when I slipped and fell down the stairs and fell out the window. I managed to grab the window ledge but some guy hit my hands with a hammer so I fell off the building. I landed in a bush so I was okay, but then the guy threw a fridge on me!

"Okay" God said, "I guess your death was bad enough" and he let him through the gate.

Then a third guy came in and God asked him how he died.

The guy began his story.

"You aren't going to believe this" he said, "but i was hiding in a refridgerator...




The LAPD, The FBI, and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals. The President decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it.

The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that rabbits do not exist.

The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit, and they make no apologies. The rabbit had it coming.

The LAPD goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear. The bear is yelling: "Okay! Okay! I'm a rabbit! I'm a rabbit!




Wilma and her husband Barney go to church every Sunday, and during the service Barney falls asleep.

One afternoon Wilma goes to the priest and asks what she can do. The priest hands her a needle and tells her to prick him with it everytime he falls asleep.

The next week at church Barney falls asleep while the priest is talking and when the priest asks who is our savior? Wilma pokes him with the needle and he yells out JESUS!!

Soon after that he goes back to sleep. The next question the priest asks is: Who is Jesus's Father? Wilma pokes him with the needle and Barney yells out GOD!!and goes back to sleep.

The last question the priest asks is what did Eve say to Adam after he impregnated her for the 99th time? Wilma pricks him with the needle again and he yells: IF YOU STICK THAT DAMN THING IN ME ONE MORE TIME I'LL SNAP IT IN HALF AND SHOVE IT UP YOUR ***!!



A blonde cop caught a blonde woman speeding. He pulled her over and walked over to her car.

"Miss, I'm going to have to see your license" the blonde cop said.

"What's a license?" the blonde woman asked.

The blonde cop tried to think of a way to describe it, "It's small, rectangular, and has your face on it."

The blonde woman searches through her purse and finds her compact mirror, she looks at it and sees that it is small, rectangular and has her face on it.

She hands it to the blonde cop.

The blonde cop looks at it, "Oh I'm sorry miss" the cop said, "I didn't realize you were a police officer too."



Men are just like a Dog...here's proof!

1. Both take up too much space on the bed.
2. Both have irrational fears about vacuum cleaning.
3. Both are threatened by their own kind.
4. Both like to chew wood.
5. Both mark their territory.
6. Both are bad at asking you questions.
7. Neither tells you what's bothering them.
8. Both tend to smell riper with age.
9. The smaller ones tend to be more nervous.
10. Neither does any dishes.
11. Neither of them notice when you get your hair cut.
12. Both like dominance games.
13. Both are suspicious of the postman.
14. Neither knows how to talk on the telephone.
15. Neither understands what you see in cats.

Answer 6

What do you call a snail on a boat...
A SNAILER...hhaaha Snailer sailer , you get it...(i know , lame)

Well hope you cheer up soon. x

Answer 7

A little joke
A little dance
A little seltzer down your pants.

Answer 8

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