I'm having serious thoughts about leaving my wife...?

Question

I've been married for 3 years and I've had thoughts of leaving my wife for about a year. When I think about it, I get really excited. I can honestly say that if my wife left me, I wouldn't be heartbroken. My wife and I LOT of issues and to be honest with you, I don't think she's aware of them. I try to respectfully let her know but she doesn't seem to get it until I get very quiet (I'm a happy-go-lucky type of guy who is RARELY in a bad mood). After a while, our crappy behavior starts up again. I can't even begin to explain all of our issues to you. Does this mean I don't love my wife? I want to leave but I want to stay...I'm being serious, I am really confused here. Should I leave? Should I stay? Help!!! I can provide more information if needed...

Answer 1

I would recommend trying marriage counseling first, the therapist will help make your wife aware of the problems. If nothing else seems to work, then leaving her may be the answer, as long as you are that unhappy with the situation, things will never be good in the marriage.

Answer 2

Don't ever just leave your wife. Whatever you do, you should take every possible avenue besides just trying to talk with your wife. Ask to go to couple's therapy. They don't fix problems, but they help facilitate communication between the two of you since you're having problems communicating. Maybe she needs medication, she could be depressed and part of that is having some really heavy mood swings and a fiery temper. I'm sure you want to leave because this relationship is not one that you feel happy coming home to, but you want to stay because it's your obligation as the other spouse in the relationship. One is decided on emotion and the other on the logic. I don't think it would be wise to provide more info. online were anyone can say anything in which they have absolutely nothing to lose, but if you act on it...it could have devastating effects on your life. Go to a therapist yourself first, to have him help you out with your feelings. Then he'll suggest couple's therapy...and so on. Maybe your wife will be referred to a psychiatrist to have medication given to her so she can be more easy going. There are so many things that can affect a relationship, you'll need professionals to figure that out. But don't leave, that's not the right step at all. A divorce would be better and it would actually look better, it is a more responsible mutual choice. Try everything you can do so that you and your wife can meet halfway in your relationship and then evaluate it from there. Don't give up, she's still hanging in there.

Answer 3

Shawn, marriage is like that. Hills and valleys. Some days you wake up and roll over, then look at him/her and ask yourself...WHY did I marry you??!?! No one said it would be easy-for better or worse, remember? You got issues? Everyone has issues-you are not different in that regard. If your wife is unaware of the issues, then sit down and have a serious talk with her. Heck, write it down--take notes! Figure out ways to resolve them together. Let me tell you...if you leave her because of your issues, you will likely never have a relationship that lasts. No matter who you're with, that other person is not going to be just like you, there will ALWAYS be differences. Those differences will always cause issues.

You're a grown man. Why get quiet? If there is something that she's doing wrong, she can't fix it if you won't tell her. And keep telling her..don't give up just because you told her once. Many things each of us does is out of a lifetime of habit. Don't expect one or two or three talks about undesirable behavior is just going to change it overnight. Geesh, how many annoying habits do you have, how many times has she asked you to do something that you changed the first time then slacked off on? Marriage is hard work-always has been, always will be. Get to work and stop slacking.

One thing I've learned is that sometimes we have to take 'feelings' out of the equation. Feelings aren't reliable. Wonder why? Well, you want to leave but you want to stay..that's based on feelings. You love her but you dont...feelings again. Unfortunately, many people get married based on feelings nowadays. Marriage is and should be based on commitment. Where there is commitment, there should be honor and loyalty. (I know, I know, we don't hear about those anymore) Commitment takes us beyond feelings, it's a state of determination that says no matter what comes and goes (like feelings :-) I'm in it. I'm staying in it and I'm not going anywhere. As the head of the home, it is your job to set the tone for your household. Be the head! Do what it takes to overcome and don't be led around by 'feelings'. They CAN lead you to make mistakes.

Answer 4

Well you need to work out why you want to leave and why you want to stay. If the leaving outweighs the staying, then it seems you will have your answer. If the staying outweighs the leaving then you both need to go to counselling to sort out these issues and see if the marriage can survive. No-one can answer the question about whether you love your wife, only you can. You would know if you love her or not. I do think its a good idea to sort this problem out now and not let it go on for years unchecked, because it will be a lot harder to get out of your marriage in 10 years time as oppossed to now. Have you suggested counselling to your wife? Maybe with you just expressing your need for counselling will be enough to make your wife know the problems are serious, and if she wants to keep the marriage together, then she will agree to the counselling. You have got to want the counselling too, and if you dont, then I think the answer is very clear....you want out of this marriage. Sometimes emotions get in the way of logic...it happens all the time. You have to get rid of the emotion somehow and look at logic. Are you and your wife compatible? Has she changed after marriage? Do you want to live this way for the rest of your life? These are the logical questions you need to be asking yourself. Sometimes people make mistakes, that is logical reasoning too. If you have made a mistake, then admit it and do something about it. We are all human, and no-one is going to judge you (well, some will, based on archaic beliefs), if you think you have made a mistake, but dont keep that mistake going but fix it. Either work on your marriage via a counsellor, or if you dont want to be in the marriage, leave. I know its a confusing time, but only because you are thinking emotionally. Think logically, like I said, and your mind will become clearer.

Answer 5

You know the nature of your relationship better than what can be explained here. Are the problems that the 2 of you are having fixable - maybe with couples therapy? Would improving the relationship require major and unrealistic changes for you or her? Were there signs before you got married that your relationship had some serious weeknesses that have never been resolved/

She may be aware of there being problems, but is in denial.

Good luck - either way I doubt there is an easy road ahead of you.

Answer 6

If you are being totally honest here, then I would say, leave.
These are feelings that are running very deep for you.
You think about leaving and get excited.. that's not good. I don't think Marriage Counseling will help.
I was once in the very same boat, really. I finally got up the courage to leave. Best decision I've ever made.

Answer 7

I wouldn't feel bad about how you are feeling because I myself have suffered through the same emotions. Definitely try all measures before leaving, what is really making you unhappy? What has changed to make you want to leave? Ask yourself what are you hurting from? Why are you hurting? Remember every relationship has hills and valleys, have you talked to your wife about the way you feel?

Answer 8

It's confusing,and you should think about it very seriously.I don't know if you have kids,but if you don't have it will be easier.Maybe this marriage is not for you...Did you ever think about possibility that some car hit your wife and she died?If you thought and you felt little bit released it means that you wanna go and leave without her but you are just thinking that it will be your fault and you don't have courage to make this step.Don't worry,it happens..good luck:)

Answer 9

talk with HER about these thoughts, get some counseling if you both are wanting to work thru this and go from there. I'm thinking maybe you got married for the wrong reasons if you are having "issues" already! You should still be in newlywed status for petes sake!

Answer 10

If you are not sure if you should leave or not, if you are not sure if your wife is aware of the issues, don't you think, she at least deserves to know what is going on, and you all should at least try counseling???
Good luck!