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This is a pretty long story that needs to be condensed. My wife and I are in couples therapy. We are going through the first big hurdle in our relationship after seven years and four kids. I was very stressed out over the last month or so- intense work related problems, trouble with a very good friend I have known since HS, four kids, plus my wife has gone away to two conferences for the first time ever, as she is getting more independent. Some of her actions were disturbing, she lied to me about two of these guys being gay- and I snooped into her email account and looked at her phone 2X. I told her I did as it made me feel like crap and now we are barely talking. It has been a week of ice cold- but I am giving her the space she has asked for. We had planned to go to a romantic overnighter and I asked her if she still thought it was a good idea day before yesterday and she said, "We always have wanted to go, so lets do it." I dont want to do more damage. What should I do?

2007-02-15 09:33:20 · 22 answers · asked by findingselflove 1 in Family & Relationships Marriage & Divorce

Also, some additional BG: She recently got a Breast Aug, lost about 15 pounds, new wardrobe, started smoking and working out and spending more time going out with friends...

I also am 100% confident that she has not cheated on me at this point

2007-02-15 09:33:44 · update #1

22 answers

Try to focus on her needs and treat her like you did when you were courting her. Try to dismiss your mistrust. You have nothing to lose. If she is going to cheat on you there is absolutely nothing you can do to stop her, BUT if you guys are successful at creating a fulfilling relationship neither of you will have a need to wander. Good luck!

2007-02-22 23:51:50 · answer #1 · answered by G&L 3 · 0 0

I do not see where she has a right to be mad at you. She lied to you about two guys saying they were gay. I would question her on why she lied about that. Another question would be are these guys new in her life and why is she meeting new guys and lying to you about them. You checking her phone although it is not a good thing but her lying about two other men is way worse and she should be in the dog house not you. Good for you in giving her space but also take this time to chek out her attitude and body language especially while out on your overnighter. Let her know during that time that you feel she is slipping away from you and how much you love her and are wiling to do what it takes to keep her. ask her what she wants for you to do. maybe she wants you to work out, or take her out more or give her more attention or maybe just a break from the kids. She is trying to find someting, ask her what it is and go get it together. Be sincere and caring so she doesn't feel like you are attacking her, but don't forget that your wants and need are just as important as hers. I wish you the best of luck.

2007-02-23 07:33:45 · answer #2 · answered by Cameron G 2 · 0 0

Wow, overall you two sound like you really care deeply for one another...and I applaud you for being in couples therapy!

There's something to the "seven-year" point in a marriage...by being in therapy during this crucial time in the relationship, sounds like you'll make it through this particular transition point. If your therapist hasn't discussed the "seven-year" point with you, then you need to bring it up so that you and your wife are aware of the natural relationship changes that occur during this time.

What you're noticing about your wife is that she's beginning to "own her power" as a mature woman. You're obviously an observant person....challenge yourself to list all the changes that have happened to her since you two began dating....and then do the same for yourself. You'll then better appreciate all the passages you've both been through...successfully...

You've both grown up and evolved into more mature and responsible individuals. Can you assess how life's responsibilities have changed since you first met her? Being responsible can be a heavy thing to deal with on a daily basis, I think that's a 'normal' feeling. Yet sometimes we want to feel free of all responsibilities, you know (maybe more frequent 'overnighters' in the future)? Once you're sure that she's not bouncing off a wall in an unhealthy reaction to all the responsibility stress, then I think you can go in the direction of celebrating her "owning her power."

However, you've damaged her trust by snooping around her emails and phone...and you now must earn back that trust. It will take some time....and only she knows how long it will take. Be aware that the balance of power has dipped in her direction because of your snooping around. Hopefully she's not the type of person who would abuse that power, either...something for you to discuss in therapy...at least you felt "like crap" while snooping around...good for you! That says good things about the person YOU are.

This is not a time for you to feel inadequate or anything like that...this is not what this stage is about...you need to match her confidence level...I would suggest that you appreciate this growth passage...celebrate it and 'grow' with it....and support her! Find ways to share your wonderment and awe at being able to watch and observe her actualize herself in all these different ways.....and I guarantee you that your love will deepen even further and your relationship will become even more joyful and enriching.

That "overnighter" sounds like a great opportunity for you to share some of your revelations....

Good Luck!

2007-02-22 22:11:32 · answer #3 · answered by pentora 2 · 0 0

When we women get married,it is wonderful.And not in a bad way,but we end up taking over, where our husbands mothers left off.That is why husbands are expecting so much,moms do spoil their sons. Then we are blessed with children,(natural,adopted,fostered,whatever) and that is wonderful as well.But when the kids come a long,women pretty much lose their identity. We are someones wife,and then, someones mom.How many kids say, "This is my mom and use their name?" And men,they always say,"this is the wife,my other half,the little woman etc." So as the years go by,we lean on our girlfriends,who keep us grounded and remind us who we still are,besides a mom and a wife.Then we get lonely for the "real" world and if we can,we get a paying job. And there are men in the work force,so yes i could see someone saying"oh he is gay." Because husbands do have a tendancy to be jealous,so gay is better then jealous. A wife needs to be pampered outside the home once in awhile. I mean a new toilet seat just doesn't cut it. Men,any man reading this,remember when you courted your wife? How you really went out of your way,dressing yourself up,looking hot yourselves etc.? Surprising her with places to go? Taking her out and spoiling her,opening her doors,buying her little surprises,then when you were ready,proposing? Well after 4 kids,and doing the jobs of 19 people,a wife/mom does get burned out.Men aren't the only ones who dream of trips. Yours might be to hunt,or golf,or fish or camp or whatever.We have daydreams of dreaming of trips. We are human. We are the ones who keep the home running,while you are doing your jobs . But we are expected to. So my advice,pamper her,not only on the trip,but every single day. Even if it is only kissing the back of her neck,or running her a bath,or buying her,her favorite magazine or pop. Helping her at home with the kids,etc. Court her.Woo her,love her,call her by her name or a endearment you haven't used in a very long time.

2007-02-23 09:30:09 · answer #4 · answered by noway 1 · 0 0

I think you need to be more trusting with your wife. She may have told you the guys at work were gay becuase of the fear of what reaction you might have. If you have shown signs of jealousy, like snooping in her E-mail, before it would only make sense that she would tell you something to keep you at easy.

As for the breast aug, weight loss, new clothes, and leading a more active life, I'd feel grateful if my wife were doing these kind of things (all except the smoking). What kind of guy wouldn't want his wife thin, bigger boobed, stylish and better looking. Do you want her fat so other guys won't look at her

2007-02-23 09:06:45 · answer #5 · answered by Anonymous · 0 0

flow on the overnighter. Make her sense as though she's the only lady interior the room. tell her you like her. flow to an exceedingly sturdy eating place for supper. Get some sturdy wine/champagne and tell her how proud you're of her. that would desire to be a sturdy start up. stay far flung from arguing and basically make the overnighter approximately the two one among you.

2016-10-02 05:07:02 · answer #6 · answered by ? 4 · 0 0

The seven year itch...been there. For the first time since your first child was born she is now havign a life again. Be supportive of her interest but also discuss with her what boundries you both need. Focus on activities you both can enjoy together and as a family. It is nice she has space to be herself again and gaining confiedence. I doubt she will cheat on you, she is being noticed by other men and it makes her feel good. That doesn't mean she is sleeping around behind your back. Flirt with her so she will know that she has your attention too!!! Go on the weekend and enjoy yourselves.

2007-02-23 01:04:04 · answer #7 · answered by Muffett : 6 · 0 0

If I were you and ,she said let's do it. Then get the babysitters and GET OUT OF DODGE. See if you feel better. You may be
just a little insecure over the changes she has gone through.
She may need these for her own security blanket.
See how she acts when you 2 are alone, if she rejects you in any
way (sexually or any other physical contact) You may be tuning
into some vibes .Anyway time alone will result in a positive or negative effect, but you will know where you stand

2007-02-23 08:42:51 · answer #8 · answered by cheyenne 2 · 0 0

It sounds like maybe she's going thru a mid-life crisis or something. It also sounds like she's maybe trying to be young and free again, wanting to run around and have fun instead of being a responsible mother tied down with four kids.


As for the romantic overnighter, since she says she wants to go, I guess go and hope that it will bring the two of you closer together again. It's good that you're in therapy.
Good Luck!

2007-02-15 13:52:21 · answer #9 · answered by Ruby V 4 · 1 0

you should still go, you are a married couple be together and have fun. its ok that she goes out, people need time alone. it's good she lost weight and did a breast aug if that is what she wants, she probably wants to feel good about herself so there is nothing wrong with that. the smoking i dont agree with, but she is probably doing it to help loose more weight.
i recently joined a co-ed softball team, to have fun and get a break from the family, i cant wait til it starts
that is probably all she is doing

2007-02-23 07:12:09 · answer #10 · answered by Patricia G 2 · 0 0

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