Should I marry him?

Question

I am so confused yet so sad. I have been dating my now boyfriend for about 5 months and the first 3 months were out of this world. Honestly, we got along as the best of friend, we laughed together and he was there any time I needed him for a shoulder to cry on. I am completely and utterly attracted to the guy. He is honest, sincere, loyal, TRUSTWORTHY, HOT, has a beautiful house, and I KNOW he would be a Wonderful father. If I had the choice of any father for my "imaginary" children it would 150% be him. He is completely real. Although 6 months before we started dating I dated a complete jerk for a year. He was abusive, he was a cop until he got caught for abusing me, all in all short story he ended up getting fired and he is no longer a cop, got caught for DUI, is 35 and cannot keep a girlfriend cause he is a player. Although, he was able to steal my heart my sweet talking me and I ended up very hurt when we broke up - I think he still owns a piece of my heart although I hate him at the same time.

So that being said, this relationship I am in is my 1st non dramatic relationship and I feel as though something is missing. I hate saying what I dont like about him cause it makes me sound ridiculous but I feel like his niceness is too much sometimes, I analyze everything he does. My ex could dress up in a pink tu-tu with one of my bra's and I would have just laughed but honestly if my new beau were to do that I think I would judge him based on it. I still enjoy spending time with him, I enjoy having sex with him and I enjoy relaxing with him but for some reason I dont feel like I love him like I am supposed to. I sometimes get frustrated with how much he kisses me or is all over me but I think I can over it. What I am asking is why is this happening. During the 1st 3 months things became very serious. We moved in together and I was 150% sure I wanted to start my life with him, now I question myself and I dont know why. Is my gut trying to tell me something or am I just not used to having a normal/healthy relationship. If there is anything in this world that I want to work it would be this relationship. I know I could have an incredible life with him. But I feel stressed cause I dont know if this is what love is supposed to feel like?!?!?!

Or could it be because for the past 5 months we have spent EVERY night together. Honestly every night?!?!?! Is there any way we can make this work and KNOW that I am IN LOVE with him?!?!?
Why dont I feel "love" for him?

Answer 1

Ive been there. Honestly, You are just experiencing a normal confusion after getting out of an abusive relationship. The chemical in your brain that is elevated during excitement, is the same one elevated during fear. This rush produces a high. Alot of women confuse the two emotions, and mistake it's feeling; for example, the thought of your ex produces the chemical, not because he excites you, as you so innocently mistake for love; but because you fear him. You new man is not producing this chemical. You are comfortable with him, and that is a good thing. I would say, the 2 issues you are addressing are not inter-related. On the one hand, you now understand that fear and excitment release a feeling and high. Love, however, is not defined by a feeling. Our society has brainwashed into this beleif. Love is an action of trust and accountablity, the process of connecting with a person, passing through 3 stages successfully: 1)aquaintance 2) frienship 3) intimacy on a deep level; including mental, spiritual, physical. This can only be acheived through trust. Your second question; You are perfectly right, spending every night together could get clausterphobic. Im sure if you are feeling this way, so is your man. Sometimes the best way to re-vamp the excitement is to spend some time apart. "Nothing makes me want you more, than you walking out the door..." haha, but it's true. Some people that have been in abusive relationships will create drama to get some much needed alone time- because in their previous relationship, that was the only way to get it. If your man is a healthy guy, he'll totally understand your need for some independant time. That is what is so great about being with someone you can trust and not fear. Your needs matter too. You guys could make it fun, like plan a weekend with your friends; my hubby likes to go hunting, I like to have a slumber party( i know, kinda immature, but it's really fun! We drink margaritas and watch girlie movies and give eachother facials) "love" is not just a feeling; no feeling is always going to be there. It is like a wave, the tide comes rushing in, then it goes back down, then it rushes in...well, you get it, right? After a good weekend apart, you should be able to answer your own question, of whether or not youu want to marry him. Even if it's that your not quite ready. 5 months isn't that long, and you are healthy to realize and respect that marraige is a huge decision, and not to be taken lightly. I waited 3 years. That's kinda long, but that's how long it took me to decide that I was ready. I would recommend pre-marital counseling; it gives you the chance to get all the answers to all those pesky questions you really need to know, but cant think of. Good luck!!!

Answer 2

Love is not a feeling, it is unconditional and is there for no other reason than for love to be there. From the looks of your description, it seems the only reason that you are not happy is that you keep thinking about the pain from your previous relationship and you see your new boyfriend as nothing more than a crutch or an answer to your own needs. Not good!

Furthermore, if you have to post such a question on Yahoo and can't even open up to him about it (as I am guessing you didn't from the way you talk about him), maybe something is wrong with the relationship and you two are only together because of neediness and attachment. Attachment is not love!

No! You should not marry him until you can love him without feeling love and most importantly, TALK TO HIM! That's what marriage is for.

Answer 3

In my opinion, you didn't give yourself TIME to get back to you before you started in the new relationship. After experiencing abuse, you really needed time to heal and cope. Did you ever stop to realize what the other relationship had taken from you? And believe me...something WAS taken from you. And it is the reason you jumped right into another relationship.

That thing was your self esteem and self respect. You were probably like all of us saying, "If my man ever put his hands on me I'd leave him-he wouldn't get a second chance.", but you found yourself in the position and didn't leave in the beginning. Daily, you loathed yourself more for allowing someone to treat you so badly without doing much about it and then desired to stay with him on top of that. So when Mr. Wonderful came along, you received that validation and that love that you had not received before and it made you think that you 'felt' more than you really did. That's why this reaction to him right now.

My advice: move out, break up , do some praying, get a counselor, and re-discover yourself. In the end, you can't love someone else with so much baggage on you.

Answer 4

You might be still recovering from your abusive relationship with that ex-cop jerk, You might have jumped into this new relationship a little too soon and are not yet ready for a serious commitment with anyone.
If you want to make this work, you need to take some time to yourself and do some serious healing, get therapy if you need it.
You might need to slow down a bit, be alone for a little while.
If you don't want to loose this new great guy, and he obviously cares for you, he will understand and be supportive, so you can build your life together and be happy for the rest of your life.
Do not let your baggage of previous abuse take over your life and destroy your chance of happiness.

Answer 5

u have been in abusive dramatic relationships for so long u may not know what is normal, and normal doesn't feel quite right to u. love is never suppose to hurt, just give it some time to get adjusted to your new kind of life, if u know in your heart this is going to work, than go for it, forget the abusive one. the abuse just seemed normal to u. the problem is in your thoughts, and your understanding of life, life is suppose to be easy non dramatic, and not abusive. since your so use to it it doesn't feel normal to u. if u grew up in a dysfunctional family where there was alot of drama and some abuse, you will think that is the norm. but it isn't. if u let this one go, u will be sorry later on. quit judging the man and just be thankful u got him, and not the other one.

Answer 6

Sounds like your head is screaming yes, but your heart is screaming no. However, sometimes it is much, much wiser to listen to your head rather than your heart.

Your ex-boyfriend sounds awful and your relationship with him has carried some of it's abusive damange into your relationship with your new guy. It sounds like you really don't know how you're supposed to be treated, or rather, you don't know how to react when you're treated well instead of poorly.

Give your new guy some more time. Your relationship is still very young. He sounds really fantastic and even if you don't feel like you're "in love" with him, the sort of love that will probably develop from what the two of you have is more of a lasting love than the "thrill" of being "in love."

Answer 7

You got out of a terrible relationship, so you probably went for the complete opposite: wimpus americanus.

The problem with the new guy is when he met you, you were dammaged, so he handled you with kid gloves and he hasn't asserted himself enough.

If it makes you feel any better, he's probably suffocating right now, and you're probably more of a taker than a giver.

Answer 8

I had a daughter-in-law who seemed to feel as you do. She said my son was too nice and she needed more excitement in her life. She has been in numerous relationships since my son, some nice guys and some not so nice, and she has ruined every one of them. See a therapist and try to work through your feelings of needing excitement. If you can't, please don't marry your current guy. You would end up being miserable and worse still you would make him miserable.

Answer 9

I didn't read all of your question, but really, if you need this much outside help, then you don't need to be marrying this person.