What to do when your spouse and you bring out the worst in each other??

Question

I have been married 2 yrs most of which has been not so happily.We have a daughter who is 1.5 together and it is the only thing we have in common because we fight about anything from sex to money and everything in between.Our fights are very bad blow ups involving him pushing me and then me pushing him back.We have both even spit at each other and slapped each other.We act normal in front of our daughter though.He refuses to go to therapy saying it B.S and he does not believe in that [e-mail] thinks people should solve their own problems?

How can this be fixed with out therapy?

problems started when i got pregnant and it was unplanned.

Answer 1

D.I.V.O.R.C.E!!!!!!!!!!! And do it fast before you really end up hurting each other.... you both owe that to your child..

Answer 2

Very often people rush into marriage. By this I mean they didn't really know each other well enough to committ to a lifelong marriage. Obviously if you're fighting over everything and have nothing in common you are not meant to be together - therapy or not. It isn't good to be in a stressful relationship and you shouldn't stay together for the sake of your child. Even though you say you act normal around her she can sense the tension and obviously isn't seeing the physical and emotional bond between her parents. It's important for kids to see this. In the long run you, your husband and your daughter will be happier if you split up now while she's still young. Why would you want to raise her around all that fighting and stress not to mention living the rest of your life in a loveless marriage of fighting? Not healthy for anyone. It's a tough decision but there seems to be only one answer and you know what it is.

Good luck,
Tori

Answer 3

There must have been something that sparked your interest in each other, and caused you to marry in the first place. You guys need to find a way to complement each other, and both of you need to make changes in your lives. Ignoring therapy can lead to future divorce. I know, because I had the same opinion about therapy until it was too late. Talking to each other is not necessarily communicating. You need to understand each other, and try not to subconsciously filter what you hear. I'd suggest two books: Men, Women, and Relationships, and Divorce Busting. There is also lots of public threads on divorcebusting.com where you can find people with similar situations that can help you. Real change starts with you, and yes, one person can change a marriage. Do the reading, and get on the DB path. Good luck.

Answer 4

Your daughter is still young and hopefully will not remember your campaign of physical violence and humiliation you both seem to wage against one another.
I hope you do not have any fire arms in the house, this could get a bit messy.
You clearly lack maturity and are not able to communicate with one another as adults and parents. Your problems are obviously cannot be solved between the both of you, since you need to gain the tools in which to communicate and even argue without getting physically volatile.
Inform your husband that it's either couple's therapy or divorce court, you do not want your daughter to grow up in this dysfunctional environment.

Answer 5

Well if you are fighting about sex and money you know why you are fighting about everything else, slapping each other around and why you havn't been happy.

Surprizingly the solution to your problems are easy.

(1) Money---except for food and housing and basic transportation you no longer spend--money that is earned is only for the family first so neither one of you has a right to spend money without the others consent consent and it must be for the family. 6-months minimum any extra to saving for a house only. This is how mature couple's save for down payments and get through tough finicial times. All of us mature couple have to be able to do this.

(2) Sex -- that's the reward for busting *** and taking care of your family. That is what mature couples do for entertainment and stress relief and to show love to their partners. Since you won't be spending money on entertainment you need to take time to see to it you get some personal pleasure and he gets some personal pleasure each and every day. Rules are whats good for the goose is good for the gander so if he goes down on you you go down on him. It has to be fair. If you don't want your's see to it he gets his. If he gets silly and want to poke you up the backside, get a big old dildo and do him there first.

(3) If this proposal isn't fair to one of you. That is a guilty SELFISH party that should not be married.

Good Luck and grow up, your daughter needs real parants not the two squabling selfish children like you two are behaving like.

Answer 6

I have been there - it's so hard......physical abuse is what's going on. Of course the man won't want help - he should be ashamed of himself for putting his hands on you. I know this may be hard to swallow - but you need to back off when he is fuming - get away from him, don't make things worse - even if what he is saying is true or not....as hard as it might be to keep quiet - do it.
Tell someone you know what's going on - I never told anyone the truth because I was scared - tell someone and maybe they can help....your husband needs another man to tell him what he is doing is wrong...accountablity. I hope that helps a little. Otherwise, in my case, time has mellowed my husband. He can still be an a** but it's a lot better.

Answer 7

by posting this question and suggesting therapy...
i am sure you want this marriage to work.

what happened to cause things to be this shaky? since when did things change? or was it like this all along?

i am sure or i think you should know. work towards that line...

let him knows... you are trying. you want things to work.
and that much as you are sorry for blowing you top and all the pushing whenever fight occurs, you still want this family to work, for yourself, him and your daughter.
let him know that both of you are contributing to the mess the family is in now...it is a family. not a one-man show.
ask him how for "advice" on how should u tell ur daughter if she ask why are mummy and daddy spitting at each other...
but perhaps, talking to him might end up in another quarrel.
attend anger management course yourself first...
and perhaps can choose to write to him. maybe as a note in a romantic e-card...

it is never easy for a relationship to work. giving up as and when obstacles occur shouldnt be the solution.

Answer 8

Sounds like you'll have to solve this problem by contacting an attorney to file for divorce. I'm sorry, but in my opinion, staying together for the child isn't a good idea. Everyone is miserable. Cut your losses and find a lawyer. Counseling is out, there's really nothing else to do. You're young, you have plenty of time to find someone that won't bring out the worst in you.

Answer 9

Go to your corners and don't come out until you can both play nice!

Seriously, couples therapy is the only way to go. You can tell him that you CAN solve your own problems but going to a therapist is a way to have a paid referee keep it from getting out of control. In the end therapist don't solve your problems for you, they help you to find your own answers. It seems counter-intuitive but it's true. Just find a good one. In my opinion only 1 in 10 are any good.

Answer 10

If you cant work it out on your own. Then I would consider getting a divorce,its too stressful to live like that. Also not good for your daughter eventually she will realize that you 2 are not happy.

Answer 11

certain, maximum couples supplement eachother. Sexually & Financially. administration is necessary the following, in the adventure that your hubby brings out the worst in you it may well be fairly gruesome, yet when he brings out the most ideal in you it may well be Love all once more beneficial and reason you to do things you concept you weren't able to. solid success!