My ex has asked me to pick up my daughter for her on Teu. & thur. nights while she is in school. I agreed. Now that I have told her I can't have a relationship w/ her (she says she wants to be friends) as long as she is involved with the man she had an affair on me with. I told her it was more important for our daughter to see her father smiling and laughing vs haveing a relationship w/ her. Laughter had been missing in our home and it had returned and I wasn't going to put myself in a position to lose my joy. Now she says she says she is going to find other care for her. I want to talk to her tonight when she picks her up and tell her she isn't hurting me and in the long run she will be the one to pay for this selfish act. I resented my father until the age of 36 for keeping me from my mother. She could be her mothers age before our daughter may forgive her. Once our daughter sees this. What should I say to her and HOW should I say it?
2007-02-15 08:05:45 · 17 answers · asked by Art 1 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
This is a tough one. I have had problems with my ex-husband since he began dating and what i have finally had to realize was that I can't controll his decisions. Even when they affect our children. You have to make yourself available to your daughter as much as possible and if mom won't allow that, it is her fault. Her relationship with your daughter is her responsibility. That is a very hard thing to come to terms with because we want our children to have a smooth road with both parents. You can't change your ex's decisions. Talk to your daughter, let her know you are there for her whenever and would be happy to keep her on Tuesdays and Thursdays, but it is up to mom. Just stop there. Your daughter knows you are available and let your ex explain why she isn't letting her come to you.
How your daughter feels about her mother is between them. You just reassure your daughter that her mother's choices are not her fault or her responsibility. Mom's bad choices are mom's bad choices. Good Luck!!
2007-02-15 08:13:37 · answer #1 · answered by Christina 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You need to grow up.
You've not been able to get past the fact your wife cheated on you. Consider that at least she was really, truly in love with the guy and not just out tramping around. Seriously- it makes a big difference.
Secondly, she only wishes to be civil and kind with you. For your daughter's sake, you should do this. You should be mature and strong and kind instead of feeling like you lost the game or something.
You're going to have to deal with both your ex-wife and your daughter for the rest of your life, mister. How do you want that to be ??
You're much better off showing how strong, stable, independent, and together you are than being all mopey and weak whenever you have to see your ex-wife.
Treat your ex-wife and her new husband like the respectful adults they are. Be cool. Be VERY cool to them and you'll not have to worry about how your daughter views either of her parents, because she'll only see two well-adjusted mature adults sharing in a common responsibility they are both happy to have.
This will all be much easier once you've found love again too...but in the meantime, stuff those nasty feelings in the closet and be NICE to everyone involved with your daughter's life. If you don't, you're going to look like the idiot to her.
When you see her tonight, apologize for being stupid, and explain how you still get a little emotional sometimes, but you're growing past it. Say that you treasure the time with your daughter and you'll be happy to pick her up. You'll also say that you're confident you'll be able to be cool with the new man in her life and you understand that he'll be part of your daughter's life too...so you're understanding you need to deal with it like the man you are.
And you're a COOL man. That's how you're going to deal with it.
Build this bridge...don't tear it down. You'll want your daughter to be able to cross it freely.
2007-02-15 08:21:12 · answer #2 · answered by wrdsmth495 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
What I don't understand is this...If this is your ex than you shouldn't be having a relationship with her. Why can't you be friends? Why is it that the kids have to always be pulled in the middle and in long run they are the ones that are hurt the most. People we need to grow up and act like adults here. That child needs and wants both parents, for once in both of your lives put the childs wants and needs ahead of your own and you will do okay.
2007-02-15 08:11:24 · answer #3 · answered by tmjf461 2 · 0⤊ 1⤋
Wow. There's way too much drama in your life. This is day 2 of this ugly saga.
Yesterday, I think the preponderance of responses were telling you to stop jacking around and trying to tell her who to date. If you don't want to be friends with her, then don't be, but stop trying to manipulate this relationship she has with the other loser.
Let it go man. If I had a kid with my ex, and she said she wanted to be friends, I'd just say "that's nice", and then I'd blow her off when I didn't feel like dealing with her.
I know it's hard. Been there, done that, and i bought the T-shirt, but you gotta move on and try to keep communication with this woman to a minimum and never let her know how you feel... until you feel nothing.
2007-02-15 08:24:42 · answer #4 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
It seems your "X" betrayed the marital trust. From that, there is little chance of going back. Move on.
As far as your daughter is concerned, regardless of your "X's" feelings toward you, you must:
Always put your child first.
NEVER let your child hear you talk ill of the other parent.
Spend as much time with your child as is humanly (and logically) possible.
Demonstrate to your child that your break-up is NOT HIS/HER FAULT.
Do not fall into the trap of using your child to manipulate the other parent.
Do not allow the child to manipulate you or the other parent.
Get GOOD counselling for you AND your child(ren). Together or seperately.
Good luck....
2007-02-15 08:16:42 · answer #5 · answered by Len_NJ 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
There are laws that protect your rights to being able to maintain a relationship with your daughter. She has no rights to keep you from seeing or spending time with your daughter. Discontinue this argument with her and seek legal advice. Best of luck to you!
2007-02-15 08:12:26 · answer #6 · answered by pictureshygirl 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Obviously you are entitled to visitation and should contact a good attorney to ensure that you get it. It really depends on how old your daughter is before you can really have a talk with her. Go to a child psychologist and see what they say about how to handle this with your daughter. Good luck and God Bless.
2007-02-15 08:10:09 · answer #7 · answered by tersey562 6 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Listen and understand, she is your ex. That is that. Who she sees in her personal life is up to her completely and totally and the relationship you have with your daughter cannot be conditional to her mother dating habits.
Be a responsible mature adult and build the best relationship with your child. Let your ex have her life and move on with yours.
2007-02-15 08:12:10 · answer #8 · answered by artist-oranit.com. 5 · 0⤊ 1⤋
It won't hurt you to not see your daughter??? Your daughter is only going to see that you took no interest in her or her life. It will be YOU she won't forgive. Fu ck the guy your ex is with, and see your daughter!!! You need to suck it up and be friends with the Mother of your child!!! You are the one who will loose big, if you don't keep her in your life!!!
2007-02-15 08:13:26 · answer #9 · answered by wish I were 6 · 0⤊ 1⤋
ok man first off try to speak with her and explain that you want to be involved in your daughter's life, and that you want to maintain a civil relationship for your daughter's sake. if she wants the best solution for the situation she will understand this. if not fight for custody rights, you should get them for the fact she was the that cheated of atleast partial custody.
2007-02-15 08:22:49 · answer #10 · answered by philip c 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋