We have been married for 15 years. We just aren't on the same page anymore. I was gone for the military for 2 years, and ever since I got back i have been struggling to find my place in the family. She has gotten to be very controling and still wants to do everything herself. Jokingly, I think she is obsesive. She will not let me do any of the shopping yet complains that I do not cook. She constanly complains about the bills but will not include me or give me a chance to see what I can figure out. I could go on and on and on.
Yesterday she accused me of not caring about her feelings and being respectful. I guess she may be right. But when she gets going she keeps chipping and chipping and all I want to do is tune her out. I can see this coming a mile away and do my best to just lay low. It didn't help matters that she is PMSing. This I have gotten used to.
I don't protest to be the best husband in the world. But I do love her and want to spend the rest of my life with her.
2007-02-15 07:57:16 · 18 answers · asked by Vik 1 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
Love is supposed to be equal and no-one should hold the reigns in any relationship. You may love her, but does that mean you are prepared to be treated like you dont exist because thats what it sounds like to me. If someone is treating someone else in an unacceptable manner, they will continue to behave that way whilever the other person allows it. She's a tough cookie, she dealt with the fact you went to war...she probably had to toughen up because the thought of losing you would have been very real in her mind. She needs to be de-programmed and you taking the soft line with her will not work. You need to find your voice. You need to tell her that you are no longer at war, you are at home with her and she needs to include you. You may have to take the tough line with her and force her to acknowledge that the marriage is in trouble. If you say nothing, then nothing will be resolved and she will never understand that you are unhappy. She needs to know that the marriage IS in trouble or she wont do anything to change. You may have been at war, but you are an equal in this relationship. If she suffers badly pre menstrual cycle, then she needs to acknowledge this too and go get some medication so she doesnt suffer so severly. Molly coddle her, and nothing will change. Make her be responsible for how she is treating you and you will see changes. You are the one who has to start thinking about yourself because it sounds like she is too pre-occupied with herself to think about you.
Talk to her, tell her you are unhappy, force her into a situation where she agrees to counselling and dont back down...be consistent. You dont think while you were away she found somebody else do you? Maybe that has caused these changes and she is unhappy in the marriage. I hope that is not the case for your sake, but maybe is the reason she doesnt care about your feelings...maybe she is thinking if she treats you badly then you will leave her...maybe its what she wants. Whatever the case, only honest communication is going to sort this problem out.
I wish you all the best, and thank you for protecting our country, without people like you, we would probably be in the hands of the commies by now.
2007-02-15 08:18:27 · answer #1 · answered by rightio 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
How long have you been back? Maybe she need a little time to re- adjust to you being home, since she has had to do it all while you were gone. Give her a little time, and if it persists then maybe counseling wouldn't be needed. She had to adjust to you being gone, and I am sure that it was hard for her then and the stress of taking care of things and your safety.
I could say I have been in her place, Hubby right here, I do the bills and all, I complain and have said that I don't think he cares for my feelings and what I am going through. He does the same thing that you are doing...the laying low...It just bothers me more because I feel like he don't care!
Been married almost 7 years and he never will argue not that I want that BUT at least I would know what is going on in his head. So my advice to you is speak up!! If my hubby would say counseling I would say no.
Hubby says that women are emotional and Men are logical...I say,figure out that I want to see some emotion.
There have been times where I have said to him Jokingly(kinda), I wish you just put me in my place!!~~Good luck~
And Thank You for your time and sacrifice in the service, I'm glad you made it back, safe!!
2007-02-15 16:20:20 · answer #2 · answered by CJ 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Have you told her all those things in your paragraph? Maybe she just needs acknowledgement & appreciation. She wants to know that you are thankful for all she does & especially for all she did while you were gone. Get involved by offering to "help" her with the finances, cooking, cleaning - from there maybe you can move to having a 50/50 relationship. Plus if you truly want to go to marriage counseling, propose it in this way: "Honey, would you mind if I found a counselor that we could go to that could show ME how to be a better husband?" That way she doesn't feel like you're saying SHE needs help. Keep at it, your love will sustain.
2007-02-15 16:05:23 · answer #3 · answered by mstrayg 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Realistically, You can't convince your wife to go into counseling. A person has to be willing to do something. If I were you, I would just try to INSPIRE her. I'd be the best husband that I could be. Your best is all you can do. If she CHOOSES to be difficult, that's her choice. Then you will have to decide what you are going to do. Either stay in the marriage and accept her the way she is or leave the marriage. I wish you the best.
2007-02-15 16:04:53 · answer #4 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
in order to make your marriage better you must understand yourself and your own needs better first. this will open the door to understanding her behavior and needs. perhaps you could go to counseling yourself, for yourself. talk to your counselor about the problems you are having with your marriage. maybe then you can figure out how to go about connecting with her again and by letting her see the changes in you, she might be more open to attending counseling together. i've learned that you cant fix other people, only yourself.
i'm no psychologist or psychiatrist but it seems to me that while you were gone she HAD to do things for herself, and the thought of being by herself again makes her unable to let go of the control she had when you were gone. is there a possibility of you having to leave again? if so perhaps she has built herself a defensive barrier in case that happens. maybe to help her you could do some things around the house without her asking you to, kind of like suprise her with dinner or fold the laundry before she does. little things like that go a long way.
2007-02-15 16:03:25 · answer #5 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
It sounds to me that she built a protective barrier when you were gone and did learn to do everything by herself. But she seems to be unable to let it go. I myself am starting relationship counselling tomorrow. My partner knew he had no choice because I told him if he did not shape up and start treating me a bit better and come with me to these sessions he would be going out the door leaving me and our little angel who is 2. He promptly agreed. You have GOT to talk to your lady and tell her how you feel and I truely believe you need a break at this stage and for you to explain that you cant live like this any longer. Maybe if you started a bit of counselling first, maybe she would consider going once you are open and chat to her about it. I hope everything works out for you.
2007-02-15 16:05:01 · answer #6 · answered by Teresa M 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
If your wife doesn't want to go, you can't make her unless it's a court order. What I suggest you do is go for counseling yourself. It sounds like you're putting up with a lot of crap. You don't deserve to be in a situation like that; you're being ABUSED. Within counseling, you can discover what is the best for you to do. I wish you luck, and sorry about your situation.
2007-02-15 16:05:12 · answer #7 · answered by Bud's Girl 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Good for you. 9 times out of 10 it's the wife seeking marriage counseling. But you need to make sure that you really want this to work. Often times by the time couples seek marriage counseling they want out and want to be able to make peace with themselves by saying "Well we tried marriage counseling and it just didn't work so i guess we never had a chance." My advise to you would be to start going yourself. If she really wants to help the relationship she'll join you.
2007-02-15 16:02:22 · answer #8 · answered by Eddie 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
I'm sorry to hear of your troubles. I think the best way to convince her to go to marriage counceling with you is to go by yourself to start with and the councilor will invite her to join you eventually. Since it sounds to me that she's approachable about everything else...she'd probably be unapproachable to you on this subject as well. However, if the professional you meet with approaches her you might get a favorable response. Things work out the same way with teens as well (i.e. third party involvement).
I hope this helps:)
2007-02-15 16:08:34 · answer #9 · answered by cherokeemaydyn 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Listen to what kja63 has to say..... I agree with her. If your spouse won't go to counselling, then go alone. It's amazing what you will learn and later, be able to deal with. I had the same type of situation a while ago....I won't go into detail, but I'll tell you this... I am single again.
You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make them drink!!
2007-02-15 16:08:09 · answer #10 · answered by Len_NJ 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋