My wife has been cheating on me with a financially generous old flame for emotional fulfillment. I am there for her emotionally and lay it down in the bedroom but I guess you can only love one person at a time and it wasn't me. She feels horrible, we want to put our family back together but she is hesitant. She says she is confused on whether to start her career or work on the marriage. She also doubts my loyalty even though I have not cheated on her she thinks I only want her to come back to punish or mistreat her and I have been nothing but understanding and supportive. I think she only gave some thought to the issue because she needs to stay married to me to keep her US visa. If she does not need me for her visa I think she wants to start a new life with this other guy who spoils her rotten. I am a good provider but I think she is a gold-digger. She his it when we were dating by secretly getting money and saving it in a secret account. Ladies, what are your thoughts?
2007-02-15 06:36:22 · 11 answers · asked by Magnus01 3 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
She says that I could not possibly care about her because even after buying her ticket to go be with that guy I only gave her enough to take the trip. She felt like I should have padded her with a couple of hundred just in case of emergency but I think she has money in reserve. I found out before that she had over $4,000 in cash in a secret account but was playing broke always asking me to send her some money. Then she swore that she spent it but I find out she has got another guy sending her $500 a month and is carrying on a relationship with him. She thinks I left her out there to fend for herself when she is going to her rich boyfriends house. Now she wants me to reassure her I am going to treat her right because in her mind she thinks it's a trick but I am asking.. "What else do you want for me!?" I bought you a winter jacket and boots for the cold climate in his city. I got her hair done (because we had the appointment already) and I asked if she needed anything else.
2007-02-15 06:37:27 · update #1
She is more concerned with her career and pocket money than really mending our relationship. I am ready to give up but that means she gets deported and I am done with her. I don't want to use that as a threat but thats real. I have bent over backward. What else could I be expected to do? My family says cut her off and let her starve but she has my son so I don't want to hurt her because it would hurt him also. If she is homeless so is he.. Any advice ladies on holding it together or is it too far gone?
2007-02-15 06:38:00 · update #2
Excerpt from an e-mail she sent: Baby, I am REALLY sorry for comparing you to him. For throwing it in your face how good he treated me or how much money he got/has. That was not a good gesture and pretty insenstive on my part and for that I apologize. I appreciate all of the times you have forgiven me even when I didnt deserve it. YOU have done so MUCH for me, so much so I will always be grateful. It hurts me even to have to need time to actually choose between a job and our marriage, I am sure it hurts you too- I am just being honest with who I am and what I can for us and our marriage. You asked, what more do I want from you? That you treat me nice, etc... You have a good heart and I KNOW in my heart of hearts that you are a good person, and are doing ALL of your best to provide, love and take care of all of us. Isnt that enough? You ask...
Well it is nice but I dont want to set any limitations to how far we can go. Truth is you have a pretty good job, but it's not enough for me...
2007-02-15 06:38:51 · update #3
Another excerpt: I always had money and it was a sense of security and now that I dont have any, it scary. I mean, beleive it or not, a financially stressed relationship/marriage is not easy to deal with. Money is not everything BUT constant struggling and worrying, and counting pennies is no fun.
Thats why I am caught up between the job and coming home. I havent even replied to them yet to set a date for the meeting/interview. I wanted to tell you about it first. Yes I would like the opportunity, a lot...to get my foot in the door and learn to be on my own for a while- I want to be challenged, I want to feel like I'm on my own. Not you, or him or my family etc. I even told HIM that.... of course he says that I shouldnt worry about getting a job but thats not what I want, to depend on someone forever...you know. am being honest with myself. OH you say that it seems like its about ME ME ME, well I learnt something interesting from you- that you gotta love youself first...
2007-02-15 06:43:08 · update #4
How many blows to the head does it take for you to wake up and smell the stink? Your wife has been cheating on you with a financially generous old flame but she needs to stay married to you to keep her US visa. Why? Why doesn't she marry the financially generous flame? She's not confused about whether she should start her career or work on her marriage. She knows exactly what to do and she's doing it. She's enjoying the best of both worlds. She's using you to keep her visa while she bleeds and drains you dry and she's living it up and enjoying being with this other man that she would really rather be with.
What I don't understand is why you continue to be loyal, understanding and supportive to someone who only looks at you as nothing more than a gullible doormat. You have been so good to her if she really loved you there wouldn't be anything for her to have to think about. A wife's place is with her husband. She only hesitates leaving you because at least with you she knows she has security. She knows she count on you, as you say, to be there for her. But my mom always use to say there comes a time when every tub has to stand on its bottom.
Today or tomorrow, if God called your number, what would she do? And whatever she would do in that instance why doesn't she do that now? Why do you put up with someone who tells you to your face that they are being unfaithful and doubts YOUR loyalty and then turns around and pretends she feels so horrible about what she's doing?
You need to tell her to pack her bags or you pack yours and put an end to this farce of a marriage. No one deserves the kind of disrespect and disloyalty that she has shown you. Please don't continue to let this woman make a fool of you. You're a great guy and evidently have a whole lot to offer. Why don't you cut the cord and get out there and find a nice lady who will love you and appreciate you for the wonderful person you are?
2007-02-15 07:14:07 · answer #1 · answered by Arleen J 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
What are the benefits to you, your wife and your son where you remain in a relationship where there is no honesty, trust or commitment? Your marriage is not the first thing on her mind, her career is. Did you marry for love or for her citizenship?
Honestly? Think about what is best for you without her being a consideration, to start. What is it that you want? What kind of relationship do you want? Can you have it with her successfully?
It also seems that you have issues with her and money. Yes, she's lied to you about her secret accounts and needing money. Have you forgiven her? Has she even asked to be forgiven? Have either of you brought up the possibility of counseling?
If it were me, I'd let her go. I'd file for legal separation, get custody of my son and call it a day. It doesn't sound to me like you are convinced that you really want her back. Why do you want to put your family back together? What would be the purpose? If she wants to do that, then she wouldn't be confused about it. I also have a hard time understanding why you'd be understanding and supportive after she cheated on you. I'd be a little pissed.
If you love each other, and there are not other motives for being married, then there shouldn't be any hesitation on her part. You have to be honest with yourself about the chances of your marriage surviving this, and just what kind of relationship you want. There's no trust, no love and not enough commitment. I'd end it.
2007-02-15 06:52:18 · answer #2 · answered by Le_Roche 6 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Wow! You are that rare gem of a man. Unfortunately, your wife seems to have issues at the heart level. When people don't have values such as loyalty, respect, and dare I say it...honor, the people who love them pay the price. I'm not saying that your problems are insurmountable, but she has to be willing to work on them and change. What the two of you have to realize is that change takes time and work. You may need time apart in order to work things out. I am an advocate for couples to try their best to stay together...sometimes it's possible and other's it's just not.
Your wife has lied, cheated, covered up and lied some more. Some part of her life has led her to care about materials more than relationships. Until she has confronted those issues and the underlying causes of those issues, she will not be the woman and wife she should be. I recommend joint marital counseling and separate counseling. You need an outlet for the rage you have to be feeling at her betrayal. We can try to deny it's there, but underneath..you know it is. I know what it's like to love someone above all reason especially when your mind is telling you that they will simply hurt you again. I know everyone on the board will be telling you to cut and run, but if it were that simple-you wouldn't be asking the question. It's rarer still for a man to be willing to forgive an unfaithful wife. There is still love, devotion, and attachment there. I wouldn't give up until that something inside you knows that it is surely over. But please, use caution and reason. Take things slowly. One day and one step at a time.
2007-02-15 09:18:04 · answer #3 · answered by moe497 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You deserve to be happy and not have to psycho-analyze her and what she is saying or what her actions mean. I can understand that you are supportive and caring, but enough is enough. Why continue this way? Count your blessings and move on. Find someone who loves you unconditionally and doesn't need a marriage to stay in the country. There are lots of women out there who want a caring and understanding man. Be strong and end this!
2007-02-15 06:46:36 · answer #4 · answered by laura g 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
You gave her money to be with the other guy? Few things shock me anymore...but you have just done it! She is a little tramp who is using you to get what she wants..and if you don't see that, you are an idiot. Get her *** thrown out of the country!!!
2007-02-15 06:42:25 · answer #5 · answered by HENRY M 2 · 3⤊ 0⤋
good riddance. Your lucky to know now that she's such a loser.
Move on with yourself and get a real woman with a clue.
She's a piece of trash.
2007-02-15 06:40:50 · answer #6 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
you need to go ahead and let go of this disaster in the making and not look back so what if she gets deported it is not the end of the world for her and she will just find another sucker to use. let it go and get on with your life
2007-02-15 06:58:35 · answer #7 · answered by billc4u 7 · 1⤊ 0⤋
I think this is going to be on Dr. Phil next week.
2007-02-15 06:41:37 · answer #8 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
give up on this and go spend ur money on a good girl like me!
2007-02-15 06:41:24 · answer #9 · answered by Graham 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
That's WAY too long dude, but from what I skimmed of it I'd say, let her go and move on.
2007-02-15 06:40:53 · answer #10 · answered by . 7 · 2⤊ 0⤋