How do I be a supportive friend in this situation?

Question

I have known "Dani" since she was born. I'm 21 and she is 19. She just got out of a bad 2 yr relationship with her first boyfriend. The next day she started dating his best friend who she had been wanting the entire time anyway. They have only been dating 2 months when they decided to start trying to have a baby. Dani works at a video store, and makes $900/month. Her new boyfriend has no job, and a felony on his record, which will make it hard to get a job at all. They got approved for a $800/month apartment and are all excited about it. I have no clue how they think they are going to afford it. They just figure that he will have a job by the time the old tennants move out. She has decided to drop out of college too, to be a mother. They are OK with going on government assistance. I have no problem with getting help when you have NO CHOICE, but it bugs me that they would purposely put themselves in this situation on purpose. Last night, she announced they are engaged!

They have only been together 3 months! TO recap, shes dropping out of college, marrying this guy, moving into a place that they cant even come close to affording... and WORSE... are TRYING to have a baby! I love Dani dearly, but oh my goodness! My husband and I had a child at her age, but it wasnt planned, and has kinda set us back in life. We wouldnt change a thing, but I think its irresponsible to be doing what they are doing. Am I a bad friend for not being able to be happy for her? Is it pointless to try and give advice? I fee like I should just sit back and let it happen, cuz there is nothing I can do. seriously, is it sick of me that I wanted to cry when she told me they are engaged last nite?

Also, shes really great with my daughter. Shes a sweet girl, smart too (except common-sense). She would probably be a good mother, but I think its wrong to intentionally bring a child into poverty. She would have to go right back to work after having the baby. I find it funny they are trying so hard to have a child that they are just going to have to pay someone to raise, or have the government pay for the childcare. Am I way off base here?

Answer 1

I understand your feelings, and it seems like a very dificult position for your.

You are rigth when you say that you have nothing to do, there is nothing in your hands to change their minds, but of course you can talk to her, but you have to be concious that's all you can do.

I would try to find the time to talk calmed and quietly, somewhere you are not going to be interrupted, and she can really listen to you.

As a friend, you can tell her, ... What i'm going to tell you is not because i'm selfish or something, i am so proud of my life, and as dificult as it's been, we have been lucky to get where we are, but, i have to tell you what i see because i care about you and i wouldn't feel alrigth if i don't tell you this.

I know how in love you are, i know how much you want a baby, i know how exciting can it be to prepare the weeding and all that. But the marriage, the life togheter, having a baby, is not like being boyfriend and girlfriend, there are lots of responsabilities on it.

Being married is not living the honeymoon everyday, being married is being responsable on a house, on the food, on the bills. And the main responsability, because you want to have a baby so quicly is to be a mother, this is no joke or game, this is a human's life depending on you.

It's dificult for a person with a career, with more studies, so, but you are quiting school, so you will have even less tools in life.

The time of become inlove, the beginning of a relation is always exciting, and it feels great, but the love you need to have a life togheter involves compromise, besides love.

I believe you could wait a little longer, if he really loves you, he should be able to wait for you, till you finish something else that will give you more security in your future life togheter.

You should think carefully, you don't really know how he would be in dificult times for you, you haven't share any problem with him, so you don't know if he will live you when the problems start.

If you give your self some more time to think about it, maybe you will make a more informed choice, you will even be prepared for facing problems, but you have to give it a real and concious think.

You should do it, you deserve to at least have the time to make the better choice for your self, but not only for you, think in your children, what do you want to give your children? what are you going to teach them? to act mature? or to go with their instincts?

There is a saying... whenever hungry enter by the door, the love goes out by the window!!!

Finally they will make their own decisions, and deal with it, as they can. So, after you talk to her, and if your friend stays in her idea, then you should be happy for her, and hope that she find her way.

Answer 2

You are 100% right she has really not thought this through at all she obviously thinks that it will be soo easy to just get married and have a good life living off benefits the truth is she will be evicted from her appartment have a kid that needs nappies and food and clothes and bills coming out of her ears she currently earns £900 a month which i think is about £500 in the uk you couldn't rent a house for that a month let alone pay any bills or have any money left for food or bills and nappies and formula aren't cheap i have a 3 year old and i know i that there is always another bill on the door step and that my son always needs clothes and things and its not easy. when she has this baby she is planning she wont have any income apart from the goverment benefits she will recieve and i dont know about in america but in the uk if your partner has a job you aren't entitled to benefits and there is no way she can manage. I know it sounds awful but maybe you should talk to her and suggest she et this appartment first and get the wedding out if the way before trying for the baby she will probably find that she cant afford te appartment and may even be evicted and that might put her off rushing into thing. sometimes people just need to learn the hard way.

Answer 3

The old saying "experience is the best teacher" is what your drawing off of but people have to experience for themselves to know what it is really like. All she sees is a guy she really likes, not someone with no job..a great new place to live, not the rent payments ahead...a child of theirs, not the day to day care of the child...and government assistance, not poverty. I see it every day in this state and wonder why so many young people are repeating what their parents did, don't they want a better life? If not for themselves then maybe for their children? Just your telling of her has my heart weeping too. All you can do is tell her the way life really is and when (yes it will be a when , not an if) yes comes to you all burdened down be a shoulder for her to lean on and an ear to hear her heartbreak.

Answer 4

You have to let her make her mistakes, unfortunately. The only thing you can do is casually and quietly let her know how things were for you and your husband when you first got together and discovered your unplanned pregnancy. You are right that what they are doing is foolish, and most likely she will be left with a child and no father or a deadbeat dad at the very least. But be there for her when she needs you and try not to say "I told you so". You could suggest they go to "couples counselling" they offer at churches and other places for people thinking of getting married, etc. It helps to see if this will be a long term relationship. I wish them the best of luck and God's blessings.

Answer 5

Oh Lordy, I feel sorry for your friend, I made the same mistake, of course I am paying for that now and I have had to struggle ever since, cause My dead beat ex-husband could never keep a job. I think you should tell your friend that you love her and hope everything works out like she hopes they will, and be sure to tell her how you feel about the situation and why you feel that way even tho' you know it won't make a difference. I know this isn't much help, but that's what I would do if I were in this situation! I hope your friend wises up!!!!!

Answer 6

She is on the rebound. Look up rebound relationships and educate her. That much you can do. It could be worse. The relationship will not last with all the going ons that you say are happening because the rent needs paid and welfare is a hand up not a hand out anymore.
As for engagements, my son was engaged for Christmas and unengaged for Valentine's Day! It is more of a trial and error time for daters to see if they can tolerate each other. lol

Answer 7

i think you are right for wanting the best for your friend, but there is nothing you can do to help her see. if she can not see how your situation has made your life moredifficult then telling her won't change a thing. i don't understand why she would drop out of college though. couldn't she be with him and go to college. i wish her the best and hope that every thing works out in her favor, but if it doesn't i hope that she will still have a friend by her side. she will live her life the way she thinks is best and all you can do is be there for her.

Answer 8

I would give her your opinion. Then tell her to listen to Dr. Laura. Having a child with this guy will tie her to him for the rest of her life. Does she feel that she will be married for the rest of her life to him? Dr. Laura has many books and you can check them out from the library. I don't always agree with Dr. Laura but she might be able to get some advice from hearing others call in. www.drlaura.com is her website.

Answer 9

Ya know, there isn't much you can say. If you tell your friend how you really feel, it will probably make her angry. I honestly don't know how you have been so patient with her and her do-nothing boyfriend. I was in a situation similar to yours, and had to call off the friendship. It was just too frustrating. My former friend has since divorced and left town.

Answer 10

Well I guess I would at some point soon sit her down and ask her those questions. After that dont mention it again. Its her life and all you can do is give advice you cant make them take it.