Prove to me how brilliant you are?

Question

I am a publisher. I love the written word. I place a high value on the art of communication. So it boggles my mind when I read some of the questions in the Books & Authors section. Folks claim to be at the top of their class, or claim to be so talented, and yet can't seem to construct a complete sentence.

Of course, some of this is the nature of the internet. We abbreviate. We don't proofread. Or maybe, like me, you are typing while on a short break at school/work and don't have the time to go back and check for typos. But in all honesty some of the questions posted are the biggest pieces of incoherent drivel I have ever seen.

So here is the challenge. For all of you who claim to be "at the top of your class," here is your chance to prove it.

Pretend you are going to submit a story to my company. Post your query letter. It only need be a paragraph or two. Best answer will get a free PDF of one of our books. I want to encourage all you budding writers to READ!

Answer 1

Dear Bardsandsage's,
I am a novice novelist, and I am currently in the process of completing my latest piece.
It is a story about a publisher, who is so frustrated by the modern day drivel that they have to trawl through each and everyday. Frustrated by the abbreviation culture that has hit us since the mobile revolution, the publisher decides to take matters into their own hands.
The story follows the publisher from being a happy and successful person to the sour and twisted person, who is hell bent on revenge on all the prospective new authors that send work for proofing.
The publisher carries on working as normal during the day, but during the night becomes a psychotic book wielding demon. The publisher's first victim is a young columnist trying to get published for the first time. The police find him with a dictionary stuffed in his mouth and a Roget's Thesaurus stuffed elsewhere, but what baffles them more is the fact that his body has been leather bound.
The publisher is on a mission. The police are bewildered. Who will be next?
Not I.
Regards,
The Darkstranger

Answer 2

Dear Madam;

I found your post to be very intriguing, as I too love the written word. One of the things I look forward to in retirement is the stacks of books that I can bring home with me on a weekly basis. As a teenager, I had always imagined my "dream job" would be a manuscript reader.

Then college days arrived and I found that, while reading is a relaxing passion, math and probabilities are the excitement that I needed for a career.

Thirty years ago my second grade teacher was trying to convince me that trips to the school library was not a bad thing to have to do each week. Then she explained to me why. Every time I pick up a book I can go anywhere that book takes me. Whether is in the middle of a crime scene, or the life story of Clinton (sorry, I couldn't make it through that one), or the arms of a seventeenth century pirate. I can go there with a book.

I am truly thankful that you posted this, your opinion. As you said, too much of our lives have become abbreviated.

Answer 3

I'll forego the latter challenge for the sheer novelty of the question. Yes I quite agree with you on the nature and quality of what's found here.
Personally I never laid claim to being at the top of anything so it's a moot point with me. I must, however, agree with you. The written word is still quite valuable. I believe it was Shakespeare who said: " The play's the thing. "

" Let's write a movie. " It still holds irrespective of the advancement of C.G.I. or the improvements on the latest Panavision camera. Talent and Directors still pull the crowds in but without that blueprint called a story ... well ....

I guess the publishing field is hurting just a bit for the next bestseller, no doubt? Challenges are something that pop up often and are treating in much the same as buzzwords.

Basic skill, and a dash of common decency and mutual respect remain the foundation of anything. Query letters? Stories?

I don't much like the old Roman military approach of spreading yourself out too thin.

I tried that once in commercial art. Too much of that ' Don't call us, we'll call you " approach. Then they act like they're doing YOU a favor. My feeling is, when you've got something worth a look it's like what Anthony Hopkins tells Antonio Banderas in ' The Mask Of Zorro '.

" When the pupil is ready ... the master will appear. "

Answer 4

02-25-07

Bardsandsages Smith, Publisher
Bardsandsages Publications
104 Yahoo Answers Blvd., YA 55555

Dear Ms. Bardsandsages,

Enclosed is a disposable copy of my short story, "Run Baby Run," for publishing consideration.

The story originated in a dream I had as a teenager. It is the tale of two bothers one living at home with a severely abusive father and the other returning home from the militantly after a dishonorable discharge which he has kept secret from his family.

This work is also available by e-mail or on compact disk in either Microsoft Word 2003 or ASCII format to assist in publishing. An SASE is enclosed for your convenience.

My publishing credits include:
"A Story," Umbrella Stories, Aug. 2005 [Electronic Version] http://www.umbrellastories.com/umbrella.html.
"B Story," Umbrella Stories, Aug. 2003 [Electronic Version] http://www.umbrellastories.com/umbrella.html.

I thank you in advance for the time and effort you expend considering my work.

Cordially,

Ralf

Answer 5

1.At the time she went into labor, the mother of the twins was traveling by boat. The older twin, Terry, was born first early on March 1st. The boat then crossed the International Date line (or any time zone line) and Kerry, the younger twin, was born on February the 28th. In a leap year the younger twin celebrates her birthday two days before her older brother. 2. The poison in the punch came from the ice cubes. When the man drank the punch the ice was fully frozen. Gradually it melted, poisoning the punch. 3. They were two of a set of triplets 4. The man had hiccups and the gun scared them out of the man.

Answer 6

I never claim to be top of my class. I don't care if someone likes my poetry or not.
it's MY heart. And no one can tell me MY heart is wrong.

You want a poem? It's published already, but I'll share it with you.
Dear Mom,
On the day I was born, you loved me unconditionally.
When I fell and scraped my knee, you hugged and kissed me.
When i got pushed shoved; and said i couldn't take it anymore!
You were the one who showed me there was so much instore.
When I cried and and hid from the world, because some boy broke my heart.
You would find me and tell me NOT to fall apart.
You have done so much for me already; and now today is your day to shine.
Just remember, I will always be yours, and you will always be mine.
Please mom, don't stop being the GREAT woman you are.
Because in my eyes, you are the BEST mom; by far.

Answer 7

I'm a really good writer. And, I want to submit my story to you guys. I'd really appreciate the chance for you to read my story.

Tell me if you like it. I hope you guys will publish it. How much do you think I can get paid?

Thanks.

Answer 8

If you grant the winner of this a guaranteed look at the manuscript, then I'm in.

Answer 9

There's a new culture on the rise. To the dismay of many, myself included, it's a culture of illiterate. This is my generation. It is a generation of politically apathetic, of historically unaware, socially inept, and chronically apathetic. I won't be one of the apathetic, and I will not stand blithely by as many members of society accept this degradation of standards continues. You seem to be one of the few who agree with this necessity for change. Those who want change must be, as Mahatma Ghandi said, “the change we wish to see in the world.” We must fight for what is good and pure. The language of Shakespeare, Marlowe, Donne, Elliott, Carver, King, upon countless others, must be preserved. It is up to us to influence change. I wish you the best of luck with your endevours.

Answer 10

I do not have to, so I will pass the offer.
By the way, I'm a poet.

You may email me. If you know how, you can.