Is it over?

Question

I am a 35 year old mother of 2 and a wife for 10 years. Aside from the nightmares my mother-in-law, his ex and his family has put me / us through, life has been fine. We love each other, we have fun together, great intimacy and all of the above. However, last year my MIL became ill and was hospitalized... this cause a huge change in my husband as I suspected it would since my MIL has never been much of a mother let alone a MIL or a grandmother. She was always an indifferent, empty, and in her own little way vindictive. I was prepared to help him emotionally with the void his mother would leave behind. My MIL has since passed away, my husband finds fault with me at least once a week. Once a week I do something wrong, he's mad at me, I just fault short of his expectations. As a result we go days in silence. We made it an entire year with his mood swings and now with the new year upon us we have started this year the same. How long before enough is enough. I'm very sad; ALWAYS

Answer 1

It is really really really time for counseling. You have a sudden change and a variable that might account for it. That's a good place to start.

Answer 2

You sound like a wonderful and supportive wife. Good for you for hanging in there despite all the stuff you've had to endure. Your husband sounds like he wasn't given the right "tools in his toolbox" to handle relationships very well because his own relationship in his family was dysfunctional. You have been a healthy example of what a good and loving relationship should be like. I'd hang in there if you can, but I would seek counseling, either just you or both of you (if he will go). A counselor is better at understanding what your husband will need from you and can communicate to him what you need from him. I'd bet you anything that he doesn't want to lose you. I bet he appreciates you but just doesn't know how to show it. He seems to be hurting and taking it out on you because you are "safe". You stand by him through thick and thin and he knows he can take his frustrations out on you because you will stand by him. He shouldn't be doing that, but he may not know how to act any other way - especially now that he has lost his mother. Grief does a profound thing to people. I lost both my parents and a brother within 8 months of each other 2 years ago. It was horrible. Please don't give up on your marriage without trying to get the perspective of a counselor. There are many free resources out there is you can't afford counseling. Divorce is very painful and shouldn't be done lightly. Counselors are impartial, and are trained to know how to help. I would encourage you to seek help from a counselor. By the way - your mother-in-law sounds like my ex-mother-in-law (I am living proof of what a dysfunctional mother-son relationship can do to a marriage, as I am now divorced). Hang in there and best wishes. You sound like a saint!

Answer 3

Your husband is grieving but he is taking out his anger and frustration on you. That is not okay. He needs to seek counseling. It might not hurt for you both to get marital counseling or go to a marriage retreat either. It might help heal the wounds you have acquired as a couple. I don't think it's over. It's never over if two people love each other and both are willing to do what it takes to get things back on track. However, it does take BOTH parties to make it work. If you talk to him and tell him how you feel, but also tell him you really love him and want for this to work, he should be agreeable to some counseling. Good luck and I truly hope it works out for both of you.

Answer 4

I don't think anyone can tell you if it's over or not from what you have here, but I can tell you that it sounds like your husband is depressed.

I get the impression that he was going through the mourning process with his mother, and got stuck in depression. Since it's gone on so long, it is more than just grief at this point.

Counseling can help. If he won't go alone, it can be worthwhile to go together. If he won't go at all, you deserve some support, so get some help yourself.

Answer 5

This is actually quite common. When a husband's parent passes away, men tend to implode and re-evaluate their lives. Men are not emotional creature and have been taught to hold things in causing stress, anxiaty that puts horrible strain in their relationships.

Try some self help books for you (and him!) to help cope. If you can, go to counselling. Many marriages end after the passing of a parent.

Good luck

Answer 6

I would encourage you to not give up. All marriages have their rough spots and part of the reason the divorce rate is to high is because of people's perfectionistic demands.

My advice is to try to communicate more and go to marriage counseling---it can only help to get the two of you sharing feelings and talking about what you need to resolve your issues. Have patience and whatever you do don't give up :). There's always hope. I've heard it said that love isn't a feeling; it's an act. By this I mean it's an act of commitment, not a transient feeling. I wish you the very best and encourage you to seek counseling :).

Answer 7

Consider that your husband is grieving....still...but it is not resolving. While grieft is necessary for a time...if it is over one year...he may need grief counseling. Often grief is seen as anger to others. He sounds angry and blaming...

While men often laugh at counseling, he sounds like he needs it. Express your thoughts calmly to him, write down in advance particular events that continue to disturb you. Be very calm and loving when you approach him.

This problem sounds fixable but only with counseling. Contact someone that specializes in grief. Good luck. By the way, you sound depressed. But what your going through would make me depressed too. There is hope though. Don't give up...just recognize it is time to do another strategy.

Answer 8

It sounds as if a good long talk with your husband is in store. Your husband may still be dealing with grief, as men show grief a lot differently than women do. He may not even acknowledge or recognize his feelings either. Talk to your pastor or doctor about it, and have him talk to someone besides you if he needs to. What happened to your husband's first marriage? How long did it last? Is he repeating the same mistakes? Your local health department may offer marriage counseling at reduced/pro rated fees if you cannot afford a private counsellor. But talking is always important. Good luck and God Bless.

Answer 9

He probably doesn't have issues w/ you. The real problem lies with his relationship he had w/ his mother. First be patient and don't take it personally he is lashing out on you because you are the closest one to him. This is very very common. Get a third party involved. He will be resistant more than likely as most men are. They have the personna that only a weak man can't handle his own self. Good Luck.

Answer 10

From the sound of what you wrote, appears as if your husband began displaying anger towards you only after the death of his mother? If this is the case, then I would say he is suffering with feelings of guilt regarding his vindictive, controlling mother. She seems to continue to be able to control him even from her grave. He is taking out his guilt on you, being that the bad relationship you had with his mother has made you the focus of his resentment towards you. You must get him to open up and talk about what he is feeling. I do hope he seeks help in getting over the guilt he is feeling or I am afraid his anger towards you will cause your marriage to fail. All you can do is help him through this and hope you two can find ways to resolve this. Best of luck to you both.

Answer 11

Been there.

Two suggestions. Counseling. It's not the answer, but it helps explain the problem. You can't shortcut grieving. We all do it in our own way.

and

Read "On Death and Dying" by Elisabeth Kubler-Ross. It discusses the grief cycles, why they happen, and what to expect. Try to get your husband to read it too. If he will, and does, then you can talk to him about how he is dealing with her death and what it's doing to his/your family.

Your husbands grieving process is not abnormal, nor is your reaction.

Good luck. Read the book. Unfortunately this will happen again when someone else close dies. But at least you'll be better able to cope.