It is for a religious reason. We have been engaged since christmas and living together since November. We are moving into an apartment next week and not his mother is having a fit over living together before marriage. It's a little too late to go back on the new apartment. She wants us to go through counseling cause she got divorced and wants the best for us.She'll pay for it. She is asking me to move up the wedding so she can be comfortable with her baby(29) living with a girl. Any advice on how I can get her to be more comfortable with the situation.
2007-02-15 06:16:19 · 14 answers · asked by poof10958 4 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
You can't. These are her beliefs and there isn't too much you can do to change them.
You may want to take her up on the premarital counseling. At least that would show that you both really want to do anything possible to make your marriage a success. There is nothing wrong with premarital counseling. It is a good way to get to know how to better approach marriage issues and whatnot.
2007-02-15 06:21:12 · answer #1 · answered by kalea_kane 6 · 2⤊ 0⤋
Bottom line...... if you cave into her demands at this point you will set the tone forever and always have to deal with it.
Your husband has to deal with this. He decided to get engaged as well so he needs to be a man and tell her to back off. She is inserting a black cloud over the two of you with this whole you may get divorced without counseling thing. Just because things didn't work out for her she is thinking the same may happen to you two. What? She doesn't trust her son to be the son she raised him to be? No...... she is aiming this all at you at some level.
You are both old enough to do as you wish. Sometimes it takes a mother a bit to realize that she is no longer in the power position and your fiance needs to make this clear. He needs to tell her that this is how it is, that he loves her but that you are the women he loves and that he will never countenance anything that gives you as his future wife any distress. This should show her how much he cares. Then she will begin to come around.
If he can't do this I would start to wonder. Changing the wedding date? Well you will again deal with her always.
2007-02-15 14:43:39 · answer #2 · answered by jackson 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
The key word here is FAMILY. This will soon be your family,too, so I don't understand why you want to get started on a negative footing. As for the premarital counselling, take her up on the offer. It is crazy how people will take a course on dog training when they commit to owning a pet, or a course on auto maintenance of they buy a car and yet they don't consider a lifetime commitment as important! Doesn't matter if it is based on faith or finances or customs, premarital counselling is a good idea if you truly want to have a lifetime marriage. If you're scared to have an impartial person ask you tough questions or give you imoprtant things to consider, then you aren't ready for marriage - and then you definitely should not be moving in together. You are flaunting the fact that you're sex-buddies to his family by getting an apartment together. As for signing the apartment lease - hey, I did that just before I got engaged and then moved back home with my parents. My roomie just got another roomie. Your fiance can share the apartment with another guy to save costs or you can share it with another girl, maybe your matron of honour to help plan the wedding. Why don't you relax a bit and think about the future instead of instant gratification. Time goes by very quickly when you're planning a wedding. Sure, it's handy if you start feeling frisky to just head to the bedroom but is that the only thing your relationship is based on? You said yourself that his mom just wants the very best for you BOTH. She can become your worst nightmare if you have problems in future OR she can become your best friend and a second loving mom for comfort. Your honeybun is crazy about you and he will agree with anything you say so it is up to you to take the lead here. Be a grownup. Tell him you hate to be away from him for a second but you want to be his wife FOREVER and you want your children to be loved 100% with good terms with grandma. Tell him you've thought about it and think maybe you should spend your time planning your MARRIAGE instead of quibbling about who took the garbage out. I am willing to bet that if you took this opportunity to be an intelligent, agreeable, loving person, his rrespect for you will grow enormously and his family will embrace you forever!
2007-02-15 14:32:29 · answer #3 · answered by Wifeforlife 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Yes.....try to accomodate her wishes as much as possible. What's the problem with rushing the wedding or getting counseling? Neither are bad things....
She sounds like a strong-willed woman, and if you are having trouble with her now, in a couple of years you'll be on here posting in the "newborn" section that you don't want to have anything to do with her because of this, that or the other reason.
She's basically saying that if you're living together already, you've already blown the big "white wedding" idea.....so why not be/get married already?
2007-02-15 14:24:43 · answer #4 · answered by salemgirl1972 4 · 2⤊ 0⤋
You cannot get her to be more comfortable with this. This is her conviction. Granted her son is 29 years old, but that is besides the point. If you are going to marry this man and get off on the right foot with his family. (Extended family is very important in marriages especially if you decide to have children) you should respect her point of view. I'm not saying to move out, just don't try to force it down her throat.
2007-02-15 14:24:33 · answer #5 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
State the fact that this is your time... And that you will be fine! Life is about experiences and you both plan to wed so the living arrangements are already in place befored hand & will remain as is.
Let me tell you this. If you 2 do not figure out how to run your own lives, then you are giving your future mother-in-law a one way ticket to do it for you! And she will! Who cares if you hurt her feelings, she will get over it! But if you allow her to rule your lives, be prepared for the fights & hateful words to follow shortly after the wedding!
You have a chance to take charge now! If not, later will be too late...
2007-02-15 14:24:25 · answer #6 · answered by T. 6 · 0⤊ 2⤋
Dear, I see MAJOR mother in law problems for you in the future unless you handle this now! Your fiance is 29 years old...he should be a man..not a child! He has to sit down with his mother...and tell her the facts of life. He is a man..and he is going to live the way he chooses. If he is unable to do so..then I would run..not walk to the nearest exit...You need to marry a man..not a Mama's Boy...
2007-02-15 14:25:29 · answer #7 · answered by HENRY M 2 · 1⤊ 1⤋
Tell your fiance, that you are marrying her, not her mom. Counseling is a good idea, let her spend her money. But the mom involved that much into your relationship leaves a lot of room for problems. Is her mom re-married? Maybe thats a sign.
2007-02-15 14:25:10 · answer #8 · answered by Carolyn C 2 · 1⤊ 1⤋
Humor her. Go to the counseling. You might learn something. You are going to have to deal with this woman for a long time to come.
2007-02-15 14:23:14 · answer #9 · answered by Anonymous · 2⤊ 0⤋
Let me see -- she sees a GIRL (your words) giving up the good for free to her BABY and she is worried about weather you two are on a serious path based on her age and experiences.
I think you should tell her how much you admire her good judgment.
2007-02-15 14:24:57 · answer #10 · answered by Anonymous · 2⤊ 0⤋