Wow, with a headline like that, I don't need to skewer myself any further, do I?
Fictional names: Elizabeth (23-year-old undergrad, yours truly), Mike (38-year-old army officer stationed on a base near a large state school), and Marisa (Mike's 35-year-old wife).
Further info: I'm writing a short story about a guy whom I am choosing to NOT BE PHYSICAL WITH. I would like the opinions of anyone out there who's had a similar experience (as any of the characters).
The difficult part is that he is currently married to a foreign woman (get this line, wait for it) who will get deported if he divorces her. There are no children (the couple's been legally married for 7 years), and I found out (first through other women who knew the wife, then from Mike's male boss, then corroborated by Mike himself) that Marisa has cheated on him several times. He definitely wants an "intellectual" relationship with Elizabeth for now and tries to limit any discussions of sexuality to a later time.
2007-02-15 05:09:45 · 21 answers · asked by Dante 2 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
Wow, thanks for the influx of advice. I'm looking more for personal stories (thank you guys, I've seen some on here).
Just to give some of you a bit better understanding, I am happily engaged and the details of the story are very close to the real thing (names changed obviously). "Mike" knows I am engaged and has spoken with me about my engagement. I am a child product of divorce and have no desire to wreck a marriage; I've been through that. I put this into the divorce cat. instead of dating, b/c that is what this is all about. I am not dating Mike and am interested in the situation.
Again, I repeat. I am happily engaged and too young for a marriage in my immediate future. Mike has made no physical move on me, and I am accepting none. We met purely as friends through work and I am trying to extricate myself from the real-life situation and create it in the literary one. I also do not trust Mike nor believe his sob story is the only side. More answers appreciated.
2007-02-15 05:30:33 · update #1
Ok I understand now, You have a relationship of your own and you met a male friend. No sex no breaking up his marrage is involved.
But, your so called friend is telling you all about his ill failed marrage and all thats wrong and your not buying into the poor pitiful me thing.
First of all she wouldnt be deported, I didnt fall for that one either. The things cheating married men/women will say about their partners.
Hes a cheating man that is trying to score sex with you and thats his line.
I met a man many years ago and he used the same lines. I had to laugh I wonder if it was him using the same lines.
I would break this friendship off with him or if your just want to hear what line hes going to throw you next then by all means listen away.
Im glad that you arent a stupid woman. OOh the tangle web we weave.
2007-02-21 22:08:54 · answer #1 · answered by lovie12346 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
First and foremost in authoring is to have your facts at least CLOSE to what would happen in real life. The part about being deported would be a big problem. Once youre a citizen, even by marriage, Im pretty sure you stay one and wont be deported for divorce.
As for dating an older married man, I haven't exactly done that. There was one who fit that description but I refused any advances from him, first because I was MUCH too young(we're talking 25 years or so with me still being a teenager), second just because he grossed me out. I babysit their kids and I think THAT was teh turn-on for him.
Another one was about 20 years older but recently divorced. We split when he decided to try and have a relationship again with his ex-wife, they had 2 lovely boys together, and I wished him well. He was a nice guy unless he was drinking. Then, even after only the 3 or 4 months we were together there were BIG warning signs beginnign to show.
2007-02-15 05:21:12 · answer #2 · answered by Betsy 7 · 1⤊ 0⤋
The right thing on Mike's part would be to divorce the wife...deportation or not. However, if that is not an option Elizabeth needs to get the heck out. If he's not interested in ending the marriage, then he's not very available. Even if the wife has been fooling around. If she can find boyfriends, she can find another way to stay in country. The right thing, is to make him choose...and then go from there.
2007-02-15 05:20:11 · answer #3 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
Sounds as though you already know the right, and wrong of this so I don't know why you are still considering it. First of all he is married, no matter what conditions you chose to attach to it you should have nothing to do with this guy till he is legally divorced. Secondly it is just morally wrong, on top of that he is in the military. I am unclear from your question as to whether, or not you are also in the military. If you are in the military, surely you have heard of what they call fraternization. The military takes fraternization pretty seriously, and he could get in a good deal of trouble for dating someone that he is authority over. Even if you are not in the military, they also take a very dim view of people having affairs. In either case he could get into a great deal of trouble, and if you are in the military you could also land your self in trouble.
2007-02-15 05:26:53 · answer #4 · answered by p_doell 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Elizabeth I am a 43 year old woman who recently had an affair with a 50 year old man, who told me a similar line about his wife. The fact that this man is not moving out of the marriage and into a true relationship with you suggests that the story is not quite true. If you continue on with this relationship many people will get hurt, including yourself. It is so much better to find a nice guy, and I have been told they are out there, than to find someone else's nice guy. There are too many strings attached to this one. Cut yours while you can....... intellectual relationships for guys end up in sex, and for women they end up in broken hearts. If you did not have doubts yourself you would not have tried to justify it by saying his wife had affairs. If this truely bothered him or if it was true he would not stay. If it is true, what kind of a man stays in that kind of a relationship? Get out while your heart is still in one peice.
2007-02-15 05:26:33 · answer #5 · answered by ml b 1 · 1⤊ 0⤋
If you want info on writing a story then whats the use of being the author? To give you my answer, leave Mike alone, Marisa is not complaining either so why are you playing Jesus? You are sending the guy mixed signals, and yes, he will tell, yu he is not seeing them but he is.
2007-02-22 00:01:58 · answer #6 · answered by BujuB 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
This may be all fiction, or it may be just you, but in anycase.......
Just as general rule, hon, don't date married guys... the lady he uses to get out of his marriage is the "bridge" and she never ends up with him...... a word to the wise.
And further, you are wasting valuable time in finding an appropriate mate, if your ultimate goal is marriage, and I am assuming wishing a happy one, not one build on someone else's misery... Those just don't work out well. If you wish a happy life in a nice marriage, don't try to start it on a miserable note of deceit, and fraud.... betrayal of his wife..... It won't work...
Make a list of the things you find important in a prospective husband... mine included:
No children
Non-smoker
Like religion, politics, background and race.
And of course, not married to someone else.... in fact, single or divorced at least a year, and maybe a relationship already over....
2007-02-15 05:22:21 · answer #7 · answered by April 6 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Wow, that's a real believeable excuse for not getting divorced! Bet you bought it! If he's done with her, then why would he care what happens to her after the divorce???? Don't know why you would want to mix yourself up in a situation like this??? Tell him when he's free to call you. Why should he get even companionship from you till he is free????? He needs to sh it or get off the pot!!
2007-02-15 05:15:19 · answer #8 · answered by wish I were 6 · 2⤊ 0⤋
A sexual relationship is out of the question. However fake or real their vows may be you should respect. Karma baby. Besides you wouldn't want to get caught up in a complicated situation like that.
2007-02-15 05:19:05 · answer #9 · answered by lalaland 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
properly Im 16 and that i used to love my neighbor who's 24 and that i grow to be 15 almost 16 on the time yet i dont imagine he loved me ha. i in my view wouldnt prefer to date someone who's 35 if i grow to be 18 yet I advise regardless of you imagine you need to do. in case you fairly like him then I say you need to date him. Age is only a spread :)
2016-12-04 05:22:45 · answer #10 · answered by ? 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋