Hi
I have a brother that is 30yrs old and has apsolutley nothing in his life! He is the partying, dont care about any one but himself type! Well he has lived with my grandmother his whole life and never had one bill! He is a drug addict and drinks alot! My grandmother is now in a home and my family is selling the house! Now he wants to move in with my mother to use her to! My mom doesnt have much but what she does have i dont want him to ruin it for her! I have a great life with my own family now and he has helped me in the past but also got me in alot of trouble! He called me last night to see if i would come pic him up in another state to move him in with my mom! Should i help him! He only calls when he needs something! Im scared when he moves up here he will be calling me all the time to go out! I dont want to feel responsible for a grown man! he has apsolutly nothing but his clothes... he has kids but doesnt pay childsupport! he doesnt even have a job! HELP ME decide
2007-02-15 05:06:04 · 12 answers · asked by hellokitty 2 in Family & Relationships ➔ Other - Family & Relationships
No, don't get him and tell him straight up it is time for him to grow up and be on his own and you will not longer be a party to enabling him to be irresponsible.
If he is anything like my brother, he will do whatever will require the least amount of effort and if you make coming back to your State and effort, he will likely find someone where he is at (usually and sadly, a lonely woman) to take him in an support him.
If he can't, then he will manipulate someone into driving him back ot your State and then hit Mom up for a place to live.
Hopefully you can have a chat with Mom before then and get her on the bandwagon to stop enabling him to continue to be irresponsible as someday when his she is gone, he is going to have to fend for himself and it will be that much hard as he has never had to do it in the past. He is also setting a horrible example for HIS children and if she takes him in, she is a party to that also.
If you don't pick him up and he does come back and end up living at Mom's, you have at least set the boundary that you will not be a party to enabling the irresponsible behavior to continue. Being that moochers are lazy, he is less likely to hit you up after that.
2007-02-15 05:18:59 · answer #1 · answered by bottleblondemama 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
No you should tell him that you love him and you will help him to find a job and a place of his own but that he is 30 YEARS OLD!!! and needs to get real ask him who he intends to sponge off when one day your mother isn't there. I have a brother who is a drug addict he is an absolute waste of space has no job and has 5 children that are now in the care of my other brothers and sisters my sister has adopted his daughter and has told him never to come near her door as if he ave a crap about his daughter or his 4 sons he would have done something in the last ten year when people were trying to help him. My dad spent years helping him he used to take him shopping and fill the trolley with food and pay for it because he couldn't give him money because both him and his gf would spend it on drugs then one day he took them home with the shopping went home and had forgotten something when he got back to there house the kids were alone and they had gone out the food wasnt in the house as he had gone out to sell it. He beat him up and down the street and washed his hands of him and just made sure the kids were okay. Tell your bro h needs to sort it out before he ends up like my *** hole of a bro.
2007-02-15 05:18:35 · answer #2 · answered by kazz06 4 · 1⤊ 0⤋
the problem with irresponsible people is that bailing them out doesn't help them. They just continue to be irresponsible. If you can tell that they are trying their best, and are still having trouble, then you should help them, but if they don't care, and aren't trying, then no don't. You can't help everyone. And sometimes when there's someone helping out all the time, they think they don't have to do anything. As far as I am concerned I try my hardest and try to avoid asking for any help and I do everything I can and still need help. That's the kind of person you help. But if they aren't doing at least something. Is he trying to do anything to earn money? save money? - it isn't all about money - is he doing anything to quit drinking/drugs? change himeself? is there anything he has a passion about?
But honestly a lot of this is up to your Mom. It's her house and she makes the decision. If you Mom is asking you to help - then do it for her, not for him.
clear as mud?
it's called enabling in the AA world, where people keep an addict in trouble by helping them and keeping them from hitting BOTTOM which is where they need to hit before they quit. Everyone has to reach a point where their addiction is causing so much pain that they have to stop. It's a hard thing for everyone. I worked with drug addicts for 2-3 years - my dad was an alcoholic (he quit, thank God)
I don't think you should sever relations, but you have to be careful. If he is doing drugs, he's not in his right mind. The #1 thing we did in the drug abuse program I worked in was try to get that person out of the circle of friends that they are in, because those people always pull them back into trouble, so the first thing they asked a new person to do was to cut ties with all those people they know that are doing drugs. If he's willing to do that, then yes, help him. If no, don't. Use that as the criteria. He needs a new social circle. He's just doing this to be a part or whatever. Drugs are just a way of covering up pain - but the pain is still there and still has to be dealt with. He sounds like he just wants to run away. But it isn't working.
2007-02-15 05:18:27 · answer #3 · answered by art_flood 4 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Sounds like my sister.
I am sorry to say this but it is not his fault. It is your family's fault for letting him roam and doing anything I wanted all these years with NO consequences.
He is 30 years old and instead of working and supporting himself and his children he is a parasite to you and your family.
Show him some tough love. Do not make things easier on him ANYMORE! He has stepped on your empathy and gentle heart for too long. Its time for your brother to grow up and take some responsibilities.
Life is not a free ride.
2007-02-15 05:12:41 · answer #4 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
You do not help 30 year old drug addict even if they are related to you. Tell deadbeat there is no free rides and if he does make it that direction and causes your mother one bit of trouble you will turn him into the law faster than his head will spin!
Maybe if he thinks your telling the truth he won't attempt to make
it that direction. After all he needs to keep close to his local pusher.
My gosh girl didn't you ever hear of tough love?
2007-02-15 05:11:48 · answer #5 · answered by Tapestry6 7 · 1⤊ 0⤋
There is a certain point when he needs to realize that he needs to grow up and be a MAN. Instruct both you and your mom to temporarily cut him off from the family. This will force him to become a man. otherwise, when is he going to?
2007-02-15 05:11:00 · answer #6 · answered by mps988 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Time for some tough love.
Give him a ride to the local homeless shelter, and drop him off.
2007-02-15 05:10:40 · answer #7 · answered by wildbill05733 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
The answer is not on yahoo.You should give this alot of thought,including you mom, husband.Really try not to pay attention to the answers on here.Probably not mine either.
2007-02-15 05:21:21 · answer #8 · answered by tom C 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Help him out in getting a job and all...but confront him and tell him that he will not be allowed to live off what your mom has.
2007-02-15 05:11:40 · answer #9 · answered by Hummingbird 1 · 0⤊ 1⤋
Wow if you care about him its hard to not help if your mom is going to let him move in anyways you might as well help
2007-02-15 05:11:17 · answer #10 · answered by delmonticoman 5 · 0⤊ 1⤋