My wife has been cheating on me with a financially generous old flame for emotional fulfillment. I am there for her emotionally and lay it down in the bedroom but I guess you can only love one person at a time and it wasn't me. She feels horrible, we want to put our family back together but she is hesitant. She says she is confused on whether to start her career or work on the marriage. She also doubts my loyalty even though I have not cheated on her she thinks I only want her to come back to punish or mistreat her and I have been nothing but understanding and supportive. I think she only gave some thought to the issue because she needs to stay married to me to keep her US visa. If she does not need me for her visa I think she wants to start a new life with this other guy who spoils her rotten. I am a good provider but I think she is a gold-digger. She his it when we were dating by secretly getting money and saving it in a secret account. Ladies, what are your thoughts?
2007-02-15 05:04:10 · 14 answers · asked by Magnus01 3 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
She says that I could not possibly care about her because even after buying her ticket to go be with that guy I only gave her enough to kake the trip. She felt like I should have laced her with a couple of hundred just in case of emergency but I think she has money in reserve. I found out before that she had over $4,000 in cash in a secret account but was playing broke always asking me to send her some money. Then she swore that she spent it but I find out she has got another guy sending her $500 a month and is carrying on a relationship with him. She thinks I left her out there to fend for herself when she is going to her rich boyfriends house. Now she wants me to reassure her I am going to treat her right because in her mind she thinks it's a trick but I am asking.. "What else do you want for me!?" I bought you a winter jacket and boots for the cold climate in his city. I got her hair done (because we had the appointment already) and I asked if she needed anything else.
2007-02-15 05:09:31 · update #1
She is more concerned with her career and pocket money than really mending our relationship. I am ready to give up but that means she gets deported and I am done with her. I don't want to use that as a threat but thats real. I have bent over backward. What else could I be expected to do? My family says cut her off and let her starve but she has my son so I don't want to hurt her because it would hurt him also. If she is homeless so is he.. Any advice ladies on holding it together or is it too far gone?
2007-02-15 05:12:35 · update #2
I admit that he may be financially "stronger" than I am (in my 20's and make $60K a year but with child support, he is in his 60's and makes about $70K a year with no responsibilities and grown kids) I still think it is wrong for her to go with him because he has more (available) money. I wouldn't leave her for a more beautiful woman and just expect her to "understand". I do not live with my family. We have our own place 62 miles away and I hardly ever talk to them. It was just the three of us but she got frustrated because she couldn't do Mary Kay, Avon and MAC cosmetics every five minutes and no $200 hair styles every money and we had to live on a budget. She said that she felt like she was drowning. Because we have to live on a budget. Who doesent?? She never lived like that before (that I knew of because she is from a poor country) but she gets here and wants to live like a moviestar. I said it comes in time & especially with a job so she she can buy her own stuff.
2007-02-15 05:51:40 · update #3
Excerpt from an e-mail she sent: Baby, I am REALLY sorry for comparing you to ****. For throwing it in your face how good he treated me or how much money he got/has. That was not a good gesture and pretty insenstive on my part and for that I apologize. I appreciate all of the times you have forgiven me even when I didnt deserve it. YOU have done so MUCH for me, so much so I will always be grateful. It hurts me even to have to need time to actually choose between a job and our marriage, I am sure it hurts you too- I am just being honest with who I am and what I can for us and our marriage. You asked, what more do I want from you? That you treat me nice, etc... You have a good heart and I KNOW in my heart of hearts that you are a good person, and are doing ALL of your best to provide, love and take care of all of us. Isnt that enough? You ask...
Well it is nice but I dont want to set any limitations to how far we can go. Truth is you have a pretty good job, but it's not enough for me...
2007-02-15 06:33:42 · update #4
You sound like a good guy who is being taken advantage of, big time. It's one thing to take back a cheating spouse because you both want to make things work or even wanting to stay togeather for the kids.(you didn't mention if children were involved, for your sake hopefully not)
If what you said is true then i would say she's just trying to stay married to you to stay in the country. If i were in you place i'd tell her to get one of her rich boyfriends to help her stay here, give her $20 bucks for a cab and tell her to hit the road.
I'm sure you're not perfect but it sounds like you've simply done all you can (and then some...) and for your own good you just need to wash your hands of her and get on with your own life.
Good luck, hope everything works out for you
P.S. Just saw your extra info: As for your son you need to step up and get custody of him. You're a citizen & so is he, let her worry about herself. (If she's running around with these guys she obviously isn't too worried about him anyway) You're son will learn to adjust, children are good at that. Besides, do you really want him to have her as an example of moral conduct?
2007-02-15 05:17:03 · answer #1 · answered by Kimberly P 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Wake up this relationship is over. File for custody of the child and get a divorce. She is trying to make this about you and your faults for not meeting her needs instead of about love which is the only thing truly important in a marriage. There is no real love here. Just because she is homeless doesn't mean the kid is, the kid always has a place with you. Besides if she is really getting that kind of money on a regular basis from another guy I don't think you have to worry about her being homeless.
2007-02-15 05:19:02 · answer #2 · answered by rkrell 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Are you sure that you have given her due importance in life?
She married you. Came to an alien country. She is in an environment where she is all insecure. This leads to a behaviour where people start to stash up cash for probable disasters.
It seems like that in this situation you and your family has always been counting all the money she is receiving from you as a wife. This would have only lead to more insecurity.
I myself am married. And I trust my wife to spend the money for me. What I earn and what I and she spends is all transparent to us both. This increases confidence. When she married me, she blindly had put her fate in my hands, I value that faith and know that whatever she does with my money she is worth more than that. Even my parents don't trust me that enough to put all their life and matters at my mercy, the way she has done.
Well in your situation, she cheated on you, not because the other guy was financially strong, but maybe because she felt like it will be more secure to be with him rather than being with you.
It is nice of you to think about your child. She is sorry for what she did. And the reason why she is blaming you for having an affair is because you probably have never put it in plain black and white about how much you earn and where you spend your money.
Your child need you both together. The ideal thing for you will be to send her to some relative of hers in US for about a week long trip. While she is gone, move away from your family. Get an independent home. Invite her back before the week is over. Take her to her new home. Have a day off from work, only for her and your child. And have a nice chat with her. Tell her how you want to trust her and tell her how you want her to run this new house of yours.
2007-02-15 05:43:36 · answer #3 · answered by AnSID 3 · 0⤊ 1⤋
My thoughts are... you are being played for a fool and a sucker. She has you thinking husbands send their wives on trips to see other guys, paying for it too. Not only does she have a generous old flame but another man sending her money too. Your her ticket to the Land Of Milk & Honey and that is all you will ever be to her. Let her go back to where ever she came from, we have enough loose women in this country the way it is...of course we call them prostitutes here, not gold-diggers
2007-02-15 05:20:08 · answer #4 · answered by sassywv 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
hate to see families break up but you sound like a great guy and things may work for awhile but she sounds like she's not fully commited to making your marriage work. Lose the girl and let her worry about her Visa - tell her to get the old man to marry her. Seriously sad case but cut your loses while you're ahead
2007-02-15 05:10:40 · answer #5 · answered by T C 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
If you read what you just wrote you should be able to intelligently figure this one out on your own. She's not in love with you nor does she respect you. You need both for a marriage to work. Move on with your life, you deserve happiness, love and respect.
Take Care,
Tori
2007-02-15 05:13:06 · answer #6 · answered by Incognito 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You sound far too good for her! Under normal circumstances I would always recommend working at a marriage (my hubby cheated on me, so I know what it feels like) but in this instance I think you need to move on ... without your wife. Good luck to you x
2007-02-15 05:08:40 · answer #7 · answered by Away With The Fairies 7 · 1⤊ 0⤋
I wouldn't stay with her, sounds like she only wants your money. You are way too good for her. Let her go and move on. Doesn't sound like she will ever be faithful. You deserve someone who will treat you right and be faithful to you. Goodluck.
2007-02-15 05:13:18 · answer #8 · answered by Dolphin 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You should divorce her staying married to somene just so the can keep their visa is fraud and you need to divorce her and let her be deported back to where ever it is she came from.. and thats the bottom line.
2007-02-15 05:13:32 · answer #9 · answered by Mary O 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Dude, what is your question? You already know the answer. Do you have children? If so, think about them because she is not a very good mother.
2007-02-15 05:20:30 · answer #10 · answered by ninapanama 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋