He has two children from a previous marriage, and one from a previous girlfriend. I feel like he gets pulled and pushed by these other women. It causes me a lot of grief, and I am overwhelmed. Is it wrong to consider leaving over this? Or, what are things we can do to make this work?
2007-02-15 04:45:09 · 19 answers · asked by Kimberly H 1 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
I have all kinds of answers, but most begin with "if you knew about this before you got married..." I feel I should clarify: I knew about his former marriage and those kids. He found out about the other about a year ago... and lied until about a month ago. Then, he said he and the mother were making plans to sign the kid over to her pending husband... then he changed his mind and began visitations without my knowledge. Sorry for the lack of info. That's the mini version for you.
2007-02-15 09:52:25 · update #1
When did you know or realise that he had children with these two women? If you did not know that before now, then you have been cheated and have evry reason to get out of it and have a peace of mind.
If you DID know before and still choosed to marry him then you are expecting the impossible. Those are his children and he has not only moral but also legal obligations to look after them.
Its equally not unreasonable for the mothers of those children to demand some sort of assistance in looking after the children, assuming that they are with them. If not, its still not unreasonable for them to make it little bit difficult for him as they probably feel that they should have either custody or more access to THEIR children.
In conclusion, these women are not just women they are mothers of his children and the sooner you realise that the better. It will be only unreasonable if he continues to sleep with them.
All the best!/
2007-02-15 05:03:03 · answer #1 · answered by Ebby 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
The kids will always come first honey. Even the States see it that way.
You entered a relationship knowing of his busy past, and you'll just have to learn to go with the flow or walk away.
It seems the ex's are pulling and pushing, because they probably are. There's nothing you as a person can do about it, because if you did, you'd end up being the "bad person".
Your grief is also coming from the fact that YOU already know the KIDS come first, and by the ex's pushing and pulling, it leaves you less time for your relationship to bloom.
Maybe find a hobby or keep busy with work so it doesn't bother you much if you choose to stay. IF the "man" in your life tries and involves you beyound just being a shoulder to cry on, tell him how it causes you grief and there's not one thing you can do to help, but to listen.
IF you walk away, keep in mind that you have learned a big lesson on what to watch out for in the next relationship.
Good Luck!!
2007-02-15 04:57:21 · answer #2 · answered by peggin_beast 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You knew before you married him that he had children, you just failed to look at the problems and strain it would cause in your marriage. When ever we enter a new relationship we all bring old "baggage" from previous relationships. You should have really considered all of these issues before committing yourself to marriage with this man. Too many people think that being married is supposed to erase all of our past and that we will live happily ever after. If you want your marriage to work then you will first have to take responsibility of the choice you made. This means, accepting this man, past and all. Start being more supportive of him. All he needs is another woman also pulling on his strings. If you do decide to get out of the marriage, then next time be more selective in the man you choose to marry. Best wishes on whatever you do decide.
2007-02-15 04:58:03 · answer #3 · answered by pictureshygirl 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Well there are a lot of details missing.......did you know about the kids when you married him? Did he know ab out the kids? Did he try to hide them from you? Is he paying child support on them? I mean that is all important information but this is my advice assuming that you have always known about the kids and that he does pay his child support. First of all you have to understand that those are his children and whether you like it or not he made them and needs to help take care of them and secondly why would you even consider leaving a man that you love over other kids??? I think that you need to talk to him about this too though. I think that you need to make him understand that he needs to tell these women that unless it is an emergency then they need to not call him. If it is over the kids that is fine but that they can call him only if it is important. I think that the kids however, should be able to call him anytime they want. Just set some boundaries and do NOT leave your husband over his children.....that just isn't even fair!
2007-02-15 04:50:52 · answer #4 · answered by Anonymous · 2⤊ 0⤋
Wow, you act like these kids just poped up out of no where. You knew about all this before you started dating this man, before you had sex with him, before you were engaged and WAY before you were married, why is just NOW starting to bother you?
Oh right, because you are married now..no excuse sweetheart.
You Need to understand that your man has a past with other women. That is going to be the hardest thing you come to terms with. You also need to understand that your man is weak. Yeah, I said it, get over it..
If he can not "control" how these other women are treating him, then he is NOT going to give himself 100% to you. So, you need to sit him down and tell him he needs to put his foot down because by letting his ex's jerk him around, they are controling YOUR FAMILY, YOUR house and in the end YOUR LIFE.
And if your husband is a man at all, he will put an end to it. If he won't, then you need to be a woman and get out of that train wreck (heaven forbid you have any children)
And, as a lesson, NEXT TIME YOU DATE SOMEONE, be ready to accept them for all they have right then and there and DO NOT expect them to change or any other family situation to change..sorry.
2007-02-15 04:57:03 · answer #5 · answered by Pandora 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
i hear this all of the time about ex wives, there is no way to make it work as the kids and ex's are always going to control things, even when the kids grow up they still cause problems. just depends on how much u can take out of them. personally knowing what i know now, and having been in a marriage with step kids, now divorced, i would never even date a man who had children again, just too much trouble. it might work if we were all giving, non judging, just a mother Teressa type, but how many of us aren't in the marriage for our own selves, wanting to better our lives, and our spouses life, and when they have all these other interferences going on all of the time it does tend to take its toll on the marriage after awhile. he probably allows his ex's to control things as she holds the key to the visits, she can always go back to court to ask for more money, just one big headache.
2007-02-15 05:11:47 · answer #6 · answered by jude 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
No, I'd leave as well, or rather, would never have even considered a guy who had such low standards as to have children outside of marriage.... guys do indeed get around more than women, but to produce kids who are so innocent???? uhhhh no. Unless you want this to be this way the rest of your life, admit a mistake, divorce the guy, and find a guy better suited to your standards..... you deserve it. We all do. Let some one else deal with his problems, hon..
Can you make it work?? Doubtful... If you are having problems with all of them now, wait til they all get older ---- and better at giveng you problems......too many others that you have to contend with, especially as all these people get older, and get better at manipulating you.... good luck, hon
2007-02-15 04:53:35 · answer #7 · answered by April 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
As everyone else has said.. you knew he had kids before you got married. How dare you want out now. My husband has 3 kids with his ex wife. She has caused alot of problems for him. It is my job, as it is yours, to stand beside our husbands and support them through whatever they go through with their ex's. If he wants your advice, he'll ask you. Until then, don't worry about him letting his ex's push him around. Let him do whatever works for him. Just support him in whatever he decides. You'll unknowingly make him a stronger person and he'll do whats right in the end.
2007-02-15 05:19:00 · answer #8 · answered by N I K I 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Before you married him you knew his children would come first. You should support him by not adding stress by trying to deter him from his responsibilities. Counselling would be a good idea for you both to lay down some ground rules on how best to cope with this situation.
2007-02-15 04:52:08 · answer #9 · answered by Raven 5 · 2⤊ 0⤋
Well you married him knowing this so why are you upset? This is something you should have though about a long time ago - before marriage, but it sounds like you didn't. You said I do - so stick it out
2007-02-15 04:49:24 · answer #10 · answered by Rosie 4 · 1⤊ 0⤋