I did not always have an easy or very happy childhood (who does!?) now that I am a parent I am feeling much?

Question

the same about family life as I did as a child.. the days can be long, monotonous etc and I put on a happy face mostly for my daughter but inside I often feel almost like running on empty/ground hog day..

I worry that she will pick up on this but at the moment don't know how to escape the memories of how my own childhood went.. both my parents I know felt trapped/depressed and disillusioned with family life too but they slugged it out and devoted their lives to us ungrateful/demanding kids..

I guess now I think that it is written in stone that I will do the same - give my all until I can't give any more and my daughter will then be left feeling the way I did - which was anxious/depressed/unhappy etc

I just want to break the cycle and combine being a parent with also being fulfilled/happy so that I can help my daughter be a confident/secure/loving person without the heart ache it took me and her grandparents to get here.

She is 2 and since she was born I have looked

after her on my own with only help from my parents which at their stage of life makes me feel guilty as they should be getting a rest..

I don't have large support network and as I say feel almost like the rest of my life is written in stone - struggle with money, monotony/putting on brave face and constant worry about my wee girl/parents..

Help

Answer 1

I feel very much like you do sometimes. Parenting is very hard work. It sounds to me like you are struggling with a lot of different issues: earning enough money to support a family, (or stretching the money your husband brings in), finding ways to fill your time , (probably) managing to get housework done (which is very monotonous and time consuming, and gets "undone" faster than you can start all over again). Plus you say you don't have much of a support system.
I feel a lot of that and can totally empathize. I too, felt anxious as a child and insecure, partly because my mom was unhappy but put on a happy face, and partly due to her expectations.
I think you are right to be concerned. Because children do pick up on any negativity or uncertainty you have. In my case, I have a lot of problems with work, and they really pick up on that.

Just do your best. Try to find things you both enjoy. At 2 years old, this might be difficult. When your daughter gets older, she will develop interests of her own, so it will be easier to engage in fun activities with her.
Also, do try to get out with other people, and make a little time just for you. I know this is not easy either. I once joined a Moms group and hated it. It seemed everyone was trying to outdo everyone else and everyone fought a lot. Also, there was constant jealousy and envy with the ones who had better things, bigger houses, etc. And then there were those who bragged about their past "before kids" life, about being an attorney or executive, etc, and how they "gave it all up and couldn't be happier". It seemed like they were very condescending towards those of us who had to work part time. So this was a big mistake. The group just was poison for me, and probably was for everyone else too. The more you are around that negativity and mean-spiritedness, the worse your mood and outlook will be.
Anyway, about support, just try making friends with people either through church, adult education classes, a gym group, anything like that. These are much better choices than "moms groups" because all moms are drastically different and just being a mom doesn't mean you will be like other moms or they will be like you. You might have so many differences you will have a hard time getting along.

I totally understand. I know I haven't been too helpful in what you could do, but just knowing that other people go through this, might help.
You could also see if therapy would help.

Also, once your child gets older, a lot more opportunities will open up for you to get more time to yourself, do things you enjoy, and even start working or finding a daytime job while your daughter is in school.
Good luck!

Answer 2

Been where you're at......the best advice I can offer is "cut yourself some slack." Parenting is different from when we were kids. We could ride our bikes all over without worries of being taken, come in from playing after dark, etc. Now we have to be "on" all the time and it gets to be too much. I still have those days when I just don't want to hear them call "mmmoooommmm, can I? will you? I need......(you get the picture). Just know it's normal and even okay to not feel like parenting is the most fulfilling thing you'll ever do with your life and also know that situations change every day. What seems monotonous now won't always be that way. I know it seems like you'll never have a life of your own, but you will. Just explain your feelings to your child - even at 2.....and keep on telling him/her how you feel inside. It's worked for me and my 12 and 7-year old. That way, they know I'm not supermom and I never will be and they know I'm human - which allows them to be human too and accept their own faults and shortcomings as they grow up. I hope that was a little helpful. Don't set your mommy goals so high that you can't reach them or you'll feel like a failure every time. Give yourself a break and hopefully you'll find little moments of joy each day that become longer with time and help you to go on believing that you're the only parent your child needs and he or she is lucky to have you - faults and all.

Answer 3

Your attitude needs adjusting, and fast! At the moment you've got your martyr cap on, and there's nothing constructive in that at all.
You need to get out of the house asap, with or without your daughter. Choose from mother and toddler groups, playschool groups, any groups at all to start making friends for both of you. It will benefit your daughter to be interacting more with others too. MAKE yourself get involved whether you want to or not.
Get a part time job, solely for the sake of it. Use the money to pay for your daughter to go into child care for the few hours you're working. Even if it costs you to work, I think it's important for you to have something to stimulate you and push you a little bit.
Your parents may not be the best people to look after your little girl, given your reaction to them doing it, and bearing in mind their upbringing of you. I wouldn't want anyone minding my kids who were 'suffering' through it out of duty, thank you very much!
You don't mention a husband/partner in this at all. If there is a significant other in the picture, get a commitment from them that they'll mind the baby for one evening a week, while you GET OUT OF THE HOUSE for a few hours. See what life is like on the outside! Join a gym, go to the library, go for coffee, go to the movies, get your hair/nails done, DO SOMETHING!!!
Don't go through life with this attitude... it's such a waste. Hats off to you for recognising the problem, now take your courage in your two hands and jump in! If you don't, your daughter WILL pick up on it, and will start to feel guilty for no reason, and I'm sure that's the last thing you want. Get out there, it doesn't have to cost a lot, just do it!

Answer 4

i had a miserable childhood, but you need to just get on with life my friend. For three years I had no help as a single mum, and I know how crap it is, but your daughter is your job now, just gotta get on with it. You should try living in a poor country where you would be forced to work or starvr, we are lucky to have the welfare system we have, just crack on, and it will get better. You might wanna go and see your GP about depression too, see if you are suffering from that at all. Most likely you are just lonely and bored, these are things you can do something about. Get a sat job and meet new people, make some friends.

Answer 5

It takes a lot of courage and hard work to shake things up enough to change them. There is no easy answer to your question. The only thing you can do is sit down and decide what you want out of life and find a way to get it. It may take a while to figure it out but little by little you will. You need to decide if you are going to put yourself out there, become vulnerable, take some chances and change things or if you are going to just sit back and let your life play itself out.

The choice is yours, things don't change unless you do something to change them.

Best of luck, my prayers are with you

Answer 6

there is help that you can i get, i totally relate to what you are saying, my childhood was terrible and my life today reflects how i was treated as a child. and it does manifest itself in all sorts of ways and behaviours.

in your case it sounds as though you have post natal depression and you need to speak to your doc and get the help you need.

you do not just need medication, your doc may or may not prescribe this, but i do feel that you need to see a counsellor or psychologist for cognitive behaviour therapy. this has really helped me and it will help you too!

the hardest step right now is picking up that phone to your doc and take the first step in breaking the cycle.... YOU CAN DO IT GIRL!

good luck

Answer 7

Make a date along with your mom and father for a get-mutually take a seat-down talk verbal substitute. tell them approximately your emotions and locate out what your ascertain's motives have been. you may desire to comprehend there are constantly 2 sides to each verbal substitute and being you have been a infant on the time, did no longer look honest. so a strategies as your nieces and nephews flow, they have diverse mom and father. and fogeys do no longer constantly do issues the comparable or enhance little ones the comparable interior the comparable kinfolk. Resentment does not get greater valuable with time, it gets worse. It reasons stress on the physique and the ideas. stress in case you comprehend reasons issues. Get in and get out right this moment and with a bit of luck you will choose your lots mandatory solutions. If no longer, and basically via twist of destiny your mom and father do no longer bear in mind (that's attainable) attempt to go on. in case you have challenge, attempt searching for a counselor to speak to. a greater valuable selection is understanding that now you have the choice to rejoice the Easter holiday the type you p.c. and not the way your mom and father did it with you as a youthful infant. in case you have little ones of your individual, you may provide them an Easter holiday the type you p.c. to offer them. arise along with your individual ideas. i grew to become into raised with celebrating the holiday trips interior the classic way basically such as you. As I have been given older and exceedingly as quickly as I had my very own infant, i desperate to no longer do the commercialized way of celebrating and in trouble-free terms the actual way that's celebrating the start of Jesus. whilst he grew to become into born he did no longer consume chocolate bunnies or jelly beans via fact they did no longer exist back then. the better area of graduating from little ones to adulthood is selecting what you p.c. to do once you p.c. to do it without following a definite custom that all and sundry else is doing. sturdy success!

Answer 8

u must find a therapist who knows EMDR. google it+find out how it works. it helps u find traumas and get over them-even though it is a hard procedure- u find out all the reasons u r the person u are and what has affected u-parents etc-. do try it, has helped me greatly. do it for yr child because she WILL pick up on yr emotions.
http://www.emdr-therapy.com/emdr.html