I need some advice?

Question

My husband and I have been married for 7 years and it has come to my attention that he has been involved in a completely seperate life from the one that i am involved in. My husband seems to think that it is okay to live the single life and still be married. He would like for me to give him more space and let him go out with his friends and party. Party meaning stay out all night drink use drugs and then in the morning i am suppossed to let him back in the house with a smile on my face. i do love him very much and would like to help him kick the habits. He has already been in rehab but he took himself out after 7 days he couldnt be away from the family. the day that he came back he started using again. i know what my head is telling me what to do but my heart is telling me something else i dont know what to do. I know that he could be a completely different person what do i do

Answer 1

Don't keep him around for the person you know he could be. He is not that person. He will not become that person until he is ready to grow up. You will only constantly blame yourself for his failures. You have to let go. It's going to be hard but surround yourself with family and friends.

Answer 2

I think he needs a strong wake up call. He used being away from the kids as an excuse to get out of rehab, maybe he should be told that if he doesn't clean up he will lose them and you which is a possibility. You have to do what is best for you and especially your kids. If you do tell him that you'll take your family and leave him if he doesn't finish rehab and straighten up, you have to be prepared to do just that or else it won't have any impact and if he still doesn't get clean leaving him may be the best thing (though not easy).

I hope things work out for you.

Answer 3

Do you love him enough to save him from himself? Do you love him enough to have him hate you for what you are doing?

Talk to some experts in the field and get some advice on how best to proceed. Some say that the person has to hit bottom before they can ask for help and really mean it. Others suggest an intervention. And it can be possible, in some instances, to commit someone against their will, although it does make treatment more difficult.

See what people suggest. Whatever course you choose, it will not be easy.

How much do you love him?

Answer 4

You can't fix him. Or help him. Just be honest with yourself. Is this the life you want? Is this the example you want to set for your kids. It doesn't matter if you "love" him. It doesn't matter if he's a good person. I was in this situation with my childs father. I finally realized that I didn't want a life with someone who put partying and drugs before myself and my daughter. That's a lonely life. I gave him the choice. I told him that I was unhappy and didn't want to be with a drug addict. I didn't yell or make accusations. I simply put my priorities on the table. He chose to keep partying and I chose to leave. It was the best decision I have ever made. I figured out that I was a strong person and able to make it on my own. My child was happier being in an enviroment that was peaceful. 2 years later, on his own, he did get sober. It was hard work for him, but he had to lose everything before he could see he had a problem. By letting your husband back in the house with a smile on your face, you're not only enabling him to be messed up, your giving him you're blessing. There is no reason for him to change. He's on easy street. At this point, you know what you have to do. Just believe in yourself enough to do it. Make yourself your #1 priority.

Answer 5

You already know what you need to do, you just want reassurance. I lived with an alcoholic who couldn't be trusted for 14 years. He was killed in a car crash a year ago. I know it sounds crass, but my life has completely turned around without him in the picture. I actually enjoy life now. I never realized how miserable my life was, and I always held out hope that he would get better and be the man I married.

No matter what anyone says to you, you have to make this decision on your own.

Answer 6

Oh, hunny, I would not be suprised if he's leading an entirly different life without you. This is a sad situation, it's sounds like you two have groen completely apart. There's a difference between "loving" someone and being In-Love" It sounds like there is love, but as far a an "In-Love" Relationship goes, it's been over for a while. And if he's using drungs, he's no good for you, stand up, be strong, you don't have to stand for you. I know it's hard to think about, becasue he's been your "Norm" for seven years, but it sounds like it's over. Is there kids involeved? You have to do What's best for your family....what would you do if you waled into your kitchen and your kid was sitting there playing with daddy's drugs? You have to be the responsible one - becasue he's already in a relationship with someone ealse - drugs. You and your family comes first girl, you can do this. Good luck, my heart goes out to you.

Answer 7

You are wrong -- he CAN'T be a different person. He refuses to change, and proved it by checking out of rehab. It was not because he missed his family, it is because he missed getting high and partying with friends. I certainly hope you are making him use condoms, because you are at a huge risk, given his lifestyle.

You need to have him committed to a rehab program where he cannot just leave on his own -- you may need his parents' help -- or you need to leave him, or get a restraining order to keep him away from you. Sometimes it takes something drastic like that to change a person. Either he will get the help he needs, or he won't. In either case, you will be safer.

Answer 8

Okay, let's discuss Bill's Law of Relationship Tense.

No, not Bill's Law of Tense Relationships. Separate deal.

Bill's Law of Relationship Tense is that you're in a relationship with who the person PRESENTLY is (see, present tense). You're not in a relationship with who he used to be, or who he could become. This is who you've got right now.

And let's look at what you've got right now: A drug addict who thinks it's okay to declare at-will marital time-outs and go party like it's 1999 (sorry if you hate Prince...you said you were married for 7 years and I did some math).

It's no wonder that you're having a tense relationship (see? there it is!) with the guy he is right now.

You can't love him better.
You can't love him soberer.
You can't fix him.
He does not want to be fixed.
Go from there.

You didn't mention kids, but you did say "couldn't be away from the family." If you do have children, your duty is to them -- especially if he's not fulfilling his. Keep them safe, please. You're the only parent capable of making choices for your family. Make them good ones.

Answer 9

if he was in rehab and took himself back out, then he was not really wanting the help they were trying to provide. the thing about couldn't be away from the family is just an excuse to get out and do more drugs . if he really wanted the help to get off the drugs he would have stayed in the program and taken care of the problem .a drug addict thinks of nothing but how they are going to get their next fix.i am not or ever had been a drug user but i have a son that was and i know from what he was doing all the time that.all he wanted was more drugs. he put himself in a rehab program and has not done any drugs or alcohol in 7 years. the programs do help if the person wants the help.

Answer 10

first of all, you MUST begin to think with your head and not your heart. Your husband is living in a dream world when he feels he has the right to do as he pleases and he is trying to convince you of this. Appears he has come to see you as a weak person whom he can manipulate and take advantage of. Most people who are addictive to any kind of illegal substance find partners who will co-dependant them. This is exactly what he found in you. By you allowing him to get away with this irresponsible behaviour you are enabling him to continue to do the things that are being destructive not only to himself but to the marriage as well. You must give tough love if you ever even wish for a chance in making him commit to the marriage. Stop being the pushover he has come to know in you. You seem to always make excuses for his behaviour, (he took himself out of rehab, he couldn't be away from the family), (I know he could be a different person).
You have to really question yourself if this is the type of treatment you are willing to accept. And also, you have to consider how this would affect any children you two might have. Stop enabling him or you are headed for a life of disappointment and heartache. Good luck to you!