Wife cheated on me a year ago, is it wrong to want to get her back?

Question

My wife cheated on my about a year ago, ironically just before valentines day. I've been struggling on and off with it since I found out about 7 months ago. We have a house and a child and we both love each other enough to have decided to work things out, but I can't help but feel like I'm settling for unhappiness. I feel unfulfilled and lonely, there is still a lack of affection (mostly on my part). I keep feeling like if I were to seek revenge, by hooking up with someone, that I'll feel better about having been cheated on myself. We've been married for 7 years, and it's not like I've never wanted to, I just never acted on it and after she cheated on me I feel that I really want to hook up with someone, maybe once or maybe a few times. Am I wrong for feeling this way? If I am, how else do I cope with things? If I am justified, why does it seem so hard to find a woman who would understand my situation and want to have a little fun, for my benifit? Jeez, I must be crazy.

Answer 1

No, hon, you don't need revenge, but let me help you with this....

Marriage is respect, admiration passion, and trust,---the real biggies in marriage--- and she betrayed your trust, with passion with someone else.... right now, and for the last 7 months, you have no admiration nor respect for her..... so, sweetie, the four biggies ---your marriage --- are in the toilet.

I'm assuming that both of you wish to save it. You have every right to be angry, hurt, and resentful..... betrayal is really the only deal-buster in marriage, and if you and she do not get into counseling, you are lost....Even with counseling, it will be two years before any of your feelings for her return, and that is no guarantee, as any counselor will tell you... If you do not get into counseling, this will just grind on you and grind on you until it is all you see when you look at her, and then, hon, it is for sure over.... Can you forgive her? Maybe. Will you ever forget... hell no. So don't think that by you yourself having an affair will even things out.... it won't, and you may as well kiss it all good-bye.

Marriage is all of those things mentioned above, plus kindnesses, sweet silly things in one's lunch or baggage if one goes away on a business trip. It is as well sharing, and spending time together, as well as time alone, and enjoying hobbies alone. And sometimes the best any of us can do is just shut the hell up.... But included in all of this is communication, and solving problems without rage and resentment. It is learning to let your feelings be known without doing so in an adversarial stance... (" I feel, ..... I need...... " Rather than, " You are such a jerk when you..... Why did you do that? Are you trying to be stupid?........)

In counseling, you will learn how to do that, (communication without rage and resentment..... )and sweetie, it is the best $$ you will ever spend if you wish to try to save your marriage....

Get over the idea of revenge.... And if in no way you and she are willing to try to save it, don't waste your time.... end your marriage, and get on with your life.... Betrayal is indeed a big deal... and you need a big fix if you wish to go on.....

Answer 2

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Answer 3

Hello, you are in a very difficult position. I was cheated on as well and the feelings that you have are very normal. What I have found in going through a mate that had an affair is this. All of us have random thoughts that tell us to be unfaithful or steal from the boss or go through a red light. The world is made up of mainly two different groups. The ones who do cheat and run the red light and the ones that do not. Sometimes these two different types hook up and get married and so on. In most cases the reason why these two did get together is because of a short engagement or the fact that they were young to begin with. I chose to not be with someone who did not have a moral guideline that would stop her from cheating. Strong people think about it but don't do it and Weak people think about it and still do it. But in the end the child is the most important part of the family. Another thing to think about is the fact that most people who cheat, repeat the actions later on. I hope you find the answers to your questions.

Answer 4

My husband cheated on me and left me so I had no choice but to let him go. I jumped into another relationship right away, probably as a rebound, but the guy I am with now is wonderful. Truth is, I am still hurting, have bad dreams all the time, am depressed a lot, and don't feel like I am over it yet. If you can make it work, good for you and your child. Some marriages become stronger as a result of an affair. In my case, even if I would have stayed with him, I don't think I could ever trust him again. Have you been to counseling? The two of you should go together, but if she refuses, go by yourself. At least for your own sanity. The worst thing you could do is to have an affair yourself. Two wrongs don't make a right and if you want to save your marriage all your energy should be spent on your wife and your relationship with her. God Bless you... I know what it feels like.

Answer 5

Two wrongs don't make a right my friend. I am so sorry you have been hurt like this, I speak from experience, I know it sucks. And the fact that you are feeling like you want to "get her back" is completely acceptable, but actually doing it, is not.

Let me tell you my story. My husband kicked me out one day, told me he didn't love me and hadn't for a long time, we seperated. I thought for sure that was the end and about a month later, I met a guy and we hit it off. Well, my husband ended up finding out that I had slept with this other man and went crazy, he called my family and told them, my friends, his family, and even the pastor at church. What he didn't tell them and what I would later find out, that he had been having an affair for a year. Before I found that out, after seven months of seperation, I moved back home to try to work things out, he carried on the affair for another month after I moved home and I didn't find out about the affair until it had been over for a month.

Now whenever the subject of his affair comes up - he always always brings up the fact that I slept with someone else. Even though, I thought it was over, and it was a one time thing, and he was carrying on a fullblown affair, he still brings it up. It was still cheating. I regret sleeping with that guy now more than ever because it just gave him amunition.

Be the bigger person. What she did to you does not justify you cheating on her. If you continue to feel this way, its probably best to just end the marriage and move on. But, if you can move past these feelings and begin to trust her again, I am all for marriages working out.

Take care, Best of luck, and remember to do the right thing. Keep your conscience clear.

Oh and one last thing - think about your child and the effect all of this additional drama could potentially have on him.

Answer 6

How will you being a cheater help you feel better about having been cheated on? Turning yourself into a lying, selfish, deceiver isn't the way to get over what happened...she'll still have cheated and you'll still hurt and wonder why.

Two wrongs don't make a right dude, cliche' but true. Don't mess up your own karma by doing something stupid just because you think it will be appropriate "revenge"

It sounds like you two need counseling, seriously. Go see a couples/marriage counselor and talk about how you both feel, her infidelity, and what you both want from the relationship moving forward. Until you allow yourself to get beyond what she did, you're wasting your time and hers.

Answer 7

You're wrong and you know that your are wrong that is whiy yoiu even have to ask the question. If you're not happy move on. Ask yourself a question, after you get your revenge, what is that going to do? You will just both be two cheaters in a felling marriage, under one roof, with a child that's suferring the consequences of two parents that aren't happy with one another staying together for no reason at all that makes sense. If you did forgive her, you wouldn't be in the state of mind that you are in. Fisrt of all both of you needed to attend counseling after a serious problem like that in your marriage. I suggest letting go and letting God. If you seek revenge you'll feel worst than you already do. Be Blessed, and PRAY!

Answer 8

two wrongs never make a right, if u can't deal with what happened u need to get out of the marriage, not go outside the marriage seeking a solution to the problem. and no woman is going to just want a little fun, u would be using her. and what if u were to fall in love with the other woman? or she u? your opening up a Pandora's box here. you cope with this, through prayer, counseling, and whatever u need to do. revenge only hurts the one seeking it, keeps that person bitter and ugly, keeps them trapped in a mindset. better think twice, unless it is your intention to destroy the marriage.

Answer 9

Well I cheated on my wife a little over a year ago, I know it was wrong & that I ****** up & thought my wife was moving to her moms house just to take some time off. Finding out she became a swinger & started sleeping with her girl friends & 3 other guys that I know of.

I would of had no problem if she slept with one or 2 people so she could get her so called revenge, But she just went out & I guess you could pretty much say worked the town.

Just last night she came over & is talking about working things out & starting over etc etc...I love my kids, I love her...I just can't seem to get over what she has done & to this day continues to do with profiles on Myspace etc telling me we should date people etc...

You on the other hand did the right thing & did not go out looking to get it on with the first girl that caught your eye...If you have kids & you love her enough & feel you can get over it, Then get it all out in the open & explain to her how you feel & never give her a reason agian to cheat, Of course if she does then I could see making a set up cement shoes for her to slip into! lol

Answer 10

Mr. Mixedup,

I am glad to hear that you had at least the conscience to question your decision on whether to revenge your unfair treatment or not. I feel sorry for what has happened, and if I was caught in that emotionally tangled ball of shock, anger, and most of all disappointment, I too may rationalize that getting back on her would make things equal again.

But truth be told it won’t.

In fact, if you acted on your revenge, it would only make things worse, even if your wife agreed that it would be fair, even if you found a woman who would have “a little fun” with you (there are plenty of promiscuous women these days it's not hard), in the end, it will only serve to lower your standing and weaken your relationship status.

In your current situation, you have the upper hand. You are leading the relationship like a great husband would and directing the family in a direction like a great father should be.

A living example, you can stand tall in the torrent of temptation while others wane and surrender it.

It makes me proud to know that there still are men out there with a sense of pride in who they are and are not doing things because other people happen to have a slip in or have no standards at all.

If you cheat on your wife, you will surrender and compromise the very quality that sets you a part from the sea of boys to the handful of real men in this world. She cheated on you, but you made the choice not to, and that alone makes your wife more indebted to you than ever before.

I think you need to make some things very clear with your wife.
Give her a message to this effect:

“Seven months ago, when I fist discovered that my wife was cheating on me, she hurt me in a way I never thought she could. Beyond the deep scar that she left behind, I felt betrayed by my very own right hand, my very best companion, and my very best friend. What saddened me most was that she deliberately made the choice to fail my trust. I was never so disappointed in my high expectations of the woman who I thought was so worthy of me.

Yet despite the echoing pain I feel to this very day, I will never reciprocate what she did to me, because I want her to know that the life that I chose to live every one of my days by, is the breathing and binding proof of the vow of love I made seven years ago to stay loyal and forever faithful to her…until death do us part.

Throughout our lives, men too are tempted by worldly things.

But in each of those situations, I chose to be different and to respect my wife, because I made that decision long ago not be fooled by advice from poor example, but to live by standards which lead to an everlasting union between a man and a woman.

Although she may never feel the same way about me, my wife has my promise that I will never betray her and harm her so greatly as she did once to me.”

Let this message marinade inside of her.

When she finally realizes what she had done to you, and how lucky she is to find a man like you, you will get more respect and love from her than you ever thought possible.

Strength and honor,