Cheating on Wife over a year Ago, she moved out to moms & has become a swinger & is now BI -Kids are with me!?

Question

Married with 3 kids under the age of 5, I know I ****** up etc & we have talked about what happend. However she has been sleeping with people, Starting dating some guy & was going to swingers clubs with him, They had profiles on Adultfriendfinder & some other Swingers site. Her story is that she had 2 boyfriends then got married & wants to make up for the time she did not get to date & thinks we should go on dates etc but yet somehow try & see if we can work things out. She has had profiles on Myspace & Match.com & Lovehappens.com etc. Right now she has her Myspace profile saying she is BI & is going through a divorce & you know all the same crap she has been doing online now for a year. Knowing our kids are affected by this & yes I know I caused it but for her to drag this out & continue to do this is just wrong. Again I know I ****** up but, When you start swinging & sleeping around & expect me to be there when she is done is just ****** up & she does not seem to get it!!

Advice?

Answer 1

Dizzy, only one person can change this cycle and that is you. Not her because she is having fun right now. You have the kids which means you need to take care of them and let your wife do what she has or wants. Looking back on your mistakes is good so you won't make them again, but when we look back to much it makes us hold on to the past. Now you and your children have to move on without her. Best of Luck

Answer 2

So...what? Admitting that you f*cked up is supposed to make everything okay again?

RacerX is absolutely right. You DON'T get it. When you chose making Mr. Happy...happy... over being honest with your wife, you gave up the right to b*tch about the consequences. You made a choice, and here you are with a dandy crop of Regret in full bloom.

I'll say this...at least your wife (ex-wife?) is being honest. She is moving on with her life. Of course, if she allows her sex life to adversely affect her ability to be a parent (as opposed to enriching her as a person, thereby making her a better parent), then you have a right to be worried and involved because it involves your kids' welfare. But unless you can prove that her healthy, honest, albeit vigorous expression of her sexuality is somehow worse than the example YOU showed them, it simply isn't your business anymore.

Now, I'm sorry if I'm being really harsh, but I really hate cheating and all that goes along with it. My husband and I are swingers, and it's NOT the same thing at all. My guess is that what you're feeling right now is your inner control freak experiencing what it's like to be waaay outside his comfort zone. After all, isn't that kinda what cheating is? You want to keep the security of the life you know while dabbling on the side with something "more exciting". The key is to control your situation. But now you are no longer in control, and your wife is behaving exactly like what she is: an individual who does not and never did need you. She was with you because she chose to be, not because she somehow had to be...as you're finding out now. And now you can't control how she feels about things, or how she reacts to them. You don't like this because it makes you realize that your actions have consequences that not only affect you: they negatively affect the lives of other people, often in permanent ways.

Your decision has become a part of her experience, and a chapter in her life. You have influenced another person's life and their life is the worse for it. Not a nice feeling is it? Because you have just defined yourself. Now you can either wallow in that, or you can let the gravity of that sink in, learn from it, and decide that that is a person you want to distance yourself from being. It's your choice.

In any case, the fact that your (ex)wife is dealing with her hurts by swinging is not your business as long as it's not affecting her ability to be a parent. And by that, I mean that it's not detracting from your kids' quality of life. You say she is "dragging this out". I have to disagree. You can't control her life anymore, get it? If she is learning to be her own person without you, and it's taking her 6 months to do it, so be it. A year? Two? Who are you to say how much she should be hurt by what you did? Who are you to limit that for her? Or tell her how long it's supposed to take her to recover? Maybe this isn't just recovery; maybe she's actually living her new life and is very happy at it. Maybe she's completely over you? Who knows?

Now I don't know your wife, and maybe she IS going about swinging all the wrong way. Maybe it is actually harmful to her and she is going through a self-destructive and selfish phase right now. And if that's the case, then she's definitely not helping herself. But what you've described sounds more to me like she's moving on with her life in a very positive way. I'm sorry if you have a problem with that.

My advice would be to start working on yourself, and becoming the person you know YOU should be. You may not be a husband anymore, but you're still a Dad. Be the kind of person you admire, and give your kids a good example to follow.

Answer 3

Advice? Let her go? She obviously has proven that she no longer desires to be in a marriage with you. Some women (and men) can forgive and move on, and others simply cannot. You made a mistake and this is the consequences of your actions. While it would be nice to work it all out, she doesnt want to and you cant force her to reconcile with you. I would just make sure you get custody and move on with your life...best of luck to you!

Answer 4

I think you both just don't get it.