Why do differences in marriage that were normal and daily...?

Question

...become paramount in a divorce that is used like daggers to kill the other person? In the marriage, these differences amount to squat - it seemed. In a couirt of divorce, these differences become tools to discredit and humiliate - twisted to be something other than they were not - Why does the dynamics in a marriage that lasted for years all of a sudden turn into poison and bad blood in a court room or lawyers office? Can anyone in a realtionship be safe with being themselves or should everyone have to walk on thin ice worried that one day the ex may go after you in court for being yourself? Do we have to look at someone potentially could be great to be with for the rest of your life - or look at them in regards to how is this person going to treat me if we get divorced?

Answer 1

It's what lawyers do. It's all about defining your opponent;in this case, the future ex. It works because there are elements of truth, but they get exaggerated beyond that which is the experience of the participants. Once the hook of truth (no matter how distorted) gets under one's skin, then one is betrayed by one's own emotional responses. The key, I think, is to remain centered no matter how insidious the attack. Part of the reason why these kinds of attacks work is the (mostly unwilling) participation of the person being attacked, and their subsequent inability to redefine the actions or behavior being exaggerated. I think it is a very cynical response to always be on one's guard against a future what if. While it takes courage to keep oneself open and vulnerable to a potential mate, it certainly is no less painful, but the lessons learned needn't be a complete walling off from those who may be your staunchest defender, nurturer, partner. Give yourself time to heal and reflect. Reassess what you want and what you value. Keep your heart innocent as a child, and hopefully, you will find your reflection in another. Best wishes.

Answer 2

Oh my God, I've been saying the exact same thing for years. And since I work in a law office, I unfortunately know that a lot of this is because of lawyers and the way the law is written. A lot of states require that you have "reason" to divorce. So the normal and daily problems that are dealt with in a marriage become horrible divorce material. The only thing people can do is get the laws in their State to make it so that if you don't want to be married, you can cite "irreconcilable" differences. We cant get along! You don't have to list every little thing someone said or did to hurt you while you were married. And another reason is that the nastier the lawyer can make it the more they can charge, because once you start saying nasty things about one party, that party is going to respond by listing all the other person's nasty habits, making it a long and drawn out contested divorce (get the picture). Anyway, good luck and God Bless.

Answer 3

NO still be yourself. The only reason why people do that is because they are selfish or the laywers tell them to do this and they are doing what the laywer says. Divorce is not nice most times but if it is mutual then it could be not as bad. It depends on the ppl getting the divorce but if the person becomes bigger and does not get nasty in the court room they will look like a much much better person to the judge and that may persay the judge to go your way instead of the person being nasty.
well hope this answers your question.

Answer 4

What a depressing question! I would hope that I never have to worry about it, and am pretty sure I don't. ......But I bet a lot of divorced people once said the same thing. Still, this sure is a pessimistic way to look at love. :( There are lots of couples who stay married until the end. Keep those in mind.

Answer 5

You should never doom a relationship by going in to it expecting it to fail...it always will if you think like that.
People who use things like you described to hurt other people are people to be well shed of and were always like that, you just decided not to notice....and not everyone will believe them...always be true to yourself...and never get into a relationship with someone that you cannot be truly who you are...life is full of chances...laughter..pain...and not freely living to feel all of those would be a waste...

Answer 6

You have to be a real slime ball if you can't just divorce because of the differences and not throw mud. It doesn't have to be that way but people without integrity seem to think that is the way to go. Disgusting....