How honest should I be about a deadbeat father?

Question

When the dreaded day comes when my twins ask why they don't have a father, what do I say? I can't very well give them the truth (he's selfish, abusive, abandoned his own children) But I also DO NOT want to excuse him in any way (example: He wasn't ready to be a father, or any crap like that)...

Answer 1

The answer you give depends on their age at the time they ask, as well as their maturity level.

2-8yrs...tell them that families are all different...some families have a mom OR a dad...some have both...and then there are some that are raised by other extended family members (grandparents, aunts, uncles, etc.)
See if you can sidestep a bit...assure them that you love them (of course) and that they are part of a family that only has a mother. If they continue to press, tell them that you don't know where he is at this time...(a little lie, if you do, but a necessary one) Be sure to pay attention to them, show them that their questions are important to you, but don't let the subject linger. Treat it carefully and with compassion.

8-18yrs...tell them the truth as tactfully as possible. Eight may still be too young, but here again, depends on their maturity. Anyway, try your best not to "personally attack" their father, as much as you may like to. Keep it as neutral as possible; try to make sure that they in no way feel that their not having a father in their life is their fault or that their father didn't want them. This will lead to feelings of abandonment and unworthiness...something I know you want to avoid. You might just say that at the time they were born that their father was scared he wouldn't be a good enough for them and ran away. This IS basically the truth, just put in a way that doesn't make them feel like they're at fault in any way. It puts the accountability in HIS lap, right where it belongs. You won't be "excusing" him by doing this....when the children get much older...like 18...then you could possibly feel free to air your true opinions about this piece of scum. Badmouthing him, no matter what your intentions will only lower your own standards and breed resentment from your children.

I hope this helps.

Answer 2

This day is an overrated piece of crap. If you are raising theses boys you need to raise them to be MEN. Good male values don't allow us to get wrapped up about these issues because we have jobs to do. That's how your boys will be if you raise them that way.

Now if you teach them to fret about there daddy you'd end up with two ***** boys and not men.


Lead by example, my mom didn't take any money or spend any time talking about my dad. Over the coerce of years maybe a few sentences and never a why or what happened. Do I care -- hell no. What I care about is bring in the next promotion and taking care of my own family and who DID me

Answer 3

Tell them the truth. That their dad is not a good man and that you are sorry you chose a bad man to make babies with. I don't think it's fair to totally put all the blame on him. Take some responsibilty for the decisions you made that left them with a deadbeat father.

Answer 4

Tell your kids the positive things that attracted you to him. Tell then that he was a handsom man and he had a very kind heart but we were just not meant to be together as a couple. Some people love each other but just cant live together. the kids need to hear the positive so they don't grow up hating him or you for saying so, be careful and tell them only the positive without telling any negative. Be negative and it comes back , be positive and that comes back also. Take care Heather

Answer 5

Be honest without making excuses for him or berating him. Tell them exactly what happened in language they can understand. Something like "Daddy and mommy could not get along together" or "Mommy did not feel safe living with Daddy". The words will come to you. The most important thing is to stress that you love them and are there for them.

Answer 6

You only have two choices. Tell them something to make them think that they were loved but he had to leave for valid reasons or tell them how much you hate him. I would personally want my children to think that they had two great parents rather than one who was abusive and the other who made a mistake in dating him in the first place.

Answer 7

That's a good question. I am in a similar position. My son will ask me 1 day why his dad & I aren't together. I want to tell him the real reason, but I have heard opposition to this (from family members). As long as they understand it isn't their fault that he left, you could probably leave out the gory details.

Answer 8

you're for sure, actual. regrettably the female in contact would herself be needy. also, not in any respect underestimate the reality that many women folk prefer to take heed to what their guy tells them, and that is regularly all roses and damaged supplies you. that is all ok watching for women folk to be more beneficial mature than adult men, that regularly comes after the child is born and the reality hits domicile. for sure it oftentimes leads to heartbreak - yet attempt telling a youthful female that once she is determined that she will be diverse from each and each and every of the others who've made an similar mistake.

Answer 9

i think you should let them know a little at a time, as they start to understand, what life is. as they reach ther're teenage years. my son is 13 and may understand some what but not all. so use you own judgment. once he yelled at me for not loving his dad and i had to sit him down and explain that i did love him until things didn't work out and his dad changed for the worst and i need to make changes for our safety. you will be giving more then enough time to tell them. take your time and good luck.

Answer 10

Tell the truth, being careful not to let your personal feeling cloud the real truth.