Wifely Duties.......?

Question

Hi everyone,
I need your help! Opinion! I got married about 6 months back.. 2 weeks back my inlaws got here , and after having dinner my FIL tels his son not to pick up the plate he eat food in coz its the wife's duty to do soo!!! I was shocked... I tld my husband its not fair and i am not happy doing this.. was i wrong? After 2 days he tells me.. u have to perfrom ur duties such as pickin up my plate, serving me coffee wher i am sitting and many more. i am mainly concerned about me lifting his plate.... it freaks me out everytime i do it!!!! Is marriage not supp to be bonded with love and affection than duties which wer prob followed ages bk... N as a husband dont u ppl think he should provide me all the comforts i need.. wen he expects me to fulfil his duties though i am unhappy, is it wrong i expect the comforts he has to provide to me??? Plss advice!!

Answer 1

Does he think that he is living in the '50's or something?? Hello...I would tell him how it is and if he wants you to pick up his plate, tell him sure, you'll clean up, if he makes the dinner.. that sucks...he should know better than to think you are only there to cater to his every want and need.... give me a break...was he like this before his mom came over?? What next?? Does he want you to wipe his *SS??? I would set him straight now, or you will be just like his mother......

Answer 2

Honey wake up n Run. Is your husband some CEO of a company that he doesnt have time to pick his own plate?? The demands
he makes apeears so that you are probably living in a million dollar home and driving around a Ferrari.becuase a man who can provide these
who is a millionaire can probably make such unreasonable disgusting demands. Your husband and Father in law sure
seem like losers and I bet they probably do not have a single person who they can call a Friend.Such men will
always remaining disappointing failures all life, if you expecting a change honey Wake up! They are a bad case of terrible upbringing in
family from generations. One question where do you live ??? In one of the most under developed parts of the world is it???????
And also Tell The Loser To GET A LIFE

Answer 3

I had that problem with my first husband. We were married for 18 years and his attitude was that I should do all sorts of menial "duties" for him and his father thought so too and brought up that fact that HIS wife did that for him too. I ALWAYS balked at being subserviant. I mean, I'm a professional working woman - a college graduate - I'm not some barefoot and pregnant slave - and that's the way I always felt. I had "duties" but HE didn't have any other than making money. I was supposed to wait on him and his father and brother, keep the house immaculate, make breakfast, lunch and dinner, raise the kids alone and still be up and ready to please him sexually whenever HE wanted it. I just wasn't raised that way. BTW - he was of a different culture, but born and raised in the US - as was his father.

With my fiance it's different. I gave him a little statue that we call the "suplicant" when we had been together a couple of months. It represents that I bow before him and would do anything that he asked gladly. I know how that sounds, but I knew that he would never take advantage of that devotion. He had been on his own for many years before I came along and was completely and utterly self-reliant and basically refused to let me do anything for him that he could do for himself. If I hopped up to take his plate or get him something he would tell me to sit down and then would proceed to get it himself. I actually had to (and you're not going to believe this) TRAIN him to allow me to wait on him hand and foot. I just absolutely WANT to cherish and adore him by performing the little luxuries that I think he deserves. I LOVE that he enjoys the pampering and appreciates it so much. He never takes it for granted - or me for granted and THAT'S why I don't feel bad about it or used in any way. Also, he is the most thoughtful and loving man I have ever known and does most of the housework, cooks, shops for groceries, makes my tea, runs my bath twice a day, tucks me in and nurtures me constantly in deed and word.

So, I guess that's my opinion about it. If he has put you in a situation that you feel uncomfortable with, YOUR wishes need to be respected. If it's something that feels like a "duty" it's wrong. This is obviously the way your husband was raised. Did you see this before you were married? What the father is, the son will become. I would try to educate them both, but if that doesn't work, try counseling. The resentment will only build over time and it will destroy your marriage relationship.

Answer 4

Make out a list of husbandly duties. Tell him you will gladly pick up his plate, serve him coffee, etc. if he performs those duties. Marriage is 50/50. It sounds as though you expect quite a bit from him but don't expect to give anything back in return? If none of this was discussed or expected before you were married I would pull out the marriage contract and look it over. I'm pretty sure those duties are not mentioned. And you can't use that OBEY clause to cover it, either. If that were the case he needs to be obeying you as well. Does he pick up your plate? Serve you coffee? If it would save face in front of his family, I wouldn't be above doing these things for him in front of his family so long as he didn't expect it at home, too. My partner and I will pick up after one another without thinking about it. If I get up and see he is finished, I take his plate to the kitchen with me. He does the same for me all the time. I make him coffee when I make mine (he doesn't do this for me because of the amount of sugar and cream I take in mine, lol). It's just considerate.
Relationships are 100% give and take. You can't take and not give and vice versa. Marriage should be about selflessness, not selfishness. Your partner's happiness will be reflected upon you.

Answer 5

To the misinformed person that asked if you married a middle eastern man. I am a middle eastern man and I cook for my wife. She doesn´t even know how to make an egg. You hear or see about a couple people and all of a sudden you know everything, huh? Anyway I would be totally angry about the FIL saying that, and I would let him know that I am not going to fit into any description of what he thinks a wife should or should not do. And yes, yes, yes, family is usually always an issue in marriages. A deal breaker if you will. If he doesn´t put you first, you should put yourself first and see how happy he is with his ingenious results that he created. Good luck and once again, to the person who had that beautiful comment about middle easterners, do some research so you can get back at me so I can tell you where you can go.

Answer 6

I believe in doing wifely duties but removing his plate isn't one I would do. I bring my husband coffee and have dinner ready when he gets home keep the house clean and try to look pretty when I am in his presence but I really wouldn't pick up his plate he is a man and can walk the damn thing to the sink especially if I am washing it...we don't have a dishwasher either.
If you don't work and he is the provider of your comforts then yes you have wifely duties. Women talk about 50/50 and that is such bull, women want to have the comforts but not take care of the man who provides them...this DOESN"T apply to working women. Working women have every right to expect their husband to help out becuase they are providing for the family as well. I am addressing nonworking women in my reply.

Answer 7

That's ridiculous. You're not his servant, you're his wife. You're supposed to be his PARTNER in life, which means you are his EQUAL. If you do not work and he pays all of the bills and takes care of you financially, then yes you should try to take care of him by keeping the house clean, doing laundry and making his dinner, but you should NOT have to wait on him hand and foot. My husband works and I do not, and I hardly ever take his plate into the kitchen for him. He knows better than that--he usually takes mine in there when he gets up since I cooked for him. Your husband is WAY out of line telling his son not to pick up his plate. Does the son pay the bills and take care of you? NO, so he can take his own stinkin plate to the sink. The next time he tries this laugh in his face and tell him no you're not doing that and you'll never do it because you have more respect for yourself than to allow him to treat you like a servant. No matter how mad he gets, don't do it. Just do what you think is reasonable housework and wifely duties and nothing more until he gets it. If he insists on having a maid for a wife then divorce him because it's not worth it. What does he do for you that could possibly make a lifetime of servitude worth it?

Answer 8

You must understand, if that's how he was raised..Also by you demonstrating these actions to him, and might make him feel loved....In other words the things that you do for Him (Acts of Service) shows him how much you love him. But on the other hand you have to tell him what makes you feel loved. What he needs to do, or say to make you feel appreciated and loved. Once our spouses begin to understand each other's love language then there will be less confusion and conflict. But you cant find out if you don't communicate. And yes your husband should give you the affection and love that you need as a wife, but you must communicate that to him, and make sure he understands by him repeating back to you what you've just communicated to him. I encourage you to be patient, b/c it will take time, and a lot of communicating. The both of you have a lifetime to grow.

You have to also remember that the both of you may have came from different cultures or backgrounds, therefore in marriage the both of you must learn to come to a meeting point(agreement) in your marriage. We mess up when we come into marriage with high expectations of our spouses, and we get upset when they don't meet our expectations. Your husband has never been a husband before and may need your help, and you have never been a wife before and you may need his help, and most importantly seek God and ask Him to shape and mold the both of you to the wife and husband you both should be.

Answer 9

Eh, sounds like extremly old fashioned strain of thought.

Personally I won't mind if my husband asks if I can take his plate now and then, but the day he'd expect me to clean up after him and wait on him like a servant I'd leave.
If I was staying at home and he was working, then I would take a larger part of house work and chores (Wifely duties if you want), but as we both work I expect him to take just as big part in the house work.

I'd suggest sitting down talking to your husband. Try to see if there is a way the two of you can find something the both of you are happy with. If not, I guess you need to think about if this is something you want and can deal with to stay with him or if you want to leave.

Answer 10

As long as you are not a working wife, I supose you an do part of the housework, but not serve him like he's the king. If you are working yourself, recommend you to pick up only your own stuff, wash you own clothes, clean up only whatever you might need for yourself. Try to learn not to see any dirt around the house. It take quite some trainning to live with a little dirt around but don't think you can force him to do stuff on his own. leave him on his own, do his own laundry, pick up his own laundry from the dry-cleaners, just do not do anything that is his. Wash the only cup/mug that you need, same goes for plates as well.Until and unless he learns how to respect you as a modern female. You are a learned person, not from some mountains where girls get married at 14years and then spending their lives having babies.

Answer 11

In some cultures the woman's place is to serve, well I am so glad that I am not from that culture. This is the year 2007, we don't live in the dark ages, and my b/f and I share the chores equally. It sounds like your husband is too easily influenced by his old fashioned father, he needs to remember that times change, and he can manage his own plates and cups etc, and it won't kill him to make you a coffee either.