to call or not to call him? will i continue looking after his needs?

Question

my husband and i are married for 10 years. He is 51, and im 35. thought our marriage was ok. Until i found out he was cheating on me. He told me it was all my fault because i was never a good wife to him as he claims. He never realized my effort, and my endearing qualities. I tried my best to be the wife he wants me to be. For a year we tried holding on to each other. I was more of a giver than receiver. Inspite of it all, i noticed his feeling of emptiness &, loneliness. He says he is not happy, he doesnt know what he wants, and he's sick and tired of being a father, a husband, and a provider to us. He just want to think about himself, and give happiness for himself. He thinks time is running out, and he hasn't done so much in his life. but he left me with my 2 sons, after finding out again that he was still seeing the other woman. I begged him to stay, but he said he feels his going to die if he stays. He wants time and space to search for himself and if he still loves me.

i still love him, and will forgive him. But he doesn't want to talk to me and see me. I still continue to send him food for his lunch, send him notes etc.. in order for me to win him back.

Answer 1

Alot of times a person could appear to have everything anyone would want but still have feelings of being unfulfilled. People who begin to feel this way find themselves with suffering from a lack of intimacy within the relationship. This usually happens when the "friendship" in the relationship is lost. Although I would say it is unfair for him to blame his cheating just on you. My advice to you would be to frist of all, stop the begging. I know the thought of losing him can lead you to panic. But if you really want to save your marriage, then this is the time to set the tears aside and get tough with your love. You must let him know that his betrayal has put the marriage in great danger That you are hurt and devastated and wonder if you could ever recover and to view him again with any form of trust. Say to him, " I have been thinking about us a lot and feel such a sense of lost by what you have done. It has made me look at you as a stranger, not the man I used to know and love. And it all makes me wonder what happened to the love and friendship we used to share. For a long time now I have been missing the closeness you and I once shared. And I know I probably should of come to you and expressed of how empty and distant from you I have been feeling. You probably were feeling the same feelings about me. We both failed at communicating what we needed from one another..But you cheating does not constitute you the right to betray your marrital vows. If you are willing to work this out as at this point I am, then you will have to know, that cheating is not something that will be tolerated. If you decide that you no longer want to be in this marriage, then I will have no choice but to accpet this. Think about what I have said, in the mean time, I have my own thinking to do as to how I am gonna get over the grief this has caused me. Either way, I will get over this, I will get strong again, and if I have to I will learn to let you go. What ever the case I do wish you well."...After saying this you must NOT contact him in anyway except for business and things that you two need to talk about. Doing this at least you regain the respect he has lost from you. Most time, whenever a wondering spouse gets his way, learns that his freedom is secure, then they start to want to come back. He will test you on this for sure. You need to maintain strong and show him that you mean what you say or you run the risk of him cheating again. Hope all works out for you!

Answer 2

I am no relationship expert and I don't think one exsist. Primarily because relationships are so complicated. The 8th wonder of the world. However I can speak from experience and I will tell you though I know it is incredibly difficult for you don't contact him. Give him his space. Why are we always the one expected to make the 1st move? Look at it this way, if he does call you it will feel incredibly wonderful and it will let you know he is still interested. If he doesn't make any attempts to contact you then it is time for you to move on. One thing that can end up happening in a situation such as your is that the guy will expect to be friends with benefits, thus leaving you feeling used. However from what you said in your questions he doesn't seem the type. Remember that old saying our parents used to say 'If you love it let it go, if it comes back to you then its your, if it doesn't then it was never your to begin with'(or something like that). I think he needs space to see where his head and heart is at and in the long run giving him this space may work in your advantage. either that or he has moved on. Resist the strong urge to contact him, I promise it will get easier as time goes on. And who knows in the future you guys may be able to have a good friendship, but if you pressure him you won't get a chance to find out. Good Luck

Answer 3

I'm so sorry for you but don't call him. He's a cheater and at his age I don't think he's going to change without some kind of revelation in his life. I understand you love him but from what you've said, the feeling is not mutual. Maybe you should start thinking of divorce and he'll have to keep on paying the bills and supporting the children.

I do want to thank you, I'm almost 50 and the age difference between the two of you gives me hope that I may still find someone one day. There aren't too many women my age that I'm attracted to and the love of my life was 17 years younger than I was.

I wish you all the luck in the world.

Answer 4

He is the most selfish and low kind of man. Can YOU think of only yourself now? NO, you have 2 sons. YOU don't get to run off and FIND yourself - but he, being the MAN can slide out of the marriage and search for his so called HAPPINESS.

Wake up sister -DO NOT call him or contact him in any way. Let him think and wonder and speculate as to what you might be up to. And when he finds that no one else has any thing to offer him and he returns ready to settle down, let him find that you have moved on, a decent, caring, strong and loving man in your bed.

I dare ya honey. Women everywhere need to wake up to this crap.

I sincerely wish you the very best. I believe that things will never work out with a man who can't live up to being a man.

Answer 5

First of all it is not your fault he cheated on you. No matter what you had done or whatever because he still chose to do it. We are not responsible for what happens to us BUT he are held accountable for how we respond. Yes maybe you were not a perfect wife but no one is perfect and he still chose to cheat on you and should not blame you for the wrong choice that he has made. You really need to go to marriage counseling together to try and work on this issue. Why does he feel he is going to die if he stays with you? This does not make sense. Okay here is my advice and suggestion to you. Seek counseling for and for your emotions. Give him his time and space for about a month or so. If you do not see an improvement and change from him and in your marriage and he still wants the other woman then file for divorce. BUT you need to talk to him and tell him that you would like for him to go to marriage counseling with you. Also apologize to him for what you did wrong BUT you need to tell him you will not take the blame for what he chose to do to you and your marriage by cheating on you with this other woman. What is is doing is called deverted blame and this is not fair to you. He needs to take responsibility and the blame for what he did and chose to do to you and this marriage. Right now i do not feel he loves you as he should.

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Answer 6

Dump that sucker and file for a fat compensation package. Build a life with your sons and find a better amte for yourself. This man is so selfish that he does not realize that he made a commitment when he married you and became a father. He wants no responsibilities and yet he wants all good things in life. If possible, squeeze him dry and leave him a pauper.

Answer 7

This is what you call a mid-life crisis. Men go through this more often than women. It is not fair for him to blame you. Each of you should own your own feelings. In the end it is probably best to let him go through what he needs to go through - there really is not anything you can do to control his behavior. It is really your decision as to how you can be supportive to him. If you chose the wait for him to go through this, some people realize that life is better with a family etc. than out on your own. You also have to be sure you take care of yourself. Counseling can help - if not together than by yourself.

Good Luck

Answer 8

You have your whole life ahead of you. If divorce is not an option for you, the only thing I would suggest is prayer-lots of prayer.

However, you are not doing you or your children a favor by staying with a man that does not love you.

Answer 9

same lame ass excuse they all give. pick up your feet and move on, forget about him and what he is doing. be a WOMAN and leave him alone. face it you got stuck with 2 kids you got to raise now and he wants to go play. well there is nothing you can do about it except raise your kids and move on, unless of course you can do what most these ladies do. that is to lower your pride loose you self esteem, dignity and all you stand for and let him treat you like that. your choice stay and end up nowhere or leave it alone and feel great about who you are and what you CAN do without him!

Answer 10

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