How do I get my 13 year old to stop lying about everything?

Question

My 13 yr old daughter keeps lying to me. From big things like homework which of course is hurting her grades, she lies to me about using the phone, and little things like closing the box of cereal. I have talked to her about it. I have taken things away from her like her cellphone, the use of the home phone, using the computer. I am at a loss. To me she just don't care. It hurts me to keep taking things away from her and seeing her so unhappy. I am not sure whatelse I can do. I have explained to her how it makes me feel and how I can not trust her word because she lies so much. I have two other daughters one 12 and the other one 8. I don't want them to pick this up. Help!!!

Answer 1

Do not start lying to her, you will only justify her rebellion. Teenagers need to know they can trust you with the truth. Right now, if you ask any question with an accusatory tone, she will lie simply because she will be on the defensive. When you ask her questions, try to have a more friendly attitude. At 13 she may think any question is an accusation, and that by teling the truth, whe will be punished.

At that age, you could stop punishing the small things. She forgot to close the lid on a box, well, tell her its okay, people forget things, and then drop the issue. If she feel she can be honnest with you for these things, she may stop feeling that is a fight between you and her.

Also, at 13, its time to start dealing with her more like an adult. Time-outs kinda stop working. Instead of talking to her, talk WITH her, and try to work together to find solutions to the problems like phone usage or homework issues. Also think back to what you have told her before. Did you put too much pressure on grades? Are you there if she needs help? You cannot establish a relationship of dominace over a teen, you must establish a relationship of trust.

Answer 2

I think you need to ask her why she feels the 'need' to lie. Is it just her way of expressing a sense of independence? Does she realize that she is doing it when she does it? Honestly, I think you should get her a notebook and have her right it all down. And make her keep writing until she feels that she has expressed why she thinks she does it. Do not by any means, allow her any privilages until you two get to the bottom of this togther. I know it is frustrating. I have a 9 yr old son who just lies - off hand - doesn't even ponder what is coming out of his mouth and usually I know immediatly because he is too young to be sneaky about it so I call him out on it. If I catch him in a lie he has no TV for the evening, if it happens again - none for the rest of the week. Then he starts losing other privilages too... I think that it is really getting to the bottom of understanding the WHY. Which is something only she can tell you. Whether she is afraid of your reaction or if it is an unconscious thing. But seriously express your concern to her about it in a direct and almost clinical way. Try not to get frustrated and show anger towards her while she is trying to explain it - that is why I would have her write it all down. She'll be able to complete the entire thought process without interruption. After you read, it will give you some insight and hopefully get the 2 of you discussing what you can do to help eachother out. Make sure she doesn't brush it off either - tell her it has to be at least 4 pages long, after she starts and gets into it - it will probably be longer. Tell her you want examples and the full story. Give it to her on Saturday or Sunday so you can make sure she sits down and works on it... Good Luck!

Answer 3

Is it only a recent thing? If so, maybe you should be talking to her about why she feels the need to lie about everything. Could she be under a lot of stress? Maybe she is looking for attention, the old negative attention is better than no attention theory. Does she care about the example she is setting for her siblings? Is this a possible avenue you can use to get through to her? Maybe an outside opinion might help, like counselling, as sometimes being so close to the situation it is hard to see clearing what can be done. Has something new happened in your lives that might be too much for her to cope with? If the lies are only a recent thing, then you need to find what it is that has triggered them. If she isn't responding to you discussing this issue with her, is there someone else she does respond too? Another family member, a family friend, etc.

Answer 4

Your daughter knows it hurts you to take things from her. If you can't get over it and realize that what is BEST for your daughter is to be a decent person, then you don't have a chance. She lies to you because she gets away with more often than not. She lies to you because she gets what she wants by lying. She uses her unhappiness to get her way. Think about it for a minute, if all it takes to have the things she wants is to be honest and SHE CHOOSES TO DO WITHOUT THEM and be "unhappy", what is she really telling you. Perhaps it is I would rather be able to be a liar and right now its worth losing priviledges.....if you think it is bad now wait until all three of them are doing it, which is exactly what will happen if you don't stand up and realize that when your daughter breaks the rules and pays the consequence (your takin a priviledge from her) it is NOT YOU who has cause it it is HER.

Answer 5

Have her talk to the school counselor and see if they can come up with a problem.. like is she not getting enough attention from others, is a boy the problem? If you do not want the school involved.. try the family doctor. As far as the homework, I would ask the teacher to email it to you daily and make sure your daughter brings home all her books everyday after she has to carry them all home for a week, she will learn to do her homework. Her hormones are changing and this will make you and her crazy. I know that you do not the other 2 pick up on this, make sure you let your 13 yr old know that. Tell her that she is a role model for her other sisters and needs to make sure that they learn good things from her. I wish you alot of luck!!

Answer 6

Lying is always bad but worse when they are just entering puberty . It sounds like she's doing it for attention (any attention is better than none) especially if she feels no remorse, is uncaring of your feelings and consequences for her lying mean very little to her.
Perhaps when she does lie again ask her why she feels the need to lie about something so petty. Does she do it to spite you, have you done something or not done something for her, is she angry with you, with school, her friends, unhappy with herself (there is something going on). There is a reason for lying, especially if this is something new but it may take a lot of prodding and pleading.
Tell her that you love her, adore her, want to have trust in her and you are willing to do anything to make her happy but she has to tell you what is going on. You may have to back off for a while if she clams up but keep at it and let her know you will be there to help her when she's ready. If it gets worse or doesn't get any better and she still refuses to talk to you about it, you may have to speak with a counselor about it.

Answer 7

I don't have an answer for you. I'm just letting you know that I can relate to this question and I feel your pain. I would be interested in what others can offer in advice. We have tried everything and nothing works. From grounding, taking away privileges, etc. It's illegal now a days to inflict corporal punishment But, I truly believe that's what these kids need. A swift kick in the butt. They feel that they can get away with everything and not have to worry about getting a spanking etc. I think that's what kept me in line as a kid. I knew what line I couldn't cross and if I did, my mom would whop me! I guess that's the difference of my generation compared to today's. Good Luck and I hope you find an answer that works for both you and your daughter.

Answer 8

Call her on her lies. Don't let her get away with them. Let her know she's not fooling anyone. If you try to ignore them, they'll only get worse.
Most importantly, don't feel bad about taking these things away. She's doing it to herself. She knows she's lying and she must learn that lies have serious consequences.
It's important that you choose your battles. Who cares who left the cereal box open? With 3 kids in the house, these things are going to happen.
I have a 17 y.o. step son who doesn't know the difference between a lie and the truth, he's been doing it for so long. My point is, stick to your guns and call her on the big stuff. Look her in the eye and tell her you KNOW she's lying and it is causing you to distrust everything she says. If she denies that she's lying and you know better, just let her know you want to trust her but she hasn't earned it. Living with a liar is like living with a stranger. You don't know what they're doing or thinking.

Answer 9

I have to ask, how close are you to her? My 12 yr. old daughter doesn't tell me everything but we talk alot! We have had an open, you can talk to me about anything relationship from the beginning. Now she is getting interested in boys so it is very important. Sounds to me like it would be a good idea to go to a counselor. They can sit down with her individually and then as a family to get to the root of the problem. You have to get it under control now. The next few years are critical ones and alot can go wrong. Good luck

Answer 10

13 is that oh so rebellious age for most and for girls it's all about raging hormones and a lot of peer pressure. Restriction is the key rather than punishment . Take the reigns and take hold of the situation fast. Don't let the child take the role of the boss. It's hard to say no and to take privileges away, but it is for their own good. Maybe a counselor is needed to step in and sort things out. good luck ! My oldest went through a very rebellious time and luckily he made it out alright. Good Luck!!