English Deutsch Français Italiano Español Português 繁體中文 Bahasa Indonesia Tiếng Việt ภาษาไทย
All categories

This is his best friend... he is so focused on him that I get left out... get ignored... I reminded him that yesterday was Valentine's Day and I got reprimanded that he has no energy for anything else. [All I was looking for was "happy valentine's day to you". Not sex or romance] Communication between us is almost non-existant and sex well NOT! Am I being unreasonable here? The friend has been dying for 6 months... its only been this bad for 6 weeks but obviousy it will continue till said friend dies. When he remembers I'm here things are good, but that only occurs once a week or two. And before someone says it I have dealt with death and grief.. took care of both my grandparents when they died. But my philosophy is life goes on... as much as we would like things to stop it doesn't. Just looking for some objective feedback. Thanks to all!

2007-02-15 01:16:20 · 5 answers · asked by t g 3 in Family & Relationships Friends

5 answers

okay, unlike some others here I don't think you are ebing selfish to want his attention. at the same time he is grief striken and not thinking clearly, sit down and talk to him try to do something as a group if the ailing friend is capable. try to see were he's coming from. if he's really emotional with you it because he can't tell his friend that he's actually hurting too , he's trying to balance but doesnt know how. give him time he'll come around. feel him out she how he responds to discussions about said friend. he may be wanting to talk about him to you but doesn't feel the support from you. negative energy can be felt.

2007-02-15 01:31:28 · answer #1 · answered by bbdne4lyfe 2 · 0 0

You are not being selfish, you are trying to live. However people deal with death in many ways. Perhaps you have developed strength in this due to personal experience. I know I have I watched the death of all my grandparents, my father, my first husband, and several friends (all before I was 26). These experiences took my to another level of dealing with death than most people I know. This is where you fall in. Be patient and supportive. He is obviously consumed with grief, let him cry on your shoulder whenever he wants. This will also help take your relationship to another level. if you can get him out once a week, that is fine, keep doing it. But don't fight with him, he already is feeling depressed enough.
Also you said that his friend has been fadeing for the last 6 months. Six weeks out of 6 months is not too bad. However there may be a reason it is getting worse. Is the friends time running out (you didn't say how long they gave him). Does this time of year have meaning for them? Maybe he is thinking of a milestone that his friend won't make. Many things could be going through his mind. All you can do is be there for him. Have you tried to get him to seek counseling? You both could even attend a support group together. Stand by him and hold his hand through this. It is tough to feel like you are on the outside looking in, but that is where the best view of the situation is. You are able to think with a clear mind. Let him feel like he could trust and lean on you and you can lead him out of this and not let him get stuck in grief.

2007-02-15 10:04:33 · answer #2 · answered by w2kaad 3 · 0 0

I was going to be sarcastic and say "way to be supportive", but that's not what you want to hear.
I won't tell you what you want to hear, which is your boyfriend is being selfish and inattentive. Because he's not. He's going through a hard time and doing the best he can.
Life happens, or in this case, death happens. You won't always get all the attention you want. And relationships aren't just about romance, getting attention, and sex. (Though, yes, these are good things!)
Your philosophy about death and moving on comes from your experience. This is HIS experience, and it can not be dictated by how you feel about it. I am guessing you feel some resentment; this has been going on a long time, and your relationship is suffering because of it.
If you want to be a truly supportive partner, and not just a needy girlfriend, ask him how he is doing. Let him know you are there FOR HIM, and let him talk to you about how he's doing. And don't whine about how much you miss him, etc. That won't help.
What you can tell him is you think he is great for being such a good friend (to his friend), and that's one reason you love him so much.
In other words, it's your turn to be there for him. Relationships aren't always smooth, happy, and romantic. Sometimes life is hard, and a partner needs to give more than he/she gets.

2007-02-15 09:28:16 · answer #3 · answered by Karen? 3 · 0 0

You are upset and it is natural but what would you want your friends to do if your dying? Though this friends death is taking its time, give your BF(not husband) time, maybe its his first real death to deal with. He knows that this friendship will end-no doubting it. You on the other hand should just support him, maybe tell him to call you when he needs you, pull back and give him room. Yes its valentines day and you got upset, will this friend have another valentines day? Will this friend do anything you can do? You have the luxury of time right now there is no rush to make your boyfriend pay attention to you right now, maybe you should just leave the relationship if your not able to have compassion for a dying man.

2007-02-15 09:24:41 · answer #4 · answered by draken 2 · 0 0

okay ... not everyone deals with everything the same way. if you are going to continue your relationship with him stop being self fish and understand that this is really hard for him. you can encourage him getting his motivation back. if you want to leave or don't become a bit more understanding then your commitment was like your sex life ... non existent.

2007-02-15 09:24:50 · answer #5 · answered by destiney 3 · 0 0

fedest.com, questions and answers