Should i stay or leave?

Question

My partner and i have been together for 5 years we have a 3 year old son to.2 years ago he had a bit of a break down as 3 years of a big stress in our lives finally came to an end and not the way we had hoped and he got drunk woke up smashed the house up a bit and then beat me up he doesnt remember anything about & in the police station the next dy had to ask them why he was there and what had happened. Since then we things just havent been the same hes like jekyll and hyde when things are good there brilliant but he also drinks to much and his mood can change quickly and then we argue and he throws things and a few weeks ago slapped me and i still dont know why.Hes not a bum and does work hard & long hours to provide for us we live quite comfortably. A week ago i told him id have enough and if he didnt sort hes trying hes not drinking as much and not as moody but i still fell like i want to leave but feel guilty coz hes trying and id be taking my son away from his dad.

Answer 1

its great to know that your partner is trying but remember that hes better knowing that he should be doing this for himself rather than allowing you to think hes doing this just for you and your son.wether you choose to stay in the relationship or not shouldnt determine whether or not your patner gets help or tries himself for his own future, and niether should that be areason for you to stay if your not happy, or if you feel in anyway threatened for yourself and if not moreso for your sons safety. i do no what you are going through as iv been their myself and my son was only 8 mnths old i wish there had been someone to talk to like your doing right now. i was completely on my own but theirs lots of help out their for you please find an address or number (in your telephone book for example) and accept their help. Mythoughts on this are ,that more than likley his drinking is probably the reason for his behavour and could explain the jekylnhide moodswings , but their could be other seriouse reasons for them although icannot comment on this because i dont know enough. when i left my now x partnerall those years ago ,i later found out he had also actually been taking some form of drugs although i never realised it at the time , which further explained his moods and lashing out but didnt remember anything the next day ,.You wouldnt be taking your son away from his dad ,infact you could possibly be bettering your sons chances of a more relaxed upbringing if your son hears or sees the possible "bad things"that maybe happening this can cause him to be anxious ,stressed,unhappyand maycontribute in him being an unruly child,teen ect only you know just how bad thing are for you.if you truly know that you dont want to be in this relationship anymore leave now.Then later when your partner has sorted himself out your son will have a farther he will be proud of and maybe your partner will have a bigger incentive to help himself now. Then he can say that he did this for his son aswell as for himself.I would love to tell you what i would do but everyone has different reasons for staying as well as leaving. you can only do what you really feel is the right thing for you and your son .(And your partner).And all of your futures.GOOD LUCK.....Hope iv helped.

Answer 2

Alcohol is the most evil thing in the world. My husband is the same. He has ruined everything with his drinking. We have a heart to heart every six months, he slows down and then it gets worse again. He hasn't hit me or smashed up the house, but he is verbally abusive when drunk and the next day is a real come down and he won't talk or get out of bed. He isn't a bum either...... He says he can't give up drinking. Well I think he doesn't want to. If you can't get him to get some counselling or give up, then you need to walk away. My step dad was an alcoholic and my childhood memories are forever darkened. Your son will thank you for it in the end.

Answer 3

If you want to make the relationship work, showing effort on your part you could suggest that he go in for a full medical evaluation. He may be bipolar.....sweetheart, I too lived on and off for 20+ years in a relationship very similar to yours except ONE of his biggest problems was Methamphetamine BUT there was also his drinking. He too was a Jekyll and Hyde and yes, brilliant was the relationship when it was good. BUT....I shed mannnnnnnny a tear over his abusiveness (name calling, hitting, slapping). The relationship has ended for him, for me I continue to live with the abuse I suffered as does our 17 year old daughter. I take your situation very much to heart and I feel your pain.....Only you can make the choice to stay or leave, however, the black out he had won't likely be the last. Please protect yourself and your son and I wish you luck in whatever your decision is.

Answer 4

Leave him! Do not feel any remorse for him, and stop making excuses for his behaviour - this is a sure sign that some brainwashing has taken place and you feel you are in someway responsible for this. Have you used the stress of past events as an excuse to abuse him? - Nope! There's your answer, so why should he?

You have to think about not only you but the effect that this will have on your son, which i'm sure you are. Even if you think he's not aware, children know when their parents are not happy. Better to be happy and seperated from your spouse than forcing your child to live in an unstable, unhappy environment!

Obviously to leave this guy you will have to tread extremley carefully in order to ensure that you do not jeapardise the safety of yourself or your child!!

Answer 5

Last summer, my husband and I were celebrating an enormous promotion in his job by going out to dinner and then a bar afterward. When we came home, something snapped in him and he became extremely violent (grabbed me by the throat and threatened to kill me). I was tossed around the house trying to get out as though I weighed no more than a ragdoll. I finally managed to get out of the house and found a good hiding spot. The level of noise caused our neighbors to call the police. I came out of hiding when they got here, told them what happened and had him arrested. I spent a few nights at a friend's house. He also remembers NOTHING from that night.
He was ordered to go for spousal abuse and alcohol counseling and although we still go out to dinner and have a couple of drinks, he is so much more aware of what alcohol in excess can lead to. I chose to stay with him and stand by his side. I realized he had a problem that could be fixed if he truly wanted it. He has proven that what occurred that night was an absolute fluke and we have never been stronger together as a couple.
My advice to you would be to find a temporary place to live with your son (if you feel that you or your son are danger of being hurt by him) and try to get him into some kind of counseling. Make it clear to him that while you love him (I think you do from the way you have written about him) you refuse to live with him like THIS. If he refuses, then you really have to think about what is best (and safest) for you and your child. Think of it this way: taking your son from a Dad who continues to physically harm his Mom is a lot easier to bounce back from than growing up with either an abusive parent or without his Mom. Good luck honey.

Answer 6

You are not taking your son away from his dad-His Dad is taking himself away. you need to protect your son first. he doesn't remember hitting you-what is to stop him from hitting your son? I don't know what your stress was but it sounds like something tragic may have happened to stop it. He needs to talk to someone. I don't think he is able to help himself out. Maybe you can even go to conselling ? Is there somewhere he can stay or you can go? Don't raise your son with the example that it is o.k. to him women. Try just a seperation time. It might motivate him to get help. I know how hard it can be and I know it is probably more complicated than I know but i can only imagine it will get worse if something doesn't change. Do you want your son years from now saying 'Mom why didn't you protect us?"

Answer 7

I have been in a similar situtation...but let me tell you from experience, RUN...do not walk..away. Any man who would hit his wife/partner/girlfriend, whatever, will do it again...and again..and it WILL escalate....I stayed with my husband way too long...he had me believing he was the only one who would ever love me...my life was a living hell. He tried rehab, twice..(he, too was a "high functioning" alcoholic..meaning he worked hard, made good money and never drank on the job)...but he always managed to slide right back into old habits...I walked on "egg shells" everyday, wondering when something was going to make him angry....it's no way to live. Now, you have a child to consider. Are you going to wait until he starts hitting the child? I'll share with you the best advice I ever received...'does a rabbit in the woods, when confronted with a wolf, stop and say..'hmmm..I'd better not run, 'cause the wolf may think I'm crazy...he may or may not bite me..I'll wait to find out'...NO! He runs..because "instinct" told him there was danager. Your instinct is telling you there is danger...LISTEN to it...it will NEVER steer you wrong....

Answer 8

Theres nothing worse for a child than growing up with parents that bicker all the time, I have learnt that first hand. Even though its nice for a child to have two parents together at home it isnt beneficial to see such an abusive one sided relationship. be brave and do what you feel will work out x

Answer 9

Sounds like he needs some therapy to get to why he drinks and why he becomes violent. Bordering on bi-polar? If he gets help then things might well change for the better. If he can't be persuaded to get this then leave before he hurts you or your child. The answer is in his hands, not yours so don't feel guilt.

Answer 10

There is no excuse for wife beating that is bad enough but when your son is there is terrible do you want him to grow up thinking it is a mans place to beat a woman, cos that is what will happen. Get shot of him now, and make sure he only sees his son when he behaves himself