Self esteem....?

Question

My daughter is nearly 16 years old and is so self concious about the way she looks as she has never had a boyfriend and all her friends have - one of her "friends" (and i use that word loosely) keeps saying that she must be really ugly if she hasnt had a boyfriend by now - her self esteem is so low and she thinks that she will never have a boyfriend. I keep telling her that she is special and boys are scared to approach her because they think she is way out of their league but this isnt working any more - how can i help her see that boys will ask her out and not to worry - she is gorgeous and has a fantastic figure but she just feels so low and it didnt help at all that she didnt get any cards on valentines day

i meant by out of their league is that they think she is way to pretty to even consider going out with them and i have told her that - my partner has also said that to her - how is that giving her low self esteem

As_It_Is - do you have a daughter who isnt quite 16 yet??? I understand letting her go places where boys will be but pole dancing lessons and wet t-shirt competitions, you really cant be serious

bpbjess - told her we were going for a girls day to get our nails, hair and makeup done and she was so excited because she has an under 18 disco soon so we are doing it then - great tip thanks

I should maybe have said that I tell her every day at least once that i love her - i also tell her that shes special, shes funny, and warms a room when she smiles or even just enters it

Answer 1

Ahh, the 'popular' girl phenomenon.

Get her Dad(or an adult male she respects) to tell her the truth-in the same way mine did at that age-it's not a reflection on her looks it's a reflection on what boys of 16 are looking for in a 'relationship'.

My Dad told me " All boys from the ages of 15-24 are looking for just one thing, and I should know, I was one."

It wasn't just sound advice it also meant that my attitude as regards being 'desperate' to have a boyfriend and be part of the 'in' crowd altered from 'want to' to 'so what??'

I had lots of boy friends not boyfriends and let's face it a lot of the worlds 'most beautiful' women never got dates at school(including, I believe, Angelina Jolie-and she's pulled Brad Pitt as an adult!).

When she's 30, in a stable relationship and her 'popular' mates are still trawling the local nightclubs every weekend she'll know what you're saying is true.

Until then just keep doing what you're doing as regards reassurance-and maybe try and find some further examples of dateless beauties?

Answer 2

This is very similiar to what both of my daughters are going through. My oldest daughter wiil be 16 in March. She has not had a BF yet. When she was between ages 13-14 her self esteem was low. When she walked she looked down all the time, it drove me crazy. I pointed this out to her a couple times, that when her posture was this way, it made her look as though she lacked self confidence. I don't know why, but she did out grow this. All we can do is try to help them boost their selfconfidence, hold their heads high, and raise them to be individuals. To help raise her confidence, try taking her for that Mom/daughter day out, get her a new outfit, have her hair cut/styled. Usually when the girls have this done, they feel on top of the world. Is there a particulair area of her looks were she is "self concious", or is it the entire package?
If she keeps busy, this will help her keep her mind off not having a BF. Sometimes girls in a group can be catty, and hurt their friends self esteem. She should could spend some time one on one with some of her friends to avoid this. She should have minimal contact with the "friend" you spoke of, as that would be a big downer, at this point in time. Is she involved in sports, academic activities, dance? If she is good at any activities, Let her know where her strengths are, and keep her focused in these areas, not on a BF, let her know she is complete, and does not need a BF. Also, tell her many of her friends relationships are probably just time fillers, as in our area anyway, the girls usually go out with a guy not to be alone, and not because they they really like/love the guy.
I have come to realize why my daughters are both solo, because they are very selective, and a relationship is more than just dating a "friend" that's ok. Thye really want to like they guy, and I believe this makes them a threat to the other guys. Oh yeah, and they are not "boy crazy" and calling every other guy "hot", which I think makes them inaccessable to the guys.
It is so difficult watching our children go through this, but in the long run things will work out for the best. Just her her grow into a strong individual women, and let her know how proud you are of her accomplishments!

Answer 3

I'm 16 years old and I have never had a boyfriend. It doesn't really bother me becuase it is not my prioriety. I sometimes feel down about it, but then find other things to do to keep myself occupied. I paint to help myself. Maybe your daughter should find a theraputic subject to work with if she feels that low. Don't whatever you do, whcih sounds like you won't, do what my mum does and tease me for never having a boyfriend as it is upsetting even if you think yourself its not an issue. Maybe don't tell her she is special and let her deal with it on her own in her own way, she needs to kinda learn that just because she has never had a boyfriend, doesn't mean she is ugly and not loved. If that makes sense.

All my friends are 16 too and have lost their virginity already. She should be pleased she is not in that situation and be thank ful she hasn't done anything she will regret in later life.

Answer 4

First, you need to let her know having a bf or not is not on the critical list of things, hard for a 16 y/o but she needs to be confident in herself. She may not really be ready for a bf or dating, there is no time line. Or she's not willing to get a bf for the heck of it. If she's getting pushed like this she'll be talked into becoming sexually active to 'prove' things.

She should be happy, and you supporting her, about general dating, out with friends and all. As another person said here..I can personally recommend a Dale Carnegie course. What a motivator and self help class all around. Worth the time and money.

Good luck!

Answer 5

Take her to the mall and do a girls day out one evening! Take her to get her makeup done, nails done, and a new outfit!

If that doesn't work, sign her up for public speaking lessons. They are usually offered through local college/universities/trade schools. These lessons allow you to make yourself feel confident (even if you are faking it) for a period of time and teach you to apply that to every day life. Everyone knows that if you pretend to be confident 24/7, you will eventually BECOME confident 24/7.

Answer 6

you know if your child really is good looking and your sure about that then i suggest that you secretly put a picture of here on this site called hot or not. a person puts there pic in and writes a few words about themself and then a huge number of people rate the picture from one to ten . ten is hot . if your daughter is good looking she will get a good score . 7 and above is a very good score. i am a 7.5 and i am 44 as of today .
how about checking out that site . its hotornot.com free and i dont own it or anything. also i dont get junk mail as a result of this. hey you could put your pic on there too its fun
anyway once you have her pic up for a week or so and you see the score is high show her what you did . that will make her happy . give it a try i think this is one of my better idea's
oh you might have to lie and say she is 18 i dont know about that part but who cares

Answer 7

Who cares what she looks like! You should be looking for other ways to build her self esteem! What is she good at? Art? Sports? Music? School?
Start by helping her believe that she can be really good at something. Everyone needs a feeling of self worth. When you feel good about yourself others notice!
Find a way that she can get more involved with an ctivity that she is really good at. Honest - it will help.
Just get her away from the front of the TV, and away from magazines that tell her what she should look like, and that focus on the importance of getting the guy!
As an akward teenager I can relate. Sports saved me and eventually I mets lots of great guys who thought that an antletic girl was sexy!

Answer 8

I went through the same thing. There is not much that a parent can do for her...I had "friends" like that too...now that I am older, I have talked with gys that I hung out with in high school, and they said that they wanted to ask me out, but that they thought I would say no. Maybe she should try asking a guy out on a date and see what happens!

Answer 9

You are already doing a good job telling her she's beautiful. You r building up her self-concept (combination of self esteem and self image). She needs to stop hanging around with that 'friend' who keeps bringing her down, because if every1 tells u somethin like 'your ugly' you begin 2 believe it. so if she starts 2 hang around with people who say 2 her 'u lok nice 2day'. You need to tell her 2 be herself and like herself and then boys will begin 2 like her for who she really is because its not just all about looks its about personality. and that its a fact every1 experiences love in some part of their life so its not a race. hope this helps.

Answer 10

Tell her to forget about the Guys and tell the guys that they are missing out on a very pretty lady.
Besides this also constantly encourage your daughter so that she does nt have an emotional breakdown. Now we dont want that , do we ?