Please, I need advice on why my husband has to play "rescuer"?

Question

A month ago my husband's 21 year old (male) cousin died in a wreck. Ever since the funeral, my husband has been over at his cousin's parents' home, "comforting" his cousin's "little" sister who is nearly 17. My husband is 31 and every evening he comes home from work, takes a shower then says he's off to their house, he says she needs him again. The funny thing is (other than the fact that me and my boys need him home too) that he never had much to do with his cousin or the cousin's younger sister until this accident happened. They basically saw each other once a year at a birthday party. Now all of a sudden he is her savior and rescuer when she is over there crying? He goes over there around 6:30pm and doesn't come home until midnight or after sometimes. How much comforting could she need? He insists that her parents are in the livingroom and that he is either sitting on her bed holding her while she cries, or in the kitchen talking to her parents.

I called over there to ask when he was coming home. I needed him home - my grandmother was put in the hospital and not doing well and I needed my husband! He was very snappy with me on the phone and said he would get home when he got home. I don't know what to do.

I have tried to talk calmly with him at home and tell him that I respect him wanting to be there for his relatives but that sometimes we'd like a little of his time too. He has been going over there every day for a month, spending hours over there and we have two little boys at home. He refuses to talk about it. His response was, "Don't worry about what I'm doing."

Answer 1

Im gonna be blunt here. He sounds like a pedophile predator taking advantage of a 17 year old girl who may have no clue what he is up to.

Be mad at me if you want but that is exactly how it looks.

Answer 2

That is very strange. We've had deaths in our family and I think he's gone way overboard. Just so you know, a crisis can trigger an emotional feeling between two people that can be built upon. A young 17-yr. old is very vulnerable and impressionable. It's not healthy or fair if something occurs and it's possible bc of the emotions/dependency involved.

Your husband needs to be home with you and the boys!!! If the girl needs "comforting," it should be with clergy or a professional counselor - period. Enough is enough.

I read your additional remarks - he's treating you all like crap! Ugh!

Do This: Get a sitter one night and don't tell him. Then about 8 or 9 pm drive over to the house and knock on the door. See what's going on. If he gets mad, you know he was planning some private time later with the girl - I hope he's not taking advantage of her!

Answer 3

He may be looking at this as a way to get close to his family, something he wanted before but didn't know how to do. Maybe he's getting off on feeling so needed. We all like to feel needed now and then. Surely it won't go on much longer. Be patient. Hold out a little while. Don't give him the third degree when he gets home, or make him feel guilty. That might push him away. When he gets home, say, "Do you have any left for me? 'Cuz now I need you too. I'm glad you're home." And give him a hug. No need to discuss his night at the cousin's house again though. Start telling him about your grandmother's condition. Remember, he'll probably be emotionally drained from being over there, so don't expect more than he can give. But if he's not there for you tomorrow, I'd say he's really crossing the line.

How about tonight you say you want to invite the cousins over for dinner this weekend?

Hang in there sweetie. I know you're upset. I would be too. It'll be okay.

Answer 4

First of all, you need to remind him that it takes two to have a marriage. Second, I can understand that the passing of a relative can be hard on a family, but this girl needs to get out of the house and stop depending on your hubby. Yes, she's part of the family too, but you are his immediate family. Just to see whats really going on and his reaction I would ask to accompany him over to her house one night. Leave the kids with a sitter or with grandma and grandpa for the weekend and go see what all the fuss is about. You are husband and wife, you ought to spend some time together every now and then, without the kids.
If he declines your company, ask him why. You have just as much sympathy as he does. If he still refuses, then sit him down and talk to him. You need to find out whats going on. If talking gets no where, then I'd suggest a marriage counselor. Good luck and my prayers are with you.

Answer 5

This is unusual actions. I understand if he was there for her in the beginning as that could be hard on anybody. I would talk to him about this. But you have to be very careful about how you approach this situation. Don't come at him with the attitude that he is already sleeping with her. Start asking questions about the cousin. Act as if you are concerned as much as he is since he is going over there so much. Then try to invite yourself to help or just go over there as it is your family too. His reaction to the additional help should give you a pretty good sign as to what is going on. I would not sit and idle on this, be proactive about this situation. Hope all goes well.

Answer 6

wooah, this doesn't sound right. They are cousins by blood, correct? I hate to say it, but I'd be suspicious...
Have you offered to go with him and bring your boys along, too? This is family, so I don't see why you all wouldn't be welcome.
Also, why would a 17-year-old want to hang out with a 31-year-old night after night for a month? Yes, she's grieving, but I wouldn't even want my own sister at my house comforting me THAT much!
I can only say what I would do... I would inform him that his compassion for his young cousin is causing his own family hardships and sorrow. I'd also let him know that I wasn't going to support an absent husband/father anymore. For my, I'd give him the choice between his cousin or his family. It's ridiculous to me gone that often and until that late at night!

Answer 7

I think that you husband is doing an act of kindness by being there for them while they grieve. But, it has been a month already, and he doesn't have to be there every day of the week. He could call them to see if they are okay or if they need something. He also needs to let them grieve by themselves too. What he is doing is good, but he should also be at home with you and your boys too.

Not sure what is really going on until you go with him to their house if that will make you feel better. So, just go with him and see for yourself. Ask them how they are doing and comfort them too.

He shouldn't be there all the time, because his priorities should be you and the boys. Could it also be that you are just overreacting here?

Answer 8

IF HE IS YOYR "HUSBAND" AT ALL.

It's so sad that his cousin died, but you are still ALIVE here and you should be his first priority whatever what.

Sure, help her with her ever needs, but why in the hell you have to stay with her till midnight? It's very understandable that she has a very huge grief, but this is life's way, you like it or not.

Someone dies everyday. She has to handle it by herself, because this is what life is about. You have to deal with it and actually, nobody can help you with that completely. Unfortunately, it's very personal and sacred way to understand life and death.

I can understand her, because she is devastaiting about her husband's deth, but your husband? No. He should help and you should help, but he must stand by his family and never snap on you. Explain, bring your wife with you, but never cut your family from this metter.

So, what is he doing there? Comforting himself by trying to cry about his incomplete life? Do you have problems and now he sees his way out???

What will he say if something happened with his own child tomorrow when he was comforting his cousin's wife? "Oh, sorry, I didn't know it'll happen????" Hello, dude, you should think about it before anything else!

Everything has its limits.

Help, without harming your own alive family. Otherwise it's more harm here than help.
If you do not care about your own family, how can you be so concern about others death? Where is your heart?

Wait a second, do you have any husbad at all????

Gosh, I had check your questions here, in Yahoo, you are fake...

Answer 9

1) It sounds like you're in need of a reality check. Your husband's cousin died, and regardless of how close they were NOW, they WERE family. The fact that he's trying to support his cousin is amazing, and I'm surprised you're not more supportive. While you and your family also need him, this won't go on forever.

2) Have you COMMUNICATED with him about how you feel? Before you take the role of victim and how terrible he's treated you with his absence, if you haven't taken the time to have an actual discussion with him, you can't really complain yet. Take some time and talk with him--a good talk. And remember to listen and not interrupt.

Answer 10

Leaving is often an option yet purely one you won't be able to arise with the money for to take. i do not recognize what you anticipate any persons to say you've been residing with this for 18 years and now you opt for propose through leaving isn't an option. Counseling - why would he pass for that? Separation - oh that is component of leaving call for respect and dignity - nicely it may well be a replace after 18 years - attempt it....do you've an ace up your sleeve? My pricey you've painted your self right into a nook you ought to get out of - somewhat of reducing off starting you ought to seem in any respect opportunities and pass from there. He sounds like a infantile controlling insecure boob...go away him, attempt to regulate to adapt to him, attempt to regulate him, strive against it, stay with it or .....