2nd time : I made a stupid mistake and tried to convince husband to swing and now he wants to DIVORCE me.?

Question

PLEASE NEED SANE ADVICE!
I've been married 3 times, 18 ,& 21 both ended within a year both went open almost immediately & well as they say it all down hill from there.
Meet an married a wonderful man who made me feel good about myself as a woman and really have been happy and solid marriage for 12 years as of 1/1/2007 . Now heres where the stupidity comes to play I suggested we try and swing for a year before we have kids & enjoy life for a time. He said no after allot of convincing & arm twisting he agreed to go to a party.
Well we was hit on almost immediately, Husband got violent and beat up 3 men & took me ( he's not violent person) home, next morning told me he was getting divorced! Went to marriage counselor in alternative life style, & she side he said NO & I should have dropped it & only 1out of 6 couples get anything from swinging & have lead to 2 divorces out of 8 !
Well I want my husband & marriage to work he really share his life with me! I wont cheat & want him only Him ..

LET'S GET SOMETHING STRAIGHT!!!
My husband is more man than I can really handle at times, Incredible Generous in bed and more then meets my needs!!!
He's younger by almost 8 years and gives me more then I can handle at times.HE'S PERFECT!
He tells me he love's me everyday, speaks respectfully to me, holds my hand, walks talks to me helps me with insecurity's issue's, Makes dinner every night and does dishes and house work and always look to improve our life together till I did something stupid and ask him to swing!
Truth is I wanted to watch him have sex with another woman and silently brag enjoy it because he's mine all mine! YES HE'S THAT GOOD. Now I've made a mess of thing after counseling I found out a woman grabbed his crotch and that started the fight! he said it's not right to separate sex from love in marriage and I should not have asked!
I want my husband, I know I screwed up I need HELPFUL suggestion's to let him know I LOVE HIM only HIM!!! PLEASE HELP, PLEASE!

Went to marriage counseling again this afternoon husband got up real EARLY and worked until it was time to go and had a great day and then dinner tonight he then had to finish a system but called and wished me a happy Valentines not more then 10 min. ago.

counseling is helping with allot of issues but I have also found out that husband really LOVES me but was really hurt at everything and could not believe that I brought it up!
Counselor also said something that blow my mind that all in all all swapping really does is benifit people who only have emothinial attachments over the long run.
She said you would not believe children of parent's who find out about swinging parents it creates emothional instublity almost for the rest of there live if found out before age 16.
Also found out that the marriage percentage of surviving go way down and that 1 couple out of nine will make it past a year!

{LOOK for Carry over please, too much information for one set of detail's}

But my husband said something that hit the mark "did I want someone the be a F*** buddy or someone to grow old with and enjoy a good life with, someone to take care me should something go wrong, he told me he would be there for me!
But he then said should we swing why would he want to be with me if I got sick, when he could just as easily find another f*** buddy to take my place! At that time counselors interjected and said you would not believe how many spouse's do just that after one gets I"LL in "LIFESTYLE".

I got real scared after that and told husband that I loved him and was looking toward future and I would never ever make a stupid mistake like that one again, and still wanted to have a family with him that we have the reasorces and both have our own buienesess ( he repairs Electronis, build computers and networks) I run a financial and insurance business (agent) from home!!!

I would truly hope people learn from mistake I made and would like helpful suggestion only please.

Answer 1

My wife and I have been in the swinging lifestyle for several years, and I can unequivocally tell you that your therapist is wrong with her stats. Very wrong. At least there is an air of truthiness to it, but not the truth.

First, the only couples a marriage counselor sees is those in trouble. Couples with happy, stable marriages don't go to marriage counseling. So yes, in her personal experience counseling couples on the verge of divorce, maybe in two out of eight divorces she sees the couple tried swinging. What she isn't telling you though is that these same couples had major issues before they started swinging and was using it as a bandage to try to stop the hemorrhaging of their already crappy marriage. Well, it didn't, and swinging ended-up being blamed for the the demise of their marriage, not the real issues.

These are the couples that try to "fix" their relationship by foolhardily thinking that having sex with others will change the fact they don't don't like each other for other reasons.

From being in the lifestyle I can factually state that the divorce rate amongst swingers is far less then the national average. Far, far less. In the years we've been in the lifestyle we've only known two couples to get divorces and it wasn't over swinging. They had issues coming into it, and again, were using swinging to "fix" their relationship.

Some facts from a 2000 survey of swingers done by Bellamine University:

"Among swingers, is there a relationship between swinging and marital happiness? Two questions on the survey – one which asked about their relationships before swinging and the other about them after swinging – are cross-tabulated in Table 15. As the data shows, 62.6% of swingers found that swinging improved their marriages/relationships, 35.6% said their relationships stayed about the same, and only 1.7% said they became less happy. Even among those who said their marriages were "Very Happy" prior to swinging nearly half (49.7%) said they became happier. Among those with the most unhappy marriages 90.4% said their relationship became happier after swinging. It appears that, at least among the sample of swingers used in this research, swinging tends to improve the perceived quality of the couples' marriages regardless of how satisfying it was before swinging."

So swinging, done between the right people for the right reasons, will not harm a relationship and will for all intensive purposes, make it better.

But, done for the wrong reasons, or between the wrong people it can be disastrous.

Which, your hubby definitely isn't cut-out for it. He is obviously the jealous sort and can't emotionally handle other men thinking his wife is hot. He's insecure and jealous. That's not your fault. This is his issue.

What was your fault was coercing him into it. This is another one of the big reasons some couples have problems. One member of the couple is coercing, convincing, or manipulating the other into doing it against their will. Which is what you did with your hubby.

The way I see it, you have to think of others besides yourself (because what you did was totally selfish and at his expense), and he has to grow-up, let go, and get over himself. Jealousy will kill your relationship in the long run. A wise man once said "Jealousy, the dragon that slays love under the pretense of keeping it alive." If he continues to be this jealous and insecure, it will eventually wear on you and you'll want out. This is just the beginning of this behavior for him. It's all down hill from here unless he fixes himself first.

The point here is don't blame swinging... It was you two, not the situation. Believe me, if he beat-up three guys for thinking you're hot at a swingers party, well he'd of done it sooner or later in another situation. It was just a matter of time.

Answer 2

Right off your #1 mistake is most people haven't a clue to what swinging is really about, to some who have dabbled in it or a one time show think it is all about the sex, or worse yet swingers are looking for sex with others because their partner isn't doing something right. You understand the wrong you did by more or less forcing your husband into something he was unwilling to participate in in the first place. Being honest with him about how sorry you are for everything is the first and biggest step. The rest will be a day to day sincerity on your part as to how much you love him. Given time and patience he will see you for the woman he loves and married.

Answer 3

you blew it. didn't the first two open marriages teach you anything? the fact that you want to swing is an indication that you will always be looking for more than what you have and need extra attention. you claim you were happy, but you seem to have been in fear of losing intimacy in the long run. the fact that you did not marry a man with like interest would indicate that you want to control the access to this type of lifestyle. what did you mean by...enjoy life for a time before having kids? sounds like you see kids as an end to a lifestyle, not the beginning of a family. no trust no relationship and you broke it. free your mind and your a** will follow...but not necessarily another person.

Answer 4

NOTE: YOU'VE BEEN MARRIED 3 TIMES!

Asking to swing isn't healthy in any kind of relationship. Why the hell did you get married in the first place? You're only supposed to have one man, YOUR HUSBAND for the rest of your life! Is it that complicated? You need to stay the hell away from marriage after this smart guy divorces you. Here's a helpful suggestion, keep going to counseling and stay away from marriage!!!!!!!!

Answer 5

Ok...This is the longest question in history. From what I understand you regret your choice now? Well the only thing that you can do now is move forward and see if you can as a couple get past this. It seems like right from the beginning you should have told him that you just wanted to add another woman and not another man. Most men cannot handle sharing their wives, EVER. Be honest with him tell him how you feel and continue with the therapy. Hopefully this will not ruin your marriage and you and he can move past this.

Answer 6

It sounds like you are wanting this to work but you must understand how uncomfortable this was for him. He being your husband does not want to share you with anyone..which is understandable I am sure you know. He has agreed to counseling which should be a good sign for you..that he is willing to work on this. You must understand that he wants you and only you. Most women would kill for a man like this. Do not give another woman the opportunity. You may can separate sex and love but another woman or even your husband may not be able to. Playing with this is like playing with fire...you know it is hot and draws you in even knowing you can get burned. Continue counseling with your hubby and stay clear of the sex parties or any threesome for that matter. You have a good man and I know you realize that...keep him before it is too late..good luck to you!

Answer 7

You have got to be the dumbest woman on the planet. To have your husband sleep with another woman to prove to the world that he does you the right way is stupid. And to think this is only your third marraige, who would have guessed. You clearly do not know what "forsake all others" met in the marriage vows. If he did all these wonderful things for you why would you want to rock the boat.
I have a small theory about women. They need something to be wrong in a relationship for them to be happy with it. Sounds like you had it pretty perfect with this guy. Thats one check on the true side of the theory.

Answer 8

It sounds like you are on the right track with counseling. Just keep apologizing to him and tell him that you sincerely made a mistake suggesting it. And that you have no intention of ever bringing it up again and want to make your marriage work. Like I said before, you need to let him calm down and let things blow over. Good luck!

Answer 9

yes that was a very stupid mistake...your husband probably thought that you weren't satisfied with him when you asked him to swing....and you should have dropped the subject after he already told you no. you should NEVER push someone ( especially someone you love ) to do something they obviously don't want any part of. and I may be old fashioned ( even though i'm only 26) but, there should never be a third party invited into a marriage. that just invites all kinds of problems in the marriage. you are only supposed to be each others. once you said " I do" that was it...no one else is supposed to be in that marriage bed, or any other bed with either of you. you belong to each other only. I wouldn't want anyone to enjoy my hubby. I would look at it like "he's all mine, and i have him all to myself" that in itself is special. you get to spend the rest of your lives with each other....and no one else will get to know, how truely wonderful both of you are. be glad he chose you to spend the rest of his life with. you are the one he picked. out of all the other women in this world he chose YOU. anyway, I hope you get all your problems worked out, and I hope I haven't been rambling...which is something I tend to do...have a great life together, and just enjoy each other. God bless

Answer 10

After that long long list of your perfect husband, I still don;t get it, how can you do such a thing?
Trust is something hard to find ONCE IT'S LOST, IT'S LOST FOREVER.
I just hope it is not too late for you to make amends.
Anyway, try your luck. Cry if you can and show him your sincere apology.