spousal abuse?

Question

My daughter is considering going back with her live-in boyfriend. He verbally and physically abused her. She changed the locks on her home and her kicked her doors in. They have a 1-year-old son together. I think he is wanting to get back together with her because he has no place to go. I am deathly afraid for her and for my grandson. I have told her how I feel; once a man abuses a woman, he will abuse her again and again, etc., etc. She seems to think it is alcohol that makes him act like he does and she doesn't think he has been drinking lately. How do I make her realize she is making a mistake, not only for herself, but for her son.

Answer 1

Knowing children, they would want to go on independently. Convince her about her mistake and about her son's future, this could mean their lives. Convince her to find somebody else, someone who will treat her and her son right.Once an abuser, always an abuser. Just because he is sober, doesnt mean he is okay. Men like that have personal problems. And what if he soon has somewhere else to go? He'll get back to his foolish ways.

A man's personal illness is his own private territory; and no matter how much he wants your daughter and how close they want to be, she'll remain an outsider. She'll just get hurt.

Answer 2

Mom, you can't. As much as you want to, as much as you will try and prevent it from happening...you have to realize that she is grown and this is her life now. I know it's hard. I know that it's not a place any parent wants their child to be. And I'm speaking from your daughter's perspective. I survived years of abuse at the hands of my husband and no matter what my mother, sisters and friends all said, I stuck with him. Not because I needed him, but because there was also another side to him. A side that wasn't abusive. A side that was loving and giving and the way he was with our children melted my heart. I did however, reach a point where I said "No More". And I did this on my own. I literally had enough and threw him out. Everyone has a breaking point. Your daughter does too. You know her, you raised her and you have to have enough faith in her to make her own decisions mom. Even if it's killing you. Instead of giving her reasons why not to go back, why not try giving her alternatives to end the abuse. Abuse isn't caused by drinking, drinking is used to cover an anger problem..and there's alot more to it than that. Alot of times, these men that do these things, don't even realize the hurt and the pain they cause until it's too late. If your daughter sees something in him worth keeping, then help her focus on how to bring that out in him all the time. Be supportive, until it's absolutely necessary for you to step in. And by that, I mean, if he's totally controlling her, if he tries to isolate her from her friends and family, if the abuse is extreme, etc.

I know this isn't what you wanted to hear, but honey, I'm a grown woman now with a daughter of my own off at college who has had her share of boyfriends that were less than worthy. But, after all I went through, I raised her to speak her mind. I encouraged her to voice her opinion and live life the way she envisioned...not the way someone was making her. In doing so, those unworthy boyfriends she came across didn't last long. Because she, too, had a breaking point. My best advice to you would be to be there for your daughter. Encourage her strength, don't point out her weaknesses and downfalls. Empower her to say "NO!" And you'll be surprised as to how much less she tolerates and how much more she'll stand up for herself. But please, and I can't stress this enough,,,,please don't hesitate to step in if you see if going too far. Look for the warning signs and always be there at a moments notice. She may be grown, but she is still your baby and she will always need her mother.

Answer 3

Take her to an Abused Women's shelter and let her talk to women who trusted an abusive man more than they should have. Talk to her and convince her that her decisions don't only affect her, but the baby as well. She needs to realize she's making excuses for the man's behavior and trying to justify it in her mind. He needs anger management help, and if it is in deed alcohol causing his issues, she should demand he go to substance abuse counseling or rehab to prove he is trying to be a better person BEFORE she lets him back in. Being concerned for your daughter and grandson, you should talk to the man yourself and let him know where you stand. He needs to know that there are laws against his behavior and if he should get out of line again, you will not hesitate to get involoved and take any necessary action against him.

Answer 4

You can't see it for her, she has to see it for herself. It takes some women longer to acknowledge the terrible situation they are in. Some never see it, just keep making excuses for him. My daughter is the same way, last year at Christmas we had to go and replace her front screen door as well as get her new chairs for her dinette set because he destroyed every thing in his temper tantrum, she even called his Dad to come remove him from the home. He returned when income tax time came around and has been a regular pain in the ****, but I am through helping and replacing and really listening to it. She knows he has an anger problem, she knows he can hurt her mentally as well as physically and she knows he can terrify the kids, yet for every time she calls crying and complaining she gives him one more chance. From all I have heard, when she has had enough of him she will get rid of him for good, until then I just hope and pray those babies are safe.

Answer 5

It's unfortunate that we all learn our lessons the hard way. My mother couldn't tell me those things either. I was one of the few lucky ones that lived.

Do an intervention. Call a womens shelter and ask them if they would allow You and your daughter to visit. Go as a volenteers taking cakes or clothes. Let your daughter see and hear first hand about how many times those women went back to their men; only to find that it was only worse than before.

Answer 6

Get a restraining order on him to keep him out of your house. You might also sue for custody of your grandson. Those 2 things may help her to realize how serious this is, but there's nothing you can do directly to stop her from moving in with him.

Answer 7

police or talk to her boyfriend and try to get something out of him