No judgement, just advice, please. I have been married for almost 3 years. Not even 5 months into the marriage I had sex with a "friend". My hubby doesn't know, but knows that around that time I was very close to leaving because I had started evaluating why I really got married. Not long after that I got pregnant (by hubby) so decided to shut up and try to make things work for the baby. Had the baby, he's a great dad and a wonderful person. A few months ago I met a guy at work and we have become very close, he probably knows more about me than my husband. He is also married and has a small child. I talk to hubby, he doesn't listen or is so comfy where he is he doesn't really try even after I try talking about our relationship. An example, work guy said happy valentine's day to me today, hubby didn't. Work guy and I have been together once in person, many times on net. we want to do things sexually our partners refuse to do. neither wants to ruin the other's relationship. help?
2007-02-14
13:43:59
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15 answers
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asked by
meh
2
in
Family & Relationships
➔ Marriage & Divorce
We both love our families, but are both lacking in our relationships. We have both spoken to our partners on many occasions about our problems, I have told hubby I was thinking about leaving recently, still he doesn't want to work on it. I will not hurt my daughter and I will not hurt work guy's daughter! Work guy's wife has not had sex with him in months (maybe tonight he got some, and I'd actually be happy for him because I truly care about him), my hubby won't do anything more than missionary or me on top. Work guy and I both want to do so many different things, should we?
2007-02-14
13:47:30 ·
update #1
I would not leave my husband for this other person. I would never expect him to leave his wife. I love my husband as my best friend, I don't know if I love him as my lover. I got married to get married and to have a family, I thought it would make me happy. I have had depression and low self esteem my entire life and have always looked to external forces to make me happy, when I know that won't help. I was unattractive growing up, I now get lots of male attention, it makes me feel good, and wanted, and that shouldn't matter because I'm married to someone who loves and wants me. I am not looking for justification, and I don't need judgement because I judge myself and my decisions every minute. Yes, I love my husband, no, I do not love myself, I try to fill that void with "love" from others. There's an epiphany for you.
2007-02-14
14:03:04 ·
update #2
I will ALWAYS put my daughter's needs and happiness before my own. If that means I'm not happy, so be it. She knows without a doubt that mommy and daddy both love her to pieces, we do not fight in front of her, we are friends.
I recently told my husband (after many talks about us being in an unhappy marriage) that I was thinking of cheating. His response was to be upset, yet say "whatever makes you happy". I have also told him that he is welcome to sleep with other women (carefully, of course). We have spoken about "swinging", but I really don't think now is the time to do it.
2007-02-14
14:36:31 ·
update #3
No judgement - agreed. I guess I Would start with the fact that I am concerned for you. You seem lost and unhappy, and that's a horrible way to life, esepcially when there are children involved. I will tell you this, that you should probably get involved with some counseling to find out why you make emotionally intimate relationships outside of your marriage, as opposed to either investing in your marriage or leaving. That can be a real trap, and to live with dishonesty is a hard way to live. It sounds like this is about your decision to get married in the first place, probably feeling trapped, almost resentful that you got pregnant because you felt obligated to try to make it work, and now you still don't feel a connection. You cheating on your husband doesn't mean is a bad man or a bad father. Cheating usually has to do with the person that does the cheating, and that's something to work out with the help of a counselor/therapist.... that way you can make sure you don't get yourself into a similar situation in the next relationship you are in, or if you called off the affair tomorrow, likelihood of having another soon would be high without the help of a professional.
2007-02-14 13:54:12
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answer #1
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answered by helper_for_life16 2
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First of all, you have a child and a husband.
You can be a great mother, a great friend to your husband, but being a good wife is something that needs to be worked on.
Marriage is a package deal: mother to family and wife to husband under vow.
Quit comparing what your spouse does and doesnt do to other guys. If you love the guy, make the effort to work on keeping the marriage interesting and together, infidelity is just throwing the whole vow-thing down the drain.
Ask yourself if you truly love your husband, love comes hand to hand with honesty in a relationship.
When you go to talk to guys online and think fo having sex with them, do you still love your husband?
To go outside of the marriage in temrs of infeidelity to compensate for something not in the marriage is a cop out, work on building on what it lacks, express the strength of two is needed to keep it strong.
2007-02-14 13:52:59
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answer #2
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answered by ? 7
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Stop talking to other men! You want to stay in the relationship with your husband so you need to work things out. By comparing him to other men, you'll only feel more disappointed. You husband also has to put in some effort. Saving your marriage does not fall only on your shoulders. You need to send the baby to grandma's for a week and reconcile with your husband. Tell him what is really important to you (and everythign isn't important, prioritize) and let him know that you need him to do what is important. If you need more affection, show him more. So he didn't say happy valentine's day... sounds like you didn't say it to him either. If you had, he probably would have said it right back. If you want flowers, make him understand how flowers are special by giving him some randomly as an act of affection. Don't nag. If you want him to do something, ask him if he can do it for you by a certain time. For example, "Honey, could you please fix the closet door for me by Sunday? It is really bothering me. If you don't have time, let me know instead of just saying that you'll fix it and then don't. I can always call a handyman."
Share some intmacy with your husband. Go on date nights. Take him out to dinner and talk the entire time about hopes and desires. You sound as if you need to reconnect with each other. And for the love of god, stop running off to other men. They aren't your husband and they won't make your relationship with your husband any better.
2007-02-14 14:26:26
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answer #3
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answered by stampadhesive 2
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First of all, the work guy is having sex with his wife. Thats a classic lie that men tell their prospective mistresses. Its a lie!
Second of all, if u dont want to hurt anybody, then why are u even considering seeing this fella on any other terms than friendship?
If u arent happy at home and neither is he, then both of you need to leave your partners and after the divorce, see what develops between u. But only after you both are divorced.
If you cheat (AGAIN), u will regret it. You are lucky u still have your hubby by your side and he hasnt found out about the first affair.
Dont cheat again. If u want out, get out. He doesnt deserve that and you are cheating him out of being with someone who truly loves him by staying with him.
Let him go to find someone who will be faithful to him. If you are not willing to be faithful, then let him go and u go chase whatever dream it is u feel ur missing out on.
2007-02-14 13:56:55
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answer #4
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answered by Truth Teller 5
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You know the answer to the question no you shouldn't.. For a few reasons... What if you do and your feelings grow stronger and his don't he is staying with his wife and you left because you "love him" then you realize how much you truly cared about you hubby... Or the other way around... And if you just thinking well we could just have sex and no one needs to know.. Yea right that never works out does it.. you need to figure out if you are leaving your husband or not and he needs to do the same then see where it goes.. Remember... THE GRASS IS NOT ALWAYS GREENER ON THE OTHER SIDE!!!!!
2007-02-14 13:51:45
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answer #5
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answered by BLONDE BEAUTY 4
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You have low esteem, because you know you are not being a moral person. You are lying, and cheating, and playing with the lives of others, to try to fill your own selfish void. The solution is obvious: Quit focusing on yourself, and start caring more about the husband and child that you committed yourself to. If you cant stop yourself from being so incredibly selfish, you should give your husband your lovers wife's phone number, so they can pick up the peices of the lives you two are going to shatter. Who knows, maybe THEY could hit it off.
2007-02-14 14:07:31
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answer #6
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answered by Erin 3
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You said you love your husband.
SAY WHAT YOU MEAN AND MEAN WHAT YOU SAY.
You can't have both. Be content with your husband. No one is perfect. Even though you trade your husband with your lover, there's no guarrantte that you will end up living happily ever after. As a matter of fact, there's a million of people who in an unfulfilled marriage, filed divorce and get remarried with their lovers but the truth of the matter is, they ended up having miserable lives and the sad part of the story is the innocent children suffers.
IF YOU THINK THAT YOU DIDN'T MARRY THE RIGHT MAN, THEN JUST BE THE RIGHT WOMAN, FOR YOUR CHILDREN'S SAKE.
2007-02-14 14:26:33
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answer #7
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answered by dtmc542006 3
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**met a guy at work and we have become very close, he probably knows more about me than my husband.
That sentence speaks volumes about why you should have never married the man your with now in the first place. You slept with one guy and are about to sleep with another so why stay married? If things don't work out with the guy your chatting with now, you will just find somebody else to replace him. I suggest you both get a divorce and start a life on your own together.
** Well, then go have wild unihibited sex with the guy and be done with it. Counseling might be a good idea as well.
2007-02-14 13:51:41
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answer #8
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answered by Anonymous
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If your husband was having affair how would you feel.
Don't destroy the other guys marriage,If you want to play the field than get a divorce as what you are doing will lead you into a liar & cheater which will stay with you for the rest of your life.You have a child set an examble for her or him Sorry there is no other answer to your delema. Play it straight.Talk it out with your husband or leave.
2007-02-14 14:11:57
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answer #9
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answered by Anonymous
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Your relationship with "work guy" is based on sexual attraction and not on a long-term commitment. You married your husband and owe it to yourself and your marriage to try to make it work. Please go for marriage counseling and insist that your husband go with you. If he refuses, go by yourself to help you decide what you should do. But don't complicate your life with an affair. Either work on the marriage or get a divorce and then confine your relationships to other unmarried people. You'll think more of yourself in the process so you won't have to tell people not to judge you.
2007-02-14 13:55:47
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answer #10
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answered by Yo' Mama 4
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