your beauty shines bright
on a shiny day
or on this lightless night
Thinking about you I am dreaming away
When I first saw you
I knew I had found the one
My love for you instantly grew
And my life had finally begun
And the day when we apart
My long emotions for love betrayed me
I felt the sorrow with a broken heart
And my heart drifted away on a never ending sea
Now I know what love brings
True sadness and the heavy winds
2007-02-14 12:41:26 · 7 answers · asked by ???????????????? 1 in Education & Reference ➔ Teaching
It's a 14-line poem but it's not a sonnet. Simply having alternate rhyme patterns does not create a "poem." Rhymes are easy. The challenge is to also follow a metric pattern and rhythm. A sonnet has a very rigid structure.
If you simply want to write a poem without following the rules for a sonnet, you could improve on what you've written already. The cadence of this is awkward, it does not flow. Also, some of the grammar does not make sense: "my long emotions for love"?? And you repeat "shines" and "shiny" in the first sentence. Your heart is in the right place bu it needs work. You have a good basic outline -- now work on honing it, giving your emotions rhythm and power. If you really love the person for whom you wrote it, they deserve your best effort. Read good poems by famous writers and you'll get a feel for the real power of carefully written verse.
For example, a reworking of the basic idea of your first verse, tightening the rhythm and meter:
Your beauty moves me, shining bright
upon the summer's clearest day
or glowing in the lightless night
as, dreamingly, I drift away...
Hear the difference?
This is an honest, constructive evaluation. If you only posted the poem because you were fishing for compliments you'll ignore the advice, right? But I think you're hoping to make it better.
2007-02-14 13:18:05 · answer #1 · answered by c_kayak_fun 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Aren't your lines to short, sonnets are supposed to have a certain amount of syllables in each line. The ninth line is supposed to be a question or problem of some sort and the final line should be the solution. I learned that last year, that's William Shakespeare style. Don't get me wrong it's really good.
2007-02-14 20:45:28 · answer #2 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Nice job. It's tough to stay in the rhyme scheme of a Shakespearean Sonnet.
2007-02-14 20:46:32 · answer #3 · answered by Ron P 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I love it! It is perfect for Valentine's Day. I think it is beautiful, but don't you mean "part" instead of "apart" in stanza 3?
2007-02-14 20:47:02 · answer #4 · answered by confused brunette 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
its so good to create that kind of sonnet actually.......i made also a poem (5)......good....r u hopeless with love?
2007-02-14 20:52:28 · answer #5 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
i love it!! i think it's beautiful... i'm a writer too, and i think it's just wonderful!!
2007-02-14 20:45:15 · answer #6 · answered by hglkhfdkjghds 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
really good
2007-02-14 20:51:01 · answer #7 · answered by canada2010 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋