my husband cheated 18 months ago will i ever trust him again?

Question

18 months ago my husband cheated on me his mum had died a few weeks before and it messed him up he got really drunk one night and slept with someone and because i have always said i would leave him if he cheated on me he left me and our 2 children for this woman, he was gone less than a week when he phoned me and said he had made a mistake and he missed me and the kids so he came back, the other woman made things difficult for a while but we got through it, it has been the hardest thing ive ever had to do the hurt and betrayal was unbearable it has got easier but it still hurts and i wonder if it will always hurt and will i ever trust him fully he doesnt do anything to make me think hes cheating but im always suspicious, will it ever get easier

Answer 1

when we are betrayed it seems we never quite see him as we once did, it does get easier but its something that never seems to get forgotten, were always wondering when he will do it again. most of the time it's not that we don't still love that person anymore, that causes the split but afraid of the same happening all over again to us. we don't like to invest in things we don't trust. and once trust is broken it is often difficult to get it back again.

Answer 2

He is going to have to EARN your trust back and he has to be willing to do it. I just recently found out that my husband cheated on me as well, on January 1, 2007. What a way to bring in the New Year. It was the most devistating thing that I have ever been through. I haven't trusted him in a long, long, long time so after he cheated that was the final straw. We are still together and I am hoping to work through this and have a lifelong marriage, but it is hard.

You are always going to have "is he cheating" in the back of your mind because I know I do. But you will run yourself rugged if you try to keep up with every little thing he does when you guys are not together. If you have made the choice to stay with him, try to avoid throwing the fact that he cheated up in his face. I know it's hard to do, trust me, I'm still having a hard time keeping my mouth shut, but if you don't he will end up leaving for good because he won't be able to take all the pressure. Either that, or you will eventually end up leaving because you are just too hurt.

Try to think of positive things, and think back on the good times that you and him had together (if there were any). I do believe that any marriage can be restored with lots of effort. I mean, there is never any excuse for cheating. Drunk, mad, death in the family ... it doesn't matter. Don't make excuses for him and don't let him make excuses. Let's say you decide to go out and cheat on him now. Could you use the excuse that you were so hurt behind him cheating? I mean, that's silly. The excuses could go on forever.

Good Luck and May God Bless!

Answer 3

Men who have children and don't wish to become "weekend" fathers are more likely to take the cheating wife back. This would be even more likely when the man has much to lose financially. It is possible he may have to move out of the marital home but still pay half of the costs plus alimony until the children reach legal age. This does not mean he would trust his wife again. He may possibly only be going through the motions of marraige for the childrens sake. Your own experiences show that your wife had very little respect for you or your children. Her selfish ego determined how she chose to live her life.

Answer 4

Forgive but you never forget. Remember quick denials will keep the past in your future....Love can hurt but your self confidence has been shattered. He needs to be responsible for his actions at all times right or wrong. He needs to acknowledge and really understand what it did to you. He would be able to help you then build that trust again. You could show him how love can be the only thing he has in this world....not making drunk whoopy. Your kids need a better example of a father and husband to you. You may have to take the responsibility and be strong to be free of the lack of trust. You deserve to be happy eitherway. Please don't go thru life being unsure.

Answer 5

Like yourself, in my case, I heard all the common excuses. For the kids and possibly the convenience, I convinced myself to reconcile and eventually developed a new sense of trust. However, some leopards can't change there spots, and three years later I learned the hard way that she had a standing relationship with another man. I hope it doesn't happen to you, but the pain the second time is just as bad if not worse as the first.

Answer 6

Short answer - maybe.

Two weeks after I was married, my husband left for a tour of duty in Iraq. He cheated on me with a clerk - they were an "item" for the entire duration of his tour - he was even investigated for his indiscretions, as a married man. Apparently, after a disagreement, she contacted me - he swore he hadn't had any further contact with her, but that was, of course, a lie. One of his colleagues contacted me and told me everything! He has been home for over a year, but to this DAY, they are in contact via email, and phone. He's not aware that I know his email access and phone bills - I am tired of being flat-out lied to, so I save the emails and phone bills for when I'm financially ready to consult an attorney.

It's insulting. However, if you issue an ultimatum such as you have - you had BETTER be prepared to do what you said you'd do... otherwise, like me... you will live with a deep-seated mistrust for a VERY long time.

Better yet ---- have an affair of your OWN! Cheaters have no empathy and are self-serving in general. If he had to live with the same mistrust and pain that his indiscretions have caused YOU, believe me... he'd keep his pants on next time.

And PLEASE do not enable or excuse this poor judgement on his part but dismissing it, "due to his mom's passing, which really freaked him out". Whatever. There are more effective ways to deal with grief than sleeping with a woman who is NOT your wife! His justification is simply inexcusable. If this is the way he handles life's stresses .... I'd watch very closely the next time the dog dies, a car wreck happens, a bill is due, or the kids get a bad grade!

Obviously, I'm being facetious. The point is: his grief didn't drive him to do anything so bone-headed... his POOR JUDGEMENT DID. He owes you an explanation.... not a lame excuse!

Best of luck to you. Go to couples counseling.

Answer 7

It always hurts to find your loved one cheated on you. Yes it was a hard time and yes he got drunk but he still left you for a week. You took him back that is the start of trusting him again. I think you will be able to trust him again just work hard on being with each other making it known that you love each other. and also make it known if it does happen again that you will leave him. one time is enough the 2nd time is too much and he would keep doin it. I think he has learned his leason. My dad cheated on my mom after 20 some odd years of marriage and she took him back after 2 or 3 mths. she is still tryin to get to the trusting part again but she is working on it. good luck.

Answer 8

as long as this was the only incident that occurred then you will get over it. i wouldnt expect you to forget about it, but your relationship wont progress if you dont forgive him. i've been cheated on also. its hard to come to terms with leaving you to feel vulnerable. if hes being the man you and the children need him to be then i suggest putting the past where it belongs and try to move forward. normally i think women should leave their men and vice versa when cheating happens the first time because ther is no excuse for it. thats the message that needs to be sent,but you two have children and should try to make it work if it will be a healthy environment for them. they come first.

Answer 9

It's hard to deal with a spouse who has cheated even if it's only a one night stand. It takes time to get over it. My first wife was a chronic cheater. I stuck with her for 8 years, doing counseling, although according to her statements in counseling our sex life was great and so was our home life as a couple, but she just had no self control when alone with another man.

It finally got to the point where i couldn't trust her out of my sight, but couldn't be watching her constantly. I gave up and i'm glad i did, and i left. We had no children together and i moved on, it took quite awhile to get over that and become involved with women again.

It just takes time to get over it and you'll never truly trust him totally again. but if he does it again, take my word for it, don't stay with him a single day it's just not worth the misery one feels by doing so.

Answer 10

I personally, was not able to get over it. I agreed to counseling but as I sat there in each appointment, I knew this was something I couldn't get past. To me it felt like he was not the person I thought I'd married and this new guy was not what I was looking for so it made it easier to go. That was four years ago, I'm much happier for it. BUT we also didn't have children...thank god.