Should me and my wife stay together for the children if we know we will not stay married in the future?

Question

I am a nurse and I travel for a living. I have not lived with my family on a full time basis for over a year. My wife and myself have a horrible relationship and neither wants to stay with the other. But my wife thinks that it would be better for us to stay together for my son. We are relocating to a new city where there is only my wife's family and not any of mine. She doesnt love me nor is she attracted to me. I adore her but being put off physically, sexually and emotionally doesnt seem right to me. My heart is broken and I believe that I cant survive emotionally being in the same house with a woman who doesnt find me attractive or appear to love me. Please give me some advice because I am torn. I just feel that I deserve more than what I am getting. Am I being too selfish? Am I being too insensitive to my children?

Answer 1

Children are not the answer to stay together... however should make you think twice before up and runnin. She obviously found you sexually attractive at 1 time... try to spice up the love... and your child does need and diserve both parents but nothing says you cant do it apart as well as together.

Answer 2

If you haven't lived with your family for over a year it sounds like you already left. The only thing to do is make is "official". There is no benefit to staying together for the kids. Children need to see healthy loving relationships not tension and resentment.

I would not move anywhere with her if your relationhship is in such disarray. Things will most likely bet worse and then you will have no local support system. The better thing to do would be to consult a lawyer to get a legal separation. Is there some financial benefit for your wife wanting to remain married? Could she be just using your son as an excuse to maintain a financial relationship? Set up child support and custody/visitation through the court and begin making steps to moving on with your life.

It may be hard now but you'll be so much better in the long run....so will your son. Just keep being a good father to him.

Answer 3

I stayed in my marriage for the sake of my children and was miserable. I was trying to keep our family together no matter what while he didn't care at all about the marriage. You cannot be an effective parent when you are so unhappy. How is that fulfilling? Breaking up a family is a very serious decision. Children can feel the tension and the discord between parents and they will act out accordingly. If there is a glimmer of hope to make this relationship work as partners, lovers and friends then it's going to take alot of hard work from both of you. If you know the marriage will fail then get out when you still can be civil to each other.

Answer 4

It is not good to stay together for the children when one or the other parents do not love each other. The child grows up to think that it is normal to lack love, respect, or companionship. You deserve to loved and respected and to be happy. You are not being selfish or insensitive, you want what everyone else wants in a good relationship. It's not fair to you or your son in the long run to stay. When the parents are happier...whether together or separate, the children are happier. You really deserve someone who will love you with all of their heart...and one day you will find that person. If you wait years, you will regret that you wasted so many years in a loveless relationship, and didn't leave when you could have. Good Luck...

Answer 5

Whether you and your wife live together or not, the important thing where your child is concerned is that he knows he has two loving parents who are there for him regardless of who has custody. You could always go for joint custody too if you live close enough. Besides, what will your son learn about relationships by living in a house where mom and dad never show each other affection? You deserve a loving partner who will show you the same attention and devotion that you show her. Your son will be a man some day and he'll experience relationships for himself. Wouldn't you rather he go into that experience with a realistic perspective versus whatever loveless example you and his mother are setting for him now?

Answer 6

You can't force anyone to love you my dear. I wish I was cupid sometimes so I could fix relationships like these. First of all I highly commend you for wanting to be with your family because all to often we hear about the baby daddy's running away from their kids but in this case it's her. What happened that made her all of a sudden fall out of love with you? You sound like a really good guy considering you want to be there for your kids and you work and nurses make good money so what is the problem that she has with you? And you even moved to where she is most comfortable leaving all of your family? Find out why she doesn't like you or resents you so bad and see if you can work from there. Try something romantic, most women are a sucka for romance. Suprise her with a candle lit dinner one night or something (I know your schedule must be tight with your job but try!!). Then talk to her about the future of the two of you and the children. If she is not willing to meet you half way, then move on, any woman would be lucky to have a man like you. I wish you all the best.

Answer 7

Been there done that. Dude, leave now. It will only get worse. I assume it was her idea to relocate near her family. That way if you two broke up she'd have someone to lean on nearby. Get out before it's too late. Your son would be better off seeing two parents happy than growing up thinking that love is with both people being miserable. Your relationship is an example remember. My exwife for example saw everytime her mom was unhappy she divorced (3 times). My current fiancè's parents never hugged or kissed so when I go to hold her hand or kiss her she thinks she's being smothered. She's out of that now but it was hard at first.

Answer 8

With every relationship there are pros and cons. I think you should do what is good for you. If you do not take care of yourself then how are you going to take care of your kids. Your kids are more then likely feeling the stress in the house. Some people do not realize how smart kids are and do not give them the credit they deserve. Remember your kids are learning from what you do and your spouse. A divorce with kids is no fun either. I went though one with 2 kids and believe me it was no picnic but I knew deep down it was the best thing for me, them and him. She is moving so she has her family to support her and if you file a divorce after you move there then neither party will be able to move the kids out of state without the other parties permission. You will more then likely have to pay child support. If you do decide ti file I would file for joint custody.

Answer 9

Staying together just for your son is just silly. Your son I'm sure can sense the tension between you and your wife and that is not a healthy situation for a child to grow up in. You and your wife need to be fair. It is not healthy for either of you to be in a relationship with out love. And the longer you put off the split the harder it will be on everyone especially your son.

Answer 10

Well you can't control what another person does and it isn't your fault. Forcing you to do something you don't want to do is abusive. Your culture probably has no problems with what he is doing. In the United States he would be breaking the law to have two wife's. Cutting him self would get him put into the nut house (crazy) we show our emotions differently here. I would not let a man determine my future by his selfishness. There are some people who enjoy living in a house with several wives, but what about those who don't want it? Its your choice really.