He keeps repeating his bad habits, when is enough?

Question

I've been dating this guy on and off for 4 years now. he recently asked me to marry him, my first answer was no but he changed my mind. I believe he as a drinking/partying problem. He doesn't know when to say no. It leaves me sad and I don't even like to go out with him anymore, I'd rather hang out with my friends, but we get along great at home. I think he only asked me to marry him, because he knew I was going to leave him. he sais all the right words when it counts, but his actions are completely different. I think he may be in my way of happiness?

Answer 1

Lets be clear. A man can't bring you happiness, they can enhance the happiness that you already have. So please don't expect that just because you get rid of this person you'll find happiness with someone else or that you'll be happy period!

You should ask youself this question..."why have I chosen to stay with someone for so long who very obviously has some serious issues?" You should seriously check yourself first with that situation.

Then secondly, ask yourself this question...

If this mans worst character flaw or issue never changes or even gets worse would I be willing to live with that and him for the rest of my life? If your answer is no... then you need to RUN.

You continue to go back to him based on the few kind words and gestures or him behaving correctly when you're alone is not good enough and it speaks volumes about you and what you're willing to put up with.

Do you think you deserve to have a man who is whole and healthy physically and mentally? If your answer is yes, then great... Move on. If your undecided, then you need to know the problem is not your boyfriend/fiance... it's YOU!

He's being very true to himself and the way he's behaving is who he is (no pretense)... Now what's your excuse? Why are you holding on to and accepting bad/negative behavior in your life... and for FOUR years? What needs are you trying to meet or have met, or have not been realised in your life (past or present) that would make it ok for you to surround yourself with a man like that? Hummmmm?

The definition for insanity is: Doing the same wrong thing over and over again and expecting different results.

C'mon... get it together... the clock is ticking... 4 years? WOW! that's about 3 1/2 years too long.

Now, understand this.... nobody is perfect, and everyone has some area that needs improvement however, you need to know when to draw the line. Being an Alcholic is where the line should be drawn... unless you'd like to have a life with him which would most likely include having children with him. Now there's a thought....then the children can also grow up and experience the same thing you're going through right now.... and perhaps maybe even grow up and continue the legacy of Alcholism.... yeah.. how bout that! ......

Please.... RUN!!!!!

Answer 2

It is the actions that count, not the words. If you think this is bad now wait, it will get a lot worse. You see the warning red flags on the beach but still want to jump in the rip tide surf? The other bad indicators are *dating on and off* it should be on or off not both. You are correct in thinking he is marrying you to keep you happy. If you REALLY love this guy and he loves you he needs to go to AA or counseling right away, or go together. Get a prenup as well. Or try living together with a domestic partnership type deal and NO drinking, NO drugs and No cheating. Good luck but remember lots of other good guys out there, so why take a hamburger when you can get a steak?

Answer 3

I guess you are going to wait until he breaks your heart. Will that be enough?

You don't even "sound" happy when you "talk" about him.

Trust me... Letting this guy go might hurt a bit, but it's better in the long run. You WILL find someone who you are pleased with, and who makes you happy IN AND OUT of the house. This is NOT the last guy in the world.

When I broke up with my son's father, I thought the world was coming to an end. Only now can I see it was a blessing in disguise, and since then I have met many GREATER men, and have had 2 wonderful relationships. In fact, each one gets better than the last.

Trust me. There IS the PERFECT guy for you. And this guy is NOT it. He belongs with Tara Reid.

Answer 4

I personally have never known of a happy marriage that included an alcoholic....that is unless both parties were alcoholics.
It wont get better after u get married and if u are feeling this way now, its pretty much over.
U know what u can handle and what u cant. If u are struggling with it now, u either need to end it or try to fix it by talking to him and encouraging him to recieve help for his addiction.
And if u r saying he doesnt know when to say no, he definately has an addiction.
I had the cold hard task of trying to help my ex resolve his addiction. I was unsuccessful as most end up so self contained within their alcohol, they feel u r the enemy. It truly takes more than just u or i to get them through it.
Good luck hun.

Answer 5

its good that you recognize that he has problems an your not happy. you dont have to deal with it any longer than you want to. of course he'll say all the right things when you threaten to leave but his actions show otherwise. "ACTIONS SPEAK LOUDER THAN WORDS." you really care about this guy and thats truely why you allow him to talk you back. noboday can make you do anything. when your tired of it you'll leave. youcant help someone who doesnt want it. and it sounds like your taking the punch for it emotionally. you dont have to. nobody is saying you have to be done with him totally but i do think you two should take a break from each other. give him an ultimatum! (get help before you can resume a relationship) make him responsible for his actions. then see what happens from there. you sound very intelligent so take charge and get your life back with him or without!

Answer 6

U already have the answer...he IS in the way of your happiness. Actions speak louder than words, and his actions r 2 drink and party thats all. Find a real man that will make u happy on a full-time basis!

Answer 7

You may very well be right. He could be in the way of your happiness.
The fact that you have such questions should be enough reason for you to not marry him.
If he fails to keep the promises he makes to you now...to change his ways and learn when to say no...what makes you think he'll keep any promise he makes to you in the future? Marriage is the most sacred of promises...To Love, Honor, and Cherish forsaking all others...If he can't keep a small promise to you, how can you think he would be capable of keeping such a monumental one like Marriage???
It's a tough decision that you'll have to make on your own. Don't settle for second best...You'll know when you're with the one you're meant to be with---because you wont have any doubts...
Best Wishes to you!

Answer 8

A problem with his drunkenness? Or is there more to it? If a person likes to get drunk, it shouldn't be held against them. I mean, some wounds just never heal. However, if it's about what he does AFTER he gets drunk, then I understand.

You know it's funny. I get drunk before I go out with my friends, because I have a sort of social anxiety. If I tell them I've been drinking, they get annoyed, even if I'm not doing anything obnoxious. Typically, with my social anxiety, when I get drunk, it brings me to an even plain, and I can act normal. The irony is, when I get drunk and DON'T tell my friends I've been drinking, they don't say anything. Odd.

Answer 9

First, the term "on again off again" bothers me. It says, "we're screwed up, but neither one of us is strong enough to get better because it might mean leaving this behind".

Second, have you told him that this "drinking and partying is getting in the way of a future together"?

Be assertive. Set your boundaries. You have the right to expect reasonable behavior, and you should have the strength to walk away if he doesn't want to change.

Answer 10

You know in your gut that he isn't the one. Why are you even bothering to say yes. He is not going change, all women make that mistake. It just keeps going, just because your married isn't going to stop the problem. You need to leave him and find someone who is totally compatible with you. Don't ever settle!