How do you explain to your husband?

Question

that when you are ill, you are unhappy and scared and would like a bit of care and comfort? He thinks he is showing his care by washing dishes, shopping and so on but while he is doing that I am left lying all alone in bed. He even goes out and leaves me alone. He agrees that he wouldn't do that with a sick child but thinks that a sick adult does not need the same level of care. Last night he left me having an asthma attack and sat down in the kitchen. How do I sort this out? Luckily I have not been ill much but am not getting any younger!

Answer 1

Give him the book "The Five Love Languages" (Men's Edition) by Gary Chapman to read.

Everyone gives and receives love differently. There are five primary ways that people give/receive love 1) through physical affection (touching, kissing, holding), 2) expressing love verbally (saying I love you, praising), 3) doing acts of service (washing dishes), 4) giving presents (candy for Valentine's Day) and 5) spending quality time (staying with you when you're sick).

Your husband is being loving by doing the dishes when you are sick, but you would FEEL more loved if he stayed with you when you're sick. Once he understands what makes you FEEL loved he will begin to do those types of things.

He loves you.

Answer 2

Oh dear poor you. Maybe you could start by thanking him for the things that he has done to help out around the house while you are ill and then go on to explain that sometimes the most helpful thing is a reasurring cuddle. He is less likely to take it as you having a go if you thank him first. He obviously cares about you, and in his own way is being very caring and loving. Maybe he is also scared when you are ill and has trouble dealing with it? Find a quiet moment and gently tell him what he means to you and explain how it makes you feel scared and alone. I'm sure you will work it out. Hope you feel better soon.

Answer 3

Don't think that your husband is neglecting you. He is probably just as unhappy and as scared as you are but is just finding it more difficult to cope. By doing all the practical things like the dishes etc, he is showing that he is coping with what he can in the best way he knows how. Noone wants to see someone they love suffering and he demonstrates that by extracting himself from the situation. What you really need to talk about is how to enjoy each other when you are having a good. Even an hours chat by the side of the bed or a cuddle. When he has shared happy experiences with you, even though you are ill, he is more likely to be there in the bad times.

Answer 4

He's probably treating you the way he wants to be treated when he's not feeling well. I have to admit, when I don't feel good, I want to be left alone as well, my hubby actually gets on my nerves when I don't feel well. I loved what SillyKim said about women talk, men do things...it's so true. He thinks he IS helping by doing the dishes, shopping, laundry, etc., and...he IS showing how much he cares by doing those things, don't ever minimize that. There are lots of husbands out there who don't do that much when their wife is sick, and when she gets better, she has a MOUNTAIN of laundry, dishes, take out containers, etc,. to clean up.

The best way to handle this though is to just tell him. Explain to him that while you definitely appreciate his contributions while you're sick, you need him to comfort you as well. He probably doesn't know how to, so you'll have to show him and tell him. Men don't have that automatic nurturing "thing" women do. But please don't dismiss what he does for you, make darned sure you tell him how much you appreciate that!

Answer 5

You need to talk to him.Explain to him that you get scared when you are sick.He may not know that you don't like being left alone.No two people are the same nor do they handle situations the same.I am the exact opposite I don't want anyone around me when I am sick.I know that I get mean when I am in pain so I don't like having anyone around so I don't feel bad later for snapping at someone.If just telling him you are scared doesn't work.Try explaining your medical condition to him.Like the fact that you shouldn't be left alone when you are having an attack because you can't catch your breathe well enough to talk if you need medical attention you wouldn't be able to call for help.Tell him how serious your condition is.A lot of people don't understand how deadly your condition can be unless they themselves have it. I understand how scary it is my son is a severe asthmatic and we have had several close calls with him in which we nearly lost him.Good luck I hope you can get him to understand what you are going through.

Answer 6

I think you shgould be grateful for any help at all.
Ther are lots of people out there with no help at all.
My friend has Empysema/Asthma and other minor
illnesses and she is coping with her dad 24/7 who
is 84 years old and has Alzheimers. She couldn,t
even get the doctor out to her the other day cos
they were too busy. So while feeling a bit of sympathy
for a fellow female can,t help but think of my poor
friend who is suffering like crazy in a loveless marriage with a husband that
wouldn,t pee on her if she was on fire!! And she
is the most beautiful person and my dearest friend. So
when I hear your comments all I can do is sigh.......

Answer 7

I vote for SillyKimm's response but would also add: grow up!! If you have asthma, be sure and have your inhaler or whatever medication your doctor prescribes close at hand in the event of an asthma attack. Have you been babied all your life when you were living at home? Sounds like it. Now you are an adult and it's time to be a little self-sufficient. Unless you're having a heart attack, or your asthma attack is life threatening, you should be able to take care of yourself when you're sick. Your husband sounded like a prince of a guy. He doesn't need to hover around you like apparently Mom did when you were under the weather.

Answer 8

What is he supposed to do? Damn girl, he does dishes and goes shopping and leaves you to get your rest, and you're complaining? He can't cure you, the best thing for you is to rest when you're sick. Stay in bed, drink fluids, read, sleep, watch TV. Be happy that your husband is sensitive enough to help you out and leave you alone. If you have something specific you want him to do for you - just ask, I'm sure he will be happy to do it. But he is not a mind reader, and you can't expect him to stand vigil over you 24/7. ASK HIM IF YOU NEED SOMETHING!

Answer 9

questions: how long have you been married? how long have you had asthma? is it from a cold gone bad? maybe he thinks you are just faking an asthma attack to get some attention. you are a very lucky woman and you want him to be as tired as you. i agree with some of the answers you need to grow up. let him continue to help you in his own way. he can't be the doctor, the maid, the bread winner.how long have you been sick.thank your lucky stars that he does care enough to be at your beck and call even if it seems limited to you. keep him.

Answer 10

Honestly, men are not nurturers. We are here to solve problems, fix things, and work. So, by taking care of the home, he is letting you stay in bed and rest.

Also, when I am sick, I don't want someone to hang out with me. I want to sleep, and lay there being left alone. I am sure most men are that way. So, maybe he thinks this is what you want as well.