verbal abuse?

Question

Is verbal abuse in a relationship just as bad as physical? My fiancee calls me terrible names, says mean things, and tells me constantly that if dont like how things are to leave. He pushes me when he gets violent and then says it was just a push and that he would never "hit" a woman. When we argue he sleeps on the couch on his own accord and says he does it to keep down a fuss. He is also extremely jealous. Is this abuse?

Answer 1

What in the world is the difference between loving a person, and being attached to them? Love is the sincere wish, for others to be happy for others and free from suffering. Having realistically realized other’s kindness, as well as their faults, Love is Always focused on the other person’s welfare. We have no ulterior intensions or motives to fulfill our own self-interests; or to fulfill our own desires, we love others, all people, simply because they exist. Attachment, on the other hand, exaggerates others’ good qualities, and makes us crave to be with them. When we’re with them, we are happy, but when we’re separated from them, we’re miserable. Attachments are always linked with expectations of what others should be, or what they should do for us. Is love, as it is understood in most societies, really love OR attachment ? Let us examine this a little more. Generally speaking, we are attracted {drawn to) people because they have qualities we value, or because they help us in some way. If we carefully observe, through introspection, our own thought processes we’ll notice that we very often look for specific qualities in others. Some of these qualities we are drawn to are qualities within our parents, or qualities which society values.
We examine someone’s looks, education, social status, financial status, and so forth. This is how Most of us decide on whether or not the person holds any true value, or not. In addition, we judge people as worthwhile according to how they relate to us. If they praise us, encourage us, help us, if they listen to what we have to say, if they make us feel secure, if they take care of us when were sick, unhappy or depressed, we consider them good, or sometimes righteous people, and these are the people we more drawn to, whom we are most likely attracted to, and the people we choose to be around with.
In all honesty, this is very biased, for we are judging them, only in terms of how they relate to us, as if we are the most important person in the world & thinking the world revolves around us! After we’ve judged certain people to be good for us, whenever we see them, it appears to us as if goodness is radiating out from within them, but as we are more mindfully aware, we realize that we have projected this goodness on to them.
Desiring to be the people who make us feel good, we become emotional yo-yo’s, when we’re with these people, we’re up, but when we’re not with them, we’re down. Furthermore, we form fixed concepts of what our relationships with these people will be, and thus have expectations of them. “When they do not live up to our expectations of them, we’re unhappy, disappointed or may even become angry. We want them to change so that they will match what we think they are. But our projections and expectations come from our own minds, not from other people. Our problems arise not because others aren’t who we thought they were, but because we mistakenly thought they were something they were not. We often use a type of Checklist also. Checklist: “I Love You IF ___________ !” This Love is Conditional and what we call love, is most often attachment. It is actually an attitude which overestimates the qualities of another person.
’Then we cling tightly to that person, thinking our peace and happiness depends on that person. We even often blame that person for our unhappiness.’ Love, on the other hand, is a very patient, calm, optimistic and relaxed attitude. We want others to be free from suffering and to be happy simply because they exist. While attachments are uncontrolled, and too emotionally sentimental, Love is Patient, powerful, and controlled(disciplined). Attachment obscures our judgment {our ability to make sound, wise decisions), and we become impatient, angry, and impartial – helping our dear ones, and those who do us no harm. Love clarifies our mind, & we access a situation by thinking of the greatest good for everyone. Attachment is based on selfishness, while love is founded on valuing, & cherishing others, even those who do not look very appealing to us. Love always looks beyond all the superficial appearances and dwells on the fact that they are just like us: they want peace of mind, happiness, and wish to avoid suffering. If we see unattractive, or unintelligent people we most often feel repulsed, because our selfish minds want to find attractive, intelligent, and talented people. On the other hand, Love never evaluates others by theses superficial standards and looks much deeper into the person. Love recognizes that regardless of the others appearances, they’re experiences are they same as ours: they want inner mental peace, happiness, and wish to be from suffering. When we’re attached, we’re not mentally, emotionally, & spiritually free. For we overly depend on, and cling to another person, to fulfill our emotional, mental, and spiritual needs. We fear losing the person, fearing that we’d be incomplete without them.” This does Not mean that we should suppress all our emotional needs, or become aloof, and totally independent, for that too would not solve the problem. We must simply realize our unrealistic needs and slowly, gently and patiently – seek to eliminate them. If we try to suppress them, pretending they do not exist, we become insecure, anxious, or possibly depressed. In this case, we do our best to fulfill our needs, while simultaneously working gradually to subdue them. The core problem is that most of us seek to be loved, rather than to love. We yearn to be understood by others, rather than to understand them. Our sense of emotional insecurities comes from the selfish obscuring of our own minds. We develop confidence by recognizing our inner potential to become a Selfless human being, having many magnificent qualities, then we’ll develop and have an accurate perception of ourselves, gaining self-confidence. We’ll seek to increase true unconditional love, to increase compassion, to cultivate patience, as well as generosity, right concentration and wisdom. Under the influence of attachment, we’re bound by our unstable emotional reactions to others. When they’re nice to us, we’re happy, but when they ignore us or speak sharply to us, we take it personally, and are unhappy. But pacifying attachment doesn’t mean we become hard-hearted, rather without attachments, there will be space in our hearts and minds for genuine affection and impartial love for them. And as a result, we’ll be more actively involved with them. As we learn to transform our minds & lives, through subduing our attachments, we can definitely have successful friendships, and personal relationships with others. These relationships will be richer, more meaningful because of the freedom and respect the relationships are based on. We’ll really care about the happiness and misery of all human beings equally, simply because everyone is the same inside: we all want inner peace of mind, Happiness, and to be from suffering.
However, of course, our lifestyles and interests may be a bit more compatible with some people. Our friendships and our personal relationships will be based on mutual interests, and to help other people. Having such an attitude, we’ll be much More Patient, & tolerant toward others; will remain mentally calm, having Peace of Mind and Happiness, and we’ll communicate successfully with others in life.

Answer 2

So many have it wrong... Sandra J... how strong of you to be able to explain all that in such detail. Did that just ruin your day? So far, Sandra is the only I've seen that got it right, and so many after her have still said they are the same. They ARE NOT. Verbal abuse, like she said, is obvious. He said: You are a worthless piece of crap, and a waste of air. <<< This is obvious verbal abuse. However, there are people who can have a conversation with you and never say anything that at a glance seems too awfully hurtful. Sometimes that is the hardest part. You start a discussion feeling angry and hurt because of what someone did or said. You end the conversation feeling guilty for how you felt to start. You FEEL worthless, and terrible for the way you felt. The strangest thing is, however, that the abuser never actually said that. They simply manipulate what you say to mean something else, and they actually control the way your mind thinks. That's what makes it so difficult to identify and fight against. It's not until much later when you look back and realize that you have allowed yourself to be taken on a rollercoaster ride of your own thoughts, controlled by someone else. In addition, to admit to being emotionally abused seems that you are giving something up. It feels like you are telling the world that you are weak enough to allow someone to hurt you without ever saying or doing anything to cause direct pain. Then you feel that it's your fault. That is their goal. To make you feel so worthless and so weak that there's nothing you can do to escape their grasp.

Answer 3

Verbal abuse can be worse than physical abuse sometimes. Think of it - you break a bone -it heels. When someone starts battering you with mean names or says mean things to you - you never forget them. And when they keep battering you with these names and words day after day - you start to believe them. And a push is NOT JUST A PUSH. First the push, then the shove and then the punches. Honey - the signs are all there - you are chosing to ignore them and you are going to get hurt one day. He says if you don't like it leave? I would leave - I would run for my life. Find somewhere safe to stay and don't let him know where you are. If you marry him you are going to get hurt bad. Please get yourself some help and don't make the mistake of thinking he will get better - they don't - they get worse. You could lose your life with an abusive man like this. Good luck.

Answer 4

Don't marry anyone who abuses you. I did & I have a 1/2 a lifetime regret for sticking it out. Its a kind of like that person is a control freak w/ the remote if he won't give you it that means you are not going to have a equal partnership in your relationship, if you stick it out be sure you leave before he starts hitting you or you might end up injured scared for life. Get counseling if you do stick it out. That's exactly what I have done. Even talking to someone who will understand your situation will help too.

Answer 5

Pushing you IS IN FACT physical abuse. If you stay and he does it again, call the police. Verbal abuse is just as painful as physical abuse. I just left my husband on the 10th who has been emotionally and verbally abusive ever since we married last year. I told him if he doesn't get help for his drinking and anger that I am filing for divorce because we have a one year old daughter that doesn't need to live in such a volatile situation (and neither do I!). So yes, it is abuse, and if you want it to stop you need to do something. Feel free to contact me if you need someone to talk to.

Answer 6

From my experience yes it is abuse!!! My husband always says if you want to leave then leave, and he does sleep on the couch sometimes, he doesn't like to talk about our fights he rather go deal with them himself. He calls me names all the time when he is mad. If he really loves you and cares about you then he won't want you to leave. I have left before for a night and he was calling wondering where I was and said he was worried about me. Men are *** holes you have to give them something to change for. And if he won't then I'm sorry to say he is not worth it, no man is. Now a days women are more independent and don't need a man. Just be strong and listen to your heart. Hang in there girl!!!!!

Answer 7

Of course this is abuse, Name calling, threats and pushing especially at this stage of your relationship, is only a sign of things to come. Possibly much worse. This is something that needs to be remedied now, not after the marriage vows are taken. Speak with him and suggest counseling, and if that fails run for your life. You very well may need to at a later date if you dont do something now. tvtop_toptv

Answer 8

yes, it sounds like abuse. the name calling, pushing you, it will only get worse. if you want to stay, get to counseling and deal with it promptly, otherwise it will escalate. I am in a similar situation, been in it for 15 years, I left 7 years ago, but took him back and the cycle just continued. yes he was good for about a year or 2 but then he started back again, slowly but surely. the longer you stay the harder it is to get out. believe me, 2 kids later, mortgage, debt, its harder. either fix it or move on now. listen to your own instincts. they are telling you something isn't right, otherwise you wouldn't be asking this question. I listened to others for years, saying " oh, men can be that way" or "you could get alot worse, at least he is a good provider" but they didn't know the whole story but it always made me feel like this was somewhat normal and maybe I was overreacting, but when I got a concussion when my hubby shoved me, a lightbulb went off and now I am trying to find the courage to get out and move on. Just listen to yourself and say, is this what I want for me. is this the type of relationship I would want my children to have with their partner? because they will learn from what they see. goodluck and I hope you choose what is best for you.

Answer 9

All physical abuse is preluded first by verbal abuse in all cases. If you even think of marrying this guy, you will ruin the rest of your life.

Answer 10

This is verbal abuse and probably when he gets to comfortable with you this could turn into physical get out now while you can.

Answer 11

yes it is abuse and sometimes verbal abuse is worse then physical abuse. you need to get out of the relationship and move on to something better.