Do any other parents get this? Recently I have had a spell when I keep thinking of my own childhood and the?

Question

lives my parents led. This has got me very down/teary etc I keep thinking how hard life was for them both..money was very scarce and both had to work very hard. As well as that I know that family life was a big disappointment to them in the sense that it got my Mum very depressed and Dad depressed too..both handled it differently. Mum by being withdrawn and indifferent and Dad trying to over compensate - giving me extra money/sweets etc even though it meant putting himself into debt. I am nearly at the age they were when they had me and in many respects I just feel like life is pointless as I in some ways am feeling like life with my beautiful daughter can be like ground hog day too and so I worry history will repeat itself. I also feel enormous guilt on both fronts - with my parents for not being grateful for all they did for me and for taking until the age of 30 to realise just how difficult it can be to parent someone..at the time my siblings and I were all me me me and want

want want..unlike my parents, who had no help from their own parents, my own, especially my Dad has even helped me enormously as an adult and this too has made me feel awful.. Sorry, hoping this is making sense. Added to this as I say is guilt that being a parent is sometimes so hard which sometimes means that I go through the motions with my daughter (whilst remembering how a kid picks up on this myself) because I just feel so down. My Dad is a free spirit and looking at the pics from when he was younger and happy/carefree it breaks my heart to know the tough life he had - boring job/marital problems/financial problems etc I am also preoccupied with the thought of both of them dying and it just feels far too soon..they are both 65 which is still relatively young but Dad has a bad heart so know he won't be around long.. both my parents are good people and I just feel gutted that things were not great for them, that they are getting old & the times I contributed to their worries/grief

Answer 1

Honey, we ALL experience those feelings. There's nothing like growing up and becoming a parent to realize the hardships our own parents faced. Money was always "tight" when I was growing up, but we always had everything we really needed. We didn't have a lot of "extras" or luxuries, but we had the most important thing we could have.....we had LOVE. Life is NOT pointless, you learned a lot of valuable lessons along the way that you can now pass on to your daughter. All you can do is be the best parent you can. None of us is perfect, but most of us try to make life as perfect as possible.

All kids are like that....they are all about what "I want". Loose the guilt....that IS pointless. Give both your parents a big hug and tell them how much you appreciate everything they sacrificed for your happiness.

Nobody ever said life was suppose to be easy. Things that are worked for and hard to attain are usually the most valuable and the most appreciated. We all have a "hard" time of it, but that's what makes it valued for us.

Answer 2

wow, he sounds alot like my brother and I, my aunt took us in when we were kids because my parents were addicted to drugs and had been physically and emotionally abusive. He sounds like he appriciates you very very much, and I applaud you for helping this little boy! But anyways, Try inviting him to do something with you! play a board game, rent a movie, just do something together. Or go to the ZOO- he might have never been to the zoo, or an amusement park (those obviously aren't every day things but they are a fun once in a great while thing to do) and If you think it will help him, let him invite a friend along (im not sure if he has any but if he does you can always offer) I don't know if you are in a situation right now where you can get a pet, but what really helped my brother and I was we got a dog- It was a 6 month old pit bull/ lab mix. She really showed us unconditional love, and brought us out of our shell and showed us how to have fun. She also gave us something to bond over with our aunt and uncle. We would take the dog to the park and play, and talk about the dog and eventually the talking got easier and easier and we developed a great relationship. And remember to try to losen up- my aunt and uncle were always so cautious about what they would say to us for fear that they were going to hurt or offend us that they came across as almost fake and it made me feel like it wasn't a real relationship- that they were just pretending. I would cry every single night, I did for almost a year. The difference though, it sounds like your sun is scared, and afraid and depressed- I actually missed my abusive parents- i loved them and didn't want to leave them, because they told me no one else would love me and I just felt like they had to be sorry and they must be missing me. It is hard. Your son may want to go into counselling- he may not (DO NOT-i cant stress this enough-DO NOT FORCE HIM INTO IT) I was forced into it and I hated it so SO SO much, it made me want to vomit. I hope I gave you something helpful in there somewhere. I wish you and your son the best of luck!!

Answer 3

None of us really start to consider what its like to be a parent until we become one. Since my daughter had my first grandchild she has frequently told me how much she loves me, and how proud she is to have had me as her Mum, believe me that makes up for any years of hardship and worry that I had as a parent. She now has those same traumas to deal with, and all I can hope is that the care I gave her, devolved from the care my parents gave me, will help her to be as good a parent as she believes I was.
Its no good to just say don't feel guilty, but do be aware that your experience is in no way unusual. Tell your parents at every opportunity how much you love them , and are grateful for all they have done for you. Believe me, your daughter will go through the same feelings in her time too.

Answer 4

I have two comments to make.

First, about your parents. I have no doubt it was hard for them. But remember, they did it because they wanted to. What would you give up for your child? They love you as much and, even though it was hard, it was what they wanted to do and I have no doubt it made them feel fulfilled.

As to being a parent. I have two and I often feel like I'm completely out of my depth.That is how parents feel. That we are doing everything wrong and don't have a clue, but we keep on working at it. I would give up anything, even my life, for my children. I give them love, I care, I'm there when they need me. We can't do anything else.

Answer 5

Yes .I am 55 and the older I get the more I think back to my childhood.
I feel guilty that I did`nt appreciate the scarifies they made for me until I was much older.
Also feel guilty that perhaps I could have done better with my own two children.
They have turned at good people. Perhaps it is all one guilt trip.

Answer 6

try to do your best that's all you can do . don't dwell on the past your parents are only human not perfect , up to you now ,make a difference to your kids and cheer up or you are continuing the circle you might be suffering from depression, go have a chat with your doctor

Answer 7

NOT sure to busy running around after Tim.
we seem to learn from our own mistakes rather than from our parents but it does not make us bad parents just different.
you are different to them but just as good if not better.