my husband complains about me to my sister!?

Question

i just got off the phone with my sister who had some questions for me about my relationship with my husband. she didn't go into great detail but she told me that he calls her all the time to complain about me... while she doesn't really answer him or talk back, she is concerned for my well being and doesn't really feel comfortable that he talks to her. i am upset because he communicates better with her about us than me and i also don't always want my family to know EVERYTHING that happens. its my relationship, not theirs. and he usually plans our valentines day, but she said that she is pretty sure he ain't doing anything this year. we have been having big marriage problems lately, but its valentines day... i am starting to feel as if there is no hope for us and don't know what to do... and i am tired of my sister always having to be involved... but even though i tell him i don't like it, he still talks to her... don't get me wrong, she is 10 years older and has been married 16 years.

Answer 1

Apparantly he feels comfortable talking with your sis, since he has no emtional tie to her, she's older, and he knows she will tell you. Thus he's basically communicating to you thru her. However, she should know better than to be so involved in your marriage. She can tell him nicely that he needs to be talking directly to YOU, not her. And if the same comes from your lips, then he would have no choice, now would he. So perhaps you and your sis need to work closer together on this, to enable you to reach your goals.........or reaching your husband. ;)

Answer 2

I understand your feelings regarding your husband's communications with your sister. The only way that your husband will stop speaking with your sister will be when your sister INSISTS that you are no longer to be the topic of conversation. Have her let your husband know that she will not listen to or discuss your relationship/problems with him. It is inappropriate, solves nothing (except allowing him to vent) and makes you and your sister uncomfortable. She should express this in a most direct, firm and non-hostile manner.

You and your husband need to have direct, honest, heartfelt, clear communication. First, agree to discuss things in a fair and open manner. Do not attack each other--this never works and only intensifies emotions that may already be running high. Learn to really LISTEN to the other person--and ACKNOWLEDGE their feelings/thoughts. All too often we are only aware of our own feelings/thoughts/perspective and are missing out on our partner's side. Poor communication skills can result in big problems--so LEARN to communicate more effectively. This will take some practice and time--and it certainly cannot be accomplished in the heat of a battle.

Be respectful of one another. All relationships have their ups and downs. If you both truly desire to work through the problems, you'll find a way. And whatever you do--don't play the blame game. All of this will require some hard, deep, honest introspection and self-reflection.

Learn to think BEFORE you speak. What are each of you doing to contribute to the disharmony? It's not a one-way street. What can each of you begin to do in a constructive manner to heal/resolve your challenges?

If you cannot manage the situation on your own, perhaps you may want to seek some spiritual/professional short term guidance.

Best of luck to you.

Answer 3

This question is easy, and you know the answer! You may not want to hear the answer! It's you! You don't listen to him! That's why he is calling your sister!! You just won't listen!! This is good, because he probably would love to shake the crap out of you, but feels this is a better way to convey his message! You both need to talk, and YOU need to listen! Communicate! It's a 2 way street, and you're only going 1 way, and it will be the highway, if you both don't start talking!!

Answer 4

I'll take a shot at this one.
Let me guess. He cannot talk to you, about you, without you being defensive and turning it into a fight. So he calls your sister and unloads with the stuff that is bothering him thinking that she will forward the information.
This is a convoluted method for delivering the message. Either that or he is searching for help in dealing with you.
In any case he is having trouble getting his message through to you directly.
Perhaps you should tell him to quit calling your sister and complaining. What goes with that is his having to tell you what is bothering him without you fighting back.
Try listening and see what happens.

Answer 5

Tell your sister, in no uncertain terms that if he ever calls her again for this and other personal matters, she is to say, firmly, and with finality, that she is categorically uninterested in EVER discussing with him ANYTHING regarding you and your relationship problems. By listening to him she is ENABLING him in his behaviour, and thus doing great harm and damage to your marriage: he talks to her and not to you, and it's becoming a broken telephone, a dysfunctional three-way, if you will.
Take the initiative yourself and plan a nice Valentines Day for the both of you:
Dress up and look your best.
Order in or make a nice dinner.
Light candles all over.
Give him the most sensual night ever in bed.
Do not. and I repeat DO NOT discuss any negative issues today, just have a romantic relaxing night.
Tomorrow, after dinner, just say that you love him and would appreciate him talking to you instead of complaining to big sis.
And make sure, again, to tell your sister to shut him out. No more phone confessionals for this boy.
Good Luck, happy Valentines to you both.

Answer 6

Your hubby is way out of line. It also sounds like he has a crush on your sister. Sorry, it's pretty clear from this point of view.

He is supposed to be your biggest fan, your most ardent admirer, and your cheerleader. If he is complaining about you to the people who mean the most to you then he is none of those things and, is truly thoughtless and intentionally hurtful.

It sounds like he is over you. I am sorry. If that is the case then you need to speak bluntly to him, honestly and without fear because I don't really think you have anything to lose that you may not already have lost.

Then talk to your sister. She knows full well that the conversations she is having with your hubby are inappropriate and she is getting some kind of payoff from telling you this too. She doesn't sound very nice and she does sound like she has a chip on her shoulder about you. Shame on her big time.

Good luck. My advice is to not waste any more time on your man, and move on. There is no sense in dragging things out. suck it up, kick him out of the house (bet he moves in with sis and her unsuspecting hubby) and cry until you're over him.

When he comes crawling back to you, stand firm, make him act like a man you would want to be with before you consider being with him again.

Good luck.

Answer 7

you should make your sister aware that this bothers you and the next time he calls to confide in her about your problems that she should tell him she will not get involved and make an excuse to hang up the phone. he keeps calling her because she allows this. she needs to put her foot down and stop this. for him, yes he really needs to stop calling her to discuss your relationship but talk to your sister first and make tell her to stop taking these calls asap...tell him that you two need to communicate more and open up to him, don't keep secrets and be honest... good luck

Answer 8

Do not put off seating down with your hubby and sister. Write down 5 questions and ask them.

Answer 9

That is very weird, I would be really pissed if my husband did that. The only thing he should call her about is maybe a surprise party for you, but not to talk bad about you. I would defiantly tell him that its not right. Good luck!

Answer 10

Your sister needs to speak up and say that she does not wish to be a sounding board and for him to contact his wife!!!