When you have an affair?

Question

and leave your spouse for the other person...and you have children with your now ex spouse...is it normal to try and be friends with your ex? I am trying to understand my ex husband's behaviour. I am moving on with my life. To do this I keep contact with my ex to a bare minimum. I talk to him only when there is something I need to discuss about the kids. That does not happen very often as they live with me and only visit their father every other weekend. However, he has begun to call me more often lately for things that he could have easily figured out on his own. I guess it makes him feel less guilty about everything he did?? Or maybe it helps him justify his actions if he thinks since we are both happy the affair and the divorce must have been the right thing to do?? All I know is I do not want to be his friend. It was his choice to be with someone else and he does not deserve to have me in his life. Is this normal behaviour from a cheating ex spouse??

Answer 1

He's trying to make himself feel better. I would keep the distance. There is no need to be his friend. Only discuss things regarding the children.

Answer 2

You don't have to be his friend, but I can absolutely affirm the need (if only for your children's sake) for you and your ex to have a civil and respectful relationship - whatever you want to call it. If nothing else, think of this as an opportunity to show your kids how adults can negotiate, cooperate, discuss and plan even after a traumatic event such as an affair and divorce. While the betrayal is on your ex (which frankly, is the easy part to see in a failed relationship), it is important to move on and focus on all the things that are going right in your respective lives now. While I can appreciate your reticence to forgive your ex, it is important that you do so for your own sake. Hate baggage only hurts the hater, not the hated. In addition, the subsequent bile only contaminates your home and your children. Continue to be vigilant/cautious with your ex, but allow yourself to take at face value his attempts to do the right thing. Accept his reaching out in the context of questions about your kids and answer honestly. Allow for the possibility that a new partnership (you are still parents together) will evolve which will replace the one you have now. Instead of him just being a philandering ex, he may become your kids father.

Answer 3

Actually it is.He may not be happy now with his new companion and he is trying to reach back to you cause now he may be thinking twice.I had the same experience.You DO NOT have to be his friend that choice is strictly up to you,just talk about the kids and when something else comes up cut him off period,just tell him what you said here You made your choice I dont mind discussing the children but anything after that I would rather not talk about it. He may very well feel guilty also but I bet the scenario is this big love he left you and the kids for didnt turn out to be what he thought,ahh reality has set in,yeah eventually it does in all relationships,what was there the first six months goes away and then lets see what you got?and now he is calling you? Oh well Im really glad you were able to move on as well as you did,keep on moving forward and leave him right were he is,he made his bed now he can lie in it.Alot of times also they feel like since you knew him so well he can talk to you about whatever it is that is on his mind,but Im sure it wasnt easy to move on at first,so dont let him put you back or play on your sympathys,but it doesnt surprise me at all, like I said I have had the experience not once but 3 times,typical. Good luck to you and stay strong!

Answer 4

My ex husband cheated on me and left me for the other woman after 8 years of marriage. We also had a child together. I was devastated and lost, but the one thing I knew is that we needed to maintain a good relationship for our son. Regardless, of my ex's decision to have an affair. We have always stayed extremely close.

Most people are capable of bad behavior, it doesn't make the person bad. If I really thought he was a horrible person, what does that say about me?? That I was a moron for marrying him?
Obviously there were things that I loved about him, or I wouldn't married him.

You can rationalize being bitter towards your ex all day long, but it doesn't change the fact that it's bad for your children to not be able to see that their parents genuinely care for each other. It's bad for you, too. You won't be able to get on with your life until you let this go, and clearly you still have some raw feelings here.

Please try to take the high road, be mature and do your best to have good relationship with your children's father.

Do not follow the example of "normal" behavior from the majority of divorced people, you can see where all the bitterness has gotten us. A bunch of dysfunctional kids and disposable marriages.

Answer 5

yes, this is normal behavior, its his conscience and guilt he is feeling for what he has done. I had this happen, and I did the same, I left, took my children and left. He wanted me back for 2 years, kept trying to schedule dates, whatever, and I even let him back into my life in the first 6 months after I left him, but I knew I could never get past what he had done. Let him be the father, and keep communication lines open for the children, but make it clear to him that there is nothing else between the two of you. I left my ex husband 13 years ago, and we are friends now. I would cry if something happened to him, I do love him, but will never love him like a man loves a woman/woman loves a man. It won't happen, so we support each other when it come to the kids and it works. It takes time but he will eventually come to terms with your decisions and you will reach the point where you are ready to get on with your life and forget about the past w/ him.

Answer 6

good question, but sorry to say when it comes to divorce there is no "normal" behavoir. I think you have it right it is probobly easing his guilt by trying to be your friend and i think at this point since you are still hurting from the divorce it would be in everyones best interest especially your kids to keep the contact to a minimum this way you are less likely to start fighting and at some point in the future no never know the two of you may actually be able to just talk as friends but not now hope this helps..

Answer 7

He may be realizing his mistake and wondering about the kids.

The fact that he left means he doesn't think things through very well. He may be trying to patch things up to see if he can come back.

If you do decide to take him back, set him up with rules. Make sure he lets you know where he is, who he's with and inform him that he should have NO female friends unless you are there (he can only be around them when you are present). He will not go out without you, and he will let you know if he has to stay late at work and why (and he must understand that you will be calling both his job as well as his cell phone).

Or, tell him to quit calling so much.

B-Cool

Answer 8

I don't have an ex that i share kids with, however, i have friends with baggage and exes.

first thing, there is no "normal" in situations like yours. every marriage and divorce and family has it's own unique dynamic and therefore what may work with one may not work with another.

for example:
you don't want to be friends with your ex, however, i have a friend who's relationship ended amicably and they are still friends b/c they shard kids and enjoyed their time together, even though they found new people to love.

now, the real issue here, i think...is that you don't want to be friends with him and you don't want him calling you and bothering you all the time. which is UNDERSTOOD! whatever is fueling his contact with you, whether it's to get back together, his guilty conscience or just to have a friendship, it doesn't matter.
what does matter is that you are hurt and betrayed and don't want contact with him unless it pertains to your kids.

SO, what needs to happen is you have a sit down with him, even if it's over the phone, and explain to him that you don't want a chummy relationship. tell him that you are willing to be an adult and there is no bad mouthing from you and no childish behaviors, but you want to limit contact to only topics concerning the kids. PERIOD. don't let him edge anything in. tell him, that if he needs the number to that restaurant you used to get take out from, then he needs to look it up! etc...

i hope this works and i'll be honest....it may benefit everyone to let the affair go and be semi-friends with your ex, but it's not necessary.....if you don't feel it, then don't force it.

take care:)

Answer 9

You have all the rights to feel this way right now. i guess its very easy for men to just have an affair and tell you the excuse why he did it. My husband also had an affair before x-mas last year and did broke our family esp. my 3 beautiful children. Yes some will have their guilt after they found out who they want,some adulteries will get tired of the other woman,but in your case his trying to get close again to you thru the kids. Do yourself a big favor,follow your heart this time, your trust cant be fool this time. just tell him the truth that you are having your own life now without him.......your a bit stronger now even though that he betrayed you. Good luck to you and the kids.....

Answer 10

Let him know you have moved on and are happy with the choices you have made. Make it clear that you have no interest in being his friend and you are happy to discuss child matters and thats all. Be polite and direct and eventually he will get the hint. Remember this you guys shared a life together and its hard to let go of all those feelings and memories. Stay strong and keep striving ahead. Good Luck!

Answer 11

I don't know what normal is anymore but I do know that some people regret compromising there marriages by cheating after a while and it is just too bad for them! I also know that you could be right, he could be trying to feel better about what has happend by knowing you are not hate-full toward him. I would just tell him next time that you don't have time for his silly questions and If it is really that hard for him to figure it out on his own he didn't need another lover but a mother. Tell him you just want to move on and that he is really annoying you. You only want to talk to him if it is necessary.