life.
Our life is not perfect,
no one else is. Why do you
have to make it so difficult for me.
I try my best to give you what you want,
I guess that's not enough.You want
presents and material things,i want
love and the goodness life brings.
What more can i do when you push
me away,all i want is for you to stay,
life is not easy it will never be, you want
to be in heaven and a world filled with glee.
How can i convince you that life
is what you make it. you're too yound to
understand, but when you do i
hope all you wishes come true.
Kimone march. if you wwould like to read my poems. go to POETRY.COM. submit my name. and then you will be able to read my poems.
2007-02-14 02:23:30 · 4 answers · asked by kelly 3 in Arts & Humanities ➔ Philosophy
I really like your poem and you have expressed yourself very well.
Here's a little input on your poem, as revised below. I took the liberty of making a few changes for better clarification and corrected spelling errors. Feel free to use any or all of it as your own.
Again, it's a very expressive and lovely poem! Keep writing!
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LIFE
No one’s life is perfect. My live is not perfect.
Why do you have to make it so difficult for me?
I try my best to give you what you want,
I guess that's not enough. You want
presents and material things. I want
love and the goodness life brings.
What more can I do when you push me away?
All I want is for you to stay.
Life is not easy-it will never be.
You want to be in heaven
and a world filled with glee.
How can I convince you that life is what you make it?
You're too young to understand, but when you do
I hope all you wishes come true.
2007-02-14 02:43:43 · answer #1 · answered by jhr4games 4 · 1⤊ 0⤋
You need to work on grammar if you are going to be a poet. "Our" means plural- you can say "Our life together is not.. " OR "our lives are not perfect", but not the way you put it.
Your punctuation isn't strong, either. You need to punctuate to create the flow and pause of emotion. Read your words out loud and you'll understand where to put punctuation-pauses and stops.
In terms of content- sounds like teen angst.
Sorry, but although I applaud your effort, I wouldn't buy this book.
Probably everyone will hate my answer but it is honest and objective. That is what feedback is.
Keep writing. I hope I read your stuff in a collection someday.
2007-02-14 10:37:41 · answer #2 · answered by CYP450 5 · 1⤊ 0⤋
+ Birth Friendship Love Family Wisdom Truth Death +
2007-02-14 12:30:37 · answer #3 · answered by Dimitris C. Milionis - Athens GR 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Wonderful.... keep up the good work.
2007-02-14 10:31:15 · answer #4 · answered by Clown Knows 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋