plz need suggestion... The first sentence is the thesis statment but it is not fitting with rest of paragraph

Question

I agree with Minot that employment affects the student going to school or college. Life is always a struggle. In order to gain something, we have to lose something. Though I have gained the knowledge of the “real” world and value of money, work has affected my academic opportunities and performance. Two years ago, I was a full-time student with a part-time job at a local supermarket. Being an independent student and living away from my parents, it was difficult for me to meet various expenses. As a result, I started working full-time and studying part-time, which has impeded my progress. Gradually, because of lack of relaxation and constant stress of maintaining double schedules, I lost interest in studies and eventually dropped out of the college. I never intended to attend classes again. My persistence was lost and my dream of graduating was shattered. But with the motivation and encouragement from my family, I started to pursue my career goal again. After this experience, I would rather just live on bread and water for four years than have a job that may makes my career pointless because of insufficient grades.

can u plz give me option so that thesis statment flows with rest of paragraph

Answer 1

I think your position is that employment causes the student going to school to loose interest in studies.

In order to gain something, one has to loose something. Employment for students causes them to loose interest in studies.

And whether this is always true or not, it is your thesis.

Answer 2

For one thing... try writing the same paragraph but WITHOUT running the sentences together.

Basic grammar says that you begin a new sentence with each new thought... this is something the current generation of high school students don't seem to learn or understand.

When you run sentences together it muddies the thoughts you are trying to express.

Answer 3

That third sentence looks to me like the best way to start. The second sentence is trite, drop it entirely. Where to put the Minot business? Unless you have been told/taught that it has to be your first sentence I would put it elsewhere -- maybe as the last sentence of the paragraph.