Should I leave him?

Question

I have been in a relationship for nearly 6 years. Recently my partner and I married and I am 23 weeks pregnant. We have the usual ups and downs like all couples. Ours are always due to my mother-in-law. She has a habit of interfering and generally running me, my family, my culture even my deceased mother, down. Due to my current state, I decided to take a stand against this, as I didn't want to have to put up with it before and after my baby was born. This has caused huge fights with the over bearing mother-in-law who is refusing to let go, and my husband is caught in between as his mother keeps calling him at work and ranting at him. He has in the past 23 weeks, walked out on me 4 times, always returning to say sorry. The whole situation is stressing me out. I know that we are better apart if he can't control his mother, but I feel that i'm punishing him for his mothers spitefulness. My husband is a good man, but his mother brings out the worst in both of us. What should I do?

Answer 1

Talk to a counselor. I had the same problem, except, mine is overly fake nice, and talks crap behind my back. I decided to just ignore her. I haven't talked to her in about 9 months. I saw a counselor about this, both me and my husband, but the difference is my husband can't stand his mother either. So i feel for you, and I would say to ask a professional how to deal with it. Mine helped me, but I just decided to ignore her instead of creating more problems by running my mouth.

Answer 2

The first thing you need to do friend is "Pray" as the lord to remove the problems! Are you sure your husband is not at a point where he is using his mother as a excuse to get away with somethings. Like walking out... You be strong and realize that the same way he came in your life he can go out. Being married and unhappy is not God's plan for you. See being young and in a serious relationship, you are not understanding how short life truely is. Life is to short to waste time. Just because you have a child by someone and even make the mistake of getting married, does not mean your life ends there. If you are not happy, you sit him down and you tell him, he needs to decide on what he wants from you. You have settled from enough of bull from him and his mother, and you refused to continue to stress yourself for these reason. You tell him, that either he take control of the marriage like a real man and stand up for you and his child or he can find someone else that his mother can drive wild. Tell him when he is ready to accept your love for what it is then you will hold on to it, in hopes he will get his self together to give the same love to you in return. God have plans for you, so keep the faith!

Answer 3

Seriously, you have to talk to husband. You cannot make him choose between you or his mother, because both of you and his mother are equally important to him.

Don't complain about his mother, but discuss with your husband what happened, and if possible, what makes her interfering your life (yours, your family... etc). Some mother may assume that she is going to 'lose' her son to someone (means, wife) therefore, for the fear of losing her son, she will interfere everything he do.

If it is ok, do ask your husband to have a talk with his mother to get things right. Ensure that your husband has his own mindset before doing this discussion with his mother, else he might not be able to do his decision and make up the wrong decision.

I hope you understand what I mean. Being a daughter-in-law is not easy, because when you got married, you don't marry the guy, but you marry the whole family as well.

Answer 4

Dont feel like you are punishing him for his mother, if the things that she is doing or saying bother you that much, then he needs to respect that and fix that situation , or maybe theres something more you can do too by letting her know her role. If he can t cut her off some, then you have every reason to walk out. Its always hard when a person feels like they have to choose, but most likely if he chooses you, given sometime, she may be able to see her faults and be better to be around, and if not, then he made the right choice to begin with. Good luck and try to relax sweetheart, you dont need this kind of stress right now.

Answer 5

What great timing he has. Last few weeks of your pregnancy, he's gotta suckle at mommy's teat and strangle you with her apron strings. Absolute and complete jerk. You realize he is infatuated with his own mother (she's not the first; she raised him that way, the controlling insecure b*tch) and would sleep with her if he could, right? So he's never going to say no to her.

He is not, despite you trying to be diplomatic, caught in the middle. He is simply a spineless coward who will not face the confrontation of telling his precious mommy, "You need to get the HELL out of our marriage. No more daily calls, no more fighting with my pregnant wife, no more lip. Shut the F U C K up, mom."

And guess what? HE NEVER WILL. Momma's boys never, ever change. Never. Ever.

Two questions:

[1] Why on earth did you marry him? You *knew* he was this way. You knew! They never change. You know this. Yet you married him. It says a lot about *you* and your decision-making abilities.

You can learn from your mistake. And the lesson is these wimps never change. They never change. But that cow is out of the barn - maybe an annullment, but a divorce for sure.

so #2 is

[2] Why on earth are you staying? Not for the child. She'll just learn how f*cked up daddy is when she gets older, too. And won't you have a wonderful life filled with tension, conflict, and agony from a b*tch who will rule his life from beyond the grave. I am not joking about that part.

Physical distance from her (ever heard of phones, cars, planes? she will use them all to keep controlling him) or trying to mentaly ignore her will NOT work. Get both of these toxic people out of your life.

Leave. NOW. You have been warned. The movie "Only the Lonely" only happens in Hollywood. In real life, they never confront mommie dearest.

Answer 6

I believe you are correct when saying it is not your husband's fault that your mother-in-law is so overbearing and trying to control him and you, so I don't think divorcing him is not the way to go.
Your husband has to chose between you and his mother when it comes to the marriage. To resolve the problem you both have to come up with an agreement to keep his mother at bay.
I would say you must refuse to communicate with her until she treats you as an equal, and your husband will have to refuse to take her calls at work or at home and only communicate with her when he contacts her.
The bottom line is,your husband has to choose between you and mom until mom accepts you and he has to stop allowing his mother to interfere in the marriage and control his life, if he can't do that then the marriage is in serious jeopardy.
I don't think you should leave him at this point,but you should demand that he make a decision about who is more important in his life at this time you or mom.

Answer 7

you're right, you can't blame your husband for his mother's behaviour, but you can expect a bit more support from him. though, as we all do, he is probably taking any criticism about his mother very personally and defensively, simply because she is his mother - so feels criticised too.

it's really not a good time to be getting so upset and ending up having your husband leave you repeatedly (he sounds a little controlling like his mother is)- not the kind of stress a healthy pregnancy needs!

it depends on what your mother inlaw is actually doing - to what extent etc. but, given that she will be in your lives for a decent while, i guess you need to just try to make things work rather than arguing. but that doesn't mean putting up with poor treatment etc. i think you just need to be assertive (not aggressive or insulting etc) and state you don't like what she is saying, or if she's trying to run your parenting techniques when the baby arrives: tell her thankyou, but you prefer to do it this way etc... or you'll consider it.

try to calmly talk to you husband about your feelings without being critical as such about her. i.e., "i feel really hurt by ....." rather than "your mother is......" it can make a real difference in the way your husband will react; he may not be so defensive and leave, he may instead understand where you stand a bit better and be a better support in such situations.

i feel for you, especially with your pregnancy and upcoming birth.
try to stay calm and focused on your baby's and your needs.
good luck.

Answer 8

Wow, Your husband is caught in the middle to some degree.
But, He is going to become a father now and needs to make a decision and take action. You and him to to talk and find a solution that works for the two of you. Then he needs to go to his mom and say it like it is. She either honor what is asked of her or she will not be allowed to visit or call. She is to only communicate with him during the hours he sets. Stick to you guns on this and do not give an inch. Do what you say you are going to do. But, He needs to make her understand he is not going to allow her to come between the two of you. BE Strong and support each other, it will be rough at first, but once she see and knows that this is for real, she will either do as you have asked or write you off.

Answer 9

Be firm with your mother-in-law. Explain to her that you value her opinion but the final say in matters are going to be yours and your husbands. Tell her you would like for her to be a part of her grandchilds life...but if she can't be supportive of you and your husbands relationship, you will not allow her to be a part of her grandchilds life (especially if she continues running you and your family down!) She sounds like she has a strong personality so YOU have to be strong as well. Bottom line...tell her if you want her opinion you will ask her for it. You, your husband and your child are YOUR family. Focus on that and don't worry about your mother-in-law.

Answer 10

What you should do is shut up about his mother. Just stop talking about her, complaining about her, or arguing with your husband about her. Set your mind to consider her as a taboo subject. If she calls your husband, fine. But don't ask your husband about those calls, and if he starts to talk to you about them, inform him nicely that you don't feel like talking about it, and quickly change the subject. Make a point of doing nice things for your husband, complimenting him, and having conversations with him about things that he enjoys. In short, focus on improving the relationship over which you have some control, and take your focus completely off of the relationship over which you possess no control.